Dr. Jane Greer is a nationally recognized marriage and family therapist with decades of experience in private practice and media. She is an expert in love and relationship intimacy, authoring her latest book, "Am I Lying to Myself? How To Overcome Denial and See The Truth", published in 2023.
The holidays are often seen as a time of joy and togetherness, but for many, they can also bring a resurgence of family tension. Old dynamics re-emerge, and the stress of hosting or attending gatherings can take away from the happiness that this time of year should bring. Whether you're worried about strained relationships or managing multiple family obligations, the key is to approach these situations with realistic expectations, clear boundaries, and the willingness to create new traditions.
If you’ve ever wondered why these dynamics persist or how to break the cycle, in my book Am I Lying to Myself? How to Overcome Denial and See the Truth offers insights into the patterns of denial that keep us stuck in old family roles. Understanding these patterns can help you navigate holiday gatherings with clarity and peace.
Set realistic expectations
Many of us approach the holidays with a desire for everything to be perfect. We imagine harmonious family dinners, sparkling conversations, and a conflict-free atmosphere. But in reality, family gatherings rarely go this smoothly. What’s important to remember is that family members often behave in predictable ways, especially if there have been recurring tensions in the past. Expect that old issues may surface, and remind yourself that this doesn’t have to ruin the holiday. By setting realistic expectations, you can avoid the emotional burnout that comes from disappointment and instead focus on enjoying the positive moments.
Respond thoughtfully, not reactively
One of the most effective ways to navigate family tensions is to be mindful of your responses. Often, we react in the moment when a family member says something hurtful or challenging. But instead of falling into old habits, take a step back and respond thoughtfully. For example, if someone brings up a divisive topic, it’s okay to steer the conversation in a different direction or simply choose not to engage. This isn’t about avoiding conflict entirely, but about choosing how to manage it in a way that maintains your peace.
Boundaries are essential
Another key to enjoying family time during the holidays is setting and honoring boundaries. It’s easy to feel obligated to answer every question or attend every event, but you’re allowed to protect your emotional space. If certain questions or topics feel too personal or intrusive, gently redirect the conversation or let others know what you’re comfortable discussing. Boundaries also extend to managing your time and energy. If you need a break during a gathering, don’t hesitate to step outside or find a quiet space to recharge.
Create new traditions
Holidays are deeply rooted in tradition, which can be both wonderful and challenging, especially in blended families. Disagreements may arise over how to celebrate, whether it’s about when to open presents or what to serve for dinner. Rather than letting these differences create tension, use them as an opportunity to forge new traditions that reflect your evolving family dynamics.
Maybe this year, instead of choosing one tradition over another, you alternate or combine elements from both sides. Compromise can help bring everyone together and create new memories.
Focus on the moments that matter
The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. It’s easy to get caught up in the stress of planning, but the true gift of the season is the time spent with loved ones. Whether it’s a shared meal or a quiet conversation, focus on the small, positive moments that bring connection. When challenges arise, remember to stay present and let go of the need for everything to go according to plan.
By approaching the holiday season with realistic expectations, mindful responses, and a willingness to create new traditions, you can transform family gatherings into a time of connection and joy. As Dr. Greer suggests in her book, when you let go of denial and face family dynamics with honesty and self-awareness, you create the foundation for lasting peace and authentic relationships—even during the holidays.
Read more from Dr. Jane Greer
Dr. Jane Greer, Marriage and Family Therapist, Author, Radio Host
As a marriage and family therapist who has spent decades working with clients in her private practice and through her media work, Dr. Jane Greer has become a nationally recognized expert and authority in love and relationship intimacy.
