Written by: Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Clarity means having a clear understanding of what is important in life, knowing what will make us happy, and constantly taking decisions toward that goal. Nevertheless, there is a huge difference between what society tells us about what is important in life and what truly is for an individual and many people fall into the trap of not following their inner instincts but they let their environment influence them and live a life meeting other’s expectations, not their own. But we all know some people who couldn’t care less about others’ expectations and just live happily an interesting and meaningful life. What is their secret?
My humble experience and Yale’s research show that our society, our parents, and the whole culture around us have a completely different, and mainly wrong view of success or happiness. Think about it a little bit. In the western culture success and happiness, are both equally financial and professional success with a high hierarchic position, with a big house and a big car. The expectation from family is also quite clear, they ‘just‘ want you to be happy, which means that you should walk the road of the mainstream, have a secure job, get married, have kids, and live a stable life. And besides all that, obviously you are only successful if you look super fit and young if you are spiritually also developed and you spend your life in Zen mainly, even with teenagers at home.
Whoa, that is a lot, isn't it?
I have a couple of people around me who live a very different life though, who are consciously choosing the non-mainstream, who want different, sometimes a little bit strange things and they are clear about that. Some of them don't want to get married, or never wanted to have kids. Some of them choose to have occasional jobs to work the minimum and live the fullest. Some of them live on a tiny sailing boat and that is what they call home. Some of them never had a car and can't really care about driving. Some of them take a long sabbatical every now and then and they are not afraid of spending all their savings on traveling or just to be more present in life and skipping the whole 8 hours/5 days working experience. Some of them are happy without a relationship, or in a non-classic relationship.
While I hear my mother's voice in my head calling them all hippy, I adore these people as they were capable of defining their own success and at every crossroad, in their lives, they turned to the direction taking them closer to their own authentic happiness. So how can someone find the freedom within to live their dream life instead of the life their environment forces on them? Can anyone live like this? My answer is yes, everybody can live up to their true potential, and I mean by this by having a full HD experience about life instead of a messy low-resolution version. But to be honest, this is not an easy journey, however as a coach I see certain patterns that are important milestones to pass by if you want to find your freedom.
1. The story
One of the most important things is the story you are telling yourself. We all live in a unique world as we all have different personalities, different experiences, and history in life, we all have been raised differently and we all see the world through different filters influenced by all the above. If we all are unique, it means that no one is right and everyone is right at the same time. This is one of the most liberating thoughts, as it means that you can consciously take the decision to pick another filter that serves you and your happiness more, you can tell yourself a different story about your life. It is all up to you.
To give you an example, I was raised to have a secure and fixed-job and to appreciate it no matter what, stick to it, and not ever change it as that job means being secure and therefore happy. To be honest, I don’t agree with this, but on a deeper level, this mentality defined or at least influenced my decisions about my professional career. In this case, what I needed to do is to be conscious about telling myself the story that we always need to have a stable job and income and allow myself the possibility of going against these beliefs. This practice led me to live a great adventure by moving to another country with no safe job but more free time than I ever could have imagined and experienced life on a whole different level.
Coaching tip: what are the beliefs, the stories you are telling yourself about being successful and happy? Challenge them: are they certainly true, are they indeed the only way to live your life? What alternative options could you imagine for yourself to try out? What are your decisions, and actions in your current life that you actually do to feed these stories? What if you did the opposite and you started to feed brand new stories that make you feel alive again?
2. Take risks
You can’t gain clarity and live an authentic, successful life without taking risks. If you always follow others’ version of happiness, you will never get closer to your own truth. Sometimes you just need to take the leap of faith and see what happens. Usually, people change their lives in two cases: when the expected benefit is so huge that it motivates them to jump into the unknown, or when they are already so miserable that they basically jump with a determination to end their misery, hoping that things can only be better. Don’t be that later person, jump in the in-between.
Coaching tip: if you are afraid of taking risks, first of all, that is also very human, we are wired to survive and the key was to stay mainstream. However, your instincts might help you to stay alive but not to be happy, that was never coded in you genetically. So to be able to take the leap, as a first step, list all the actions you might take to get closer to your dream life. Now look at them one by one and check what could go wrong there and what is the worst-case scenario for each of them. And here comes the key step: check what it would take for you the damage control. To give you an example, some of my clients were really afraid of starting their own business and leaving their current job. But when they realized that the worst-case scenario is that they tried and it did not work out as they wanted, they felt relieved as they finally saw clearly that they could always go and find a job again, but they could never continue in their current job without regretting that they never tried at least. They got to this crossroad in their lives and this exercise helped them to get clarity on what decision they wanted to take.
3. Values
As we were talking about the expectations of our environment and society, it is very beneficial to get clarity on our own values. Maybe your family had prioritized security, traditions, and loyalty as their core values, but you are a different person, part of a different generation, and to be true to yourself, you might want to live your life in alignment with other core values. But what are those values exactly, what are the cornerstones of the life you want to create for yourself?
Coaching tip: use my Values list tool to identify what are your core values in life. Knowing your Values helps you understand what drives you, what you enjoy, what inspires you, and what you'd like more of. By building a life and lifestyle around our values we create a life that is satisfying and meaningful to us. Select ten values from the list that represent your core values most, then eliminate 5-7 so that you are left with the 3 to 5 main core values that define what is important for you in life, and let those guide you to create that meaningful life. Whenever you get to a crossroads in life or to a challenge, let them remind you what is important to YOU in life.
Eszter Zsiray, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Eszter Zsiray is a Certified Life Coach, author, blogger, and creator of the program VELL©, supporting her clients on three continents to successfully transform their lives.
With 17+ years of leadership experience, she is passionate about human potential and growth. Her research areas are ownership & responsibility, self-sabotaging behaviors, the positive impact of confidence and empowerment, growth mindset, and healthy habits for mental and physical wellbeing.
As a mother herself, she is committed to serving women and mums and she created a special program for new mothers to adjust to the new life challenges and a program for women entrepreneurs to shift into the proper mindset and to thrive in their professional and personal lives.
