Written by Lisa Brett, Career Writer
Author Lisa Brett is a career writer with a background in TV reporting & newsreading before 'going to the other side' & working in politics as a media advisor to cabinet ministers. Born in Sydney, Australia, but currently living in southern England, Finding Happiness When It Hurts was published in 2022 & is her first foray into the self-help arena.
Have you ever agonised over whether to stay or leave? Kick out of the house, or your life, your addicted partner, child, parent, friend, relative, or lodger? Anyone who’s ever been affected by another person’s addiction will be familiar with the range of crippling emotions. It’s a rollercoaster ride that usually doesn’t have a happy ending.
But regardless of what you ultimately decide to do, there’s the “here and now” bit that you have to deal with. In other words, how do I live with this person?
For the author of Finding Happiness When It Hurts, it began with unearthing the blessings of living with a chronic alcoholic and gambler.
This book is truly inspirational. The author has a wonderful gift for sharing her experiences and how she overcame adversity by focusing on the positives or blessings. Lisa gives us hope, in the most heartfelt and empathetic way, that each one of us can overcome difficult times and emerge into the wonderful light of positivity and gratitude. I have read this book from cover to cover and still enjoy dipping back in when I feel I need comfort and guidance. — Michele Jenkins | Wales
My dirty little secret
If you knew me, you’d never have guessed that I had a dirty little secret. I’m a strong, confident, independent career woman who has worked with some very high-profile people in two countries.
I’ve traveled the world. I’ve been on an expedition to West Africa. I’m self-reliant, and I’ve lived in different parts of the globe. I’m not at all the kind of person you’d think lived with an addict.
But I did. A chronic alcoholic. An angry person who gets angrier with beer in his belly, so there was domestic abuse as well. This wasn’t physical violence; it was verbal violence, emotional and psychological abuse.
As if that wasn’t difficult enough to live with, the alcoholic was also a gambler. He stole a lot of money and personal belongings from me over the years to pay for his habits, a betrayal I will never fully recover from.
I could write a book about the decade and more of trauma I suffered as a result of his behaviour.
It doesn’t matter, what a person is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, or sex, their behaviour has a huge negative impact on the people they live with. They tend to blame others for their addiction, and they don’t have any remorse for their behaviour or the consequences of it.
The impact that addicts have on their own and others' lives is one of the reasons why the highly respected Mayo Clinic has a department dedicated to addiction services.
What did the addict do?
Lying, cheating, stealing. Gaslighting, manipulation, temper tantrums. Threats, controlling behaviour, and hallucinations both when he was affected by alcohol and sometimes when he was sober.
I was hyper-vigilant all the time. When I heard his car pull into the driveway, or his footsteps, or his key turning in the door lock, my body flooded with adrenaline. My legs turned to jelly. I felt sick, as if I was about to vomit.
I never knew what was going to walk through the door, but I did know it wouldn’t be nice.
According to the Office for Health Improvement and Disparities, in 2022, there were 151,010 potential working years of life lost in England due to alcohol-related conditions, which was an increase of 18.2% from 127,708 in 2016.
The most recent figures from the Office for National Statistics relating to alcohol-specific deaths in the UK make equally sobering reading.
Why did I stay so long?
So many people have asked me if I knew he was an alcoholic and gambler when we met. Of course, I didn’t. There was no evidence of his addictions because he lied about where he was, what he was doing, and who he was with. He was secretive and very adept at adopting a false identity. He wore a mask until he got a ring on my finger, and then he took his mask off. It’s hard to maintain an illusion all the time.
People also asked me why I didn’t leave when it became clear there was a problem. I would have harshly judged someone in the same position as myself previously, but with first-hand experience of living with an alcoholic and gambler, I can tell you that it’s always more complicated than it appears.
Everyone in my position has their reasons for staying, and mine centered largely around financial stability. It was easier to stay and try to adjust to the trauma than to leave and be financially vulnerable for the first time in my life. I was also seriously misled about his, and our, money and assets. By the time I knew I was in trouble, he’d significantly depleted my resources. I was also made to feel that his addictions were my fault, and by the time I realised they weren’t, a lot of damage had already been done.
I had many other things going on, too, which made me fragile: poor health, bereavement within my family, trying to establish a business so that I could earn a living, relentless long-distance travel, an early and difficult menopause, and the COVID-19 pandemic. All of these things and more conspired to keep me stuck.
Until I could figure out my life, I turned to the support provided by Al-Anon, which helps anyone whose life is or has been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Existing vs living
I was existing only, not living a full and happy life. It was my normal, but the pandemic forced us together 24/7, and things came to a head. I had a spiritual awakening and began to see my predicament differently. I made a conscious effort to find the blessings in living with an alcoholic and gambler. I had to do something to cope with and manage my paralysing emotions, and this seemed as good a place as any to start.
It was a major turning point because my new mindset gave me the courage and strength to make a life-changing and life-enhancing decision. I decided to divorce the alcoholic and start a new life. For the first time in years, I felt empowered. By flipping the way I thought about things, I took my power back.
There would be new and different challenges to navigate. However, better emotional and mental health, as well as freedom from pain, fear, and trauma, far outweighed maintaining the status quo and any perceived benefits.
I was on my way to a new and better life. A healthier, happier, more authentic me.
This book came into my life just when I needed it. It's beautifully written and illustrated and full of warmth and understanding. I have made many, many notes while reading it and will no doubt return to them regularly. — Janey MacReads | UK
10 blessings of living with my addict
1. My favourite painting was brought to magical life
Since I was eight years old, I’ve been obsessed with Salvador Dalí. The painting I love best, and the one that got me hooked on the surrealist artist, is The Persistence of Memory. The addict bought tickets for us to visit Dalí’s house in Port Lligat, Spain now, a museum, and I got to see the view in my favourite painting in real life.
2. I have a dog called Daisy Boo
She’s my funny, faithful, ever-present companion. I wouldn’t be without her; she’s the most precious thing in my life. The addict gave me the dog as a gift, and she’s the best present I’ve ever received. I credit her with saving my life.
She filled the space the addict left. She’s brilliant company, comes with me to visit family and friends, gets me out and about exercising, and gives me purpose. She gives my life meaning. She costs me an absolute fortune, but I don’t have any other vices, so I don’t care. It’s only money. I’ll always be grateful to the addict for giving me the greatest gift of all: my dog.
3. I moved to an area I never would have otherwise
The addict wanted to live here, and while it’s not as picturesque as my previous home, it’s beautiful. I’m near the sea, surrounded by woods and fields, and I live in a lovely old house full of character and history. There’s a huge garden where I can lose myself in nature, and Daisy can play. I’m so very blessed.
4. I have friends I never would have met otherwise
Some of these people will be friends for life, I know it. We have much in common, and they’re great fun and a massive support.
5. I do yoga, which is great for my body and mind
I wanted to meet new people and make friends when I moved here. The addict found a leaflet in our local fish and chip shop. He brought it home, I made a phone call, and the next thing I knew, I was enrolled in my first yoga class. My yoga teacher is now one of my closest friends. How’s that for a blessing?
6. I’ve become part of my local dog and village communities
I’ve made wonderful friends here. We give and receive support, and they kept me sane when my world was falling apart.
7. I run my own business
The addict and I were shopping one day when we bumped into one of his former colleagues. A conversation with this person led to me quitting my job, training, and establishing a very successful business from home.
Thank you, addict. Because of you, I was in a town I wouldn’t have otherwise been shopping in. I met someone I wouldn’t have known, and now I’m doing something I love, something I probably wouldn’t have thought of myself.
8. I found spiritualism, which, along with Daisy, helped save my life
I was looking for something to help me cope with the addict’s behavior, and I found spirituality, or it found me. I don’t know which way around it was, but we found each other, and we’re very happy together, thank you.
As I became more spiritual, I realized I’d been repeating negative patterns of behavior that contributed to me forming intimate relationships with the wrong people. People with bad energy were attracted to me, and they drained the good energy out of me.
I was a people-pleaser. I was too willing to fit in, make do, put up with, sacrifice, and do without so people like the addict could get their own way and feel better about themselves.
I wrongly made other people responsible for my happiness, big mistake! I, and I alone, am responsible for my happiness. I made myself small and dimmed my light so the addict could feel more important and in control. I knew something was wrong; my gut was screaming at me, but I ignored my intuition. This was another big mistake because my gut was telling me that if I had to change my behavior to fit in with someone else, something was very wrong.
I now have healthy boundaries and, consequently, attract stable, well-adjusted people with whom I’m aligned in every way. All future relationships, no matter what form they take, will be so much more rewarding because healthy people attract other healthy people.
Broken and needy people attract other broken and needy people. I must have been needy to do myself the great disservice of changing who I was so the addict could feel special. Spirituality is in my toolkit now for dealing with all situations and circumstances that arise, both good and bad. It should be in your toolkit too.
So, I say a massive thank you to the addict, because without him, I may never have found spirituality, and I wouldn’t be without it now.
9. I know exactly what I do and don’t want
The addict has been a great teacher or rather, the lessons I’ve learned are a blessed consequence of his behaviour.
10. I thank the addict silently every day for all the blessings he’s brought into my life
I choose to see the good that came out of our union rather than the toxic consequences of his alcoholism and gambling. I concentrate on the blessings and the countless wonderful opportunities that have presented themselves as a result, along with all the things I have that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
There’s a saying that good overcomes evil. Finding the blessings in a relationship with an addict is a perfect example of that, and it’s so much better than focusing on the harm the addict causes. It’s empowering. It gives you back some of the control you give away, or feel you’ve lost, when you’re constantly making allowances for someone else’s addiction.
This book is both enlightening and thought-provoking! The stories are inspirational and give you a sense of hope! — Tammy Boyd | USA
Blessing bites
If you can find the blessings in living with, or knowing, an addict, you can find them virtually anywhere.
Finding the blessings might provide some comfort to those who find themselves living with, or adversely affected by, an addict’s behaviour.
When you start counting your blessings, and do so in the hardest of places, you’ll realise there were more than you thought, and you’ll be thankful for every one.
When you live with an addict, you have to find ways to help yourself cope with their negative behaviour.
One way to cope with another’s negative behaviour is to count all the wonderful blessings as a direct or indirect result of having them in your life.
You might have to dig deep, but give it a go. There are likely to be some hidden blessings.
Your addict has probably done something nice for you, given you something special, or their behaviour may have inadvertently led to you finding something wonderful that you no longer want to live without. What are those things? Addiction can be a great teacher to those of us who live, or have lived, with an addict.
It helps you understand exactly what you do and don’t want, and what you will and won’t tolerate.
Thank your addict silently every day for all the blessings they’ve brought into your life.
Choose to see the good that comes, or came, out of knowing your addict, rather than the toxic consequences of their addiction.
Remind yourself of the countless wonderful opportunities that may have presented themselves as a direct or indirect result of your addiction.
Finding the blessings in a relationship with an addict is so much better than focusing on the harm the addict causes.
If you’re feeling generous, you can also intellectualise the fact that your addict is probably nursing a lot of pain, self-loathing, low self-esteem, and likely a mental health problem, so they deserve your compassion.
A sensitively written book that encourages readers to find blessings in the turmoil of life's challenges. Thought-provoking and packed with words of wisdom from around the globe. A book specially designed to bring comfort. — Bel | UK
Trying to navigate and survive the consequences of someone else’s addiction is debilitating and exhausting, but you have the power to change your circumstances. Whilst you can’t change the addict, you can change how you react to their behaviour, how you think about things, and what action you take.
The first step towards easing your pain and starting to heal begins with the insights in Finding Happiness When It Hurts. Addiction is just one of the many challenging topics covered in this beautiful book, which also includes real-life stories from people around the world.
If you're ready to embark on a journey of life-changing transformation that will lead to a happier, more authentic you, buy my book through my website if you live in the UK or Europe.
If you live elsewhere in the world, you can buy my book through one of the Amazon links below.
My dearest wish is that the caterpillar in you transforms into a beautiful and liberated butterfly, so that you’re able to lead a happy and authentic life, free from the consequences of another person’s addiction.
Lisa Brett, Career Writer
Lisa Brett has had a varied writing career, but this is her first foray into the self-help arena. A friend introduced her to such books during a challenging time, but it wasn't until Lisa was in the midst of the longest and darkest period of her life that she discovered how to help herself, and she wrote Finding Happiness When It Hurts to share her insights. Lisa was born in Australia but currently lives in England with her golden Labrador Retriever, Daisy Boo, to whom her book is dedicated. Lisa's aim is that her book becomes your go-to book in times of need.
