Written by Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen, The Flamekeeper is a leader in holistic healing. 10 years bed bound with chronic illness, on life support repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body and spirit. She is the Creator of the Phoenix Program 1:1 transformational coaching to heal trauma and rekindle your self-confidence.
For most of my life I believed I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t fit in. I thought what I wanted didn’t matter and I needed to hide my shameful worthlessness, because if anyone found out they would reject me. Today I share how I healed the most important relationship in my life, my relationship with myself, and how you can too.
This belief trapped me in a dysfunctional cycle of always over giving to the point of exhaustion. I was not self assured and had no confidence. I pushed myself relentlessly, striving for perfection, hoping in return I would receive a little acknowledgement that what I had achieved was worth something, and so by association I was worth something too.
I spent most of my life trying to prove my worth, so I could feel better about myself. Although I excelled in school and tertiary education and continued to scale the heights of my career in the advertising industry, no award or achievement ever filled the gaping hole within me.
What I was looking for, that feeling of self-worth and wholeness was always out of reach and I could never feel confidence in myself and my abilities. Perhaps this sounds familiar to you too?
How can you build your self-confidence and become more self-assured?
If self-confidence can’t be obtained through achievements, where can it be found? Selfconfidence is a feeling of trust in your own abilities or judgement. Confidence comes from the Latin fidere: "to trust".
Maybe right now you don’t trust in your abilities. Perhaps you don’t think you have the skills you need to survive in this world and so self confidence seems out of reach, so let’s dive a little deeper into this together to find out where trust comes from.
What causes low self-worth?
Fidere: ‘to trust’ comes from Fidelity: meaning faithfulness to a person, cause, or belief, demonstrated by continuing loyalty and support. When you aren’t faithful to your energy, you don’t validate your own emotions and you’re not true to how you are feeling, the result is low self-worth.
How many times have you been asked to do something like work late on a big project or go to an event and deep inside a little voice says no, I don’t want to do that, yet you ignore your own desires to accommodate another? When you consistently betray your own energy, sooner or later you’ll end up feeling drained and resentful.
You’ve probably read that being an empath is a superpower, but the truth is all energy has polarity, and so there are just as many cons to being an empath as there are blessings.
Being an empath is a trauma response
When you have lived through trauma and abuse, you become hyper-vigilant to the threat of danger. Tuning yourself to others energy is a survival instinct. In the past you needed to be so aware of what this dangerous and unpredictable person was thinking and feeling, so that you could be one step ahead to stay safe.
As an empath you can tell all sorts of things about others, just by reading their energy, but often you can’t tell how you are feeling!
When you are so emeshed in another’s energy, you lose touch with your own! Disassociation occurs, and you lose sight of your emotional and even physical needs.
When you betray your own feelings you cannot have confidence
I learn this lesson the hard way. For ten years I was mostly bed bound in severe pain and exhausted. I was so weak I couldn’t do more than one simple task a day like go to the supermarket. Each day was a mountain to climb with my newborn and toddler to care for while struggling simply to survive.
Among many other things I suffered severe food sensitivities and one day a well meaning friend invited me to her place to share some cook books with me.
The problem was I needed to go shopping that day because there was no food in the house. I also knew any social interaction would be extremely taxing, and that doing just one of these things would result in me being bed-bound the next day.
I ignored my feelings and forced myself to do both things because I knew she was trying to help and I didn’t want to be ungrateful.
Arriving home that afternoon I collapsed just inside the door of my house. I lay there hoping someone would come to the door to help, but the hours ticked by and no one came.
Eventually my toddler tired of TV and found me, helping me crawl to the couch. My poor baby had a dirty nappy and I was to weak to carry her upstairs so she had to stay that way until my husband got home that night.
As anticipated, the next few days I couldn’t do anything at all. Later that week chatting with a friend managing her own health condition sparked an epiphany for me. She simply remarked she had never been in that position because she listens to her body.
I realised I didn’t listen to my body. I didn’t acknowledge my pain or honour my energy levels, nor was I truthful to my emotions. I wasn’t loyal and supportive of myself. I wasn’t faithful to my energy!
I abandoned my own energy because I didn’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings. I was willing to betray my own energy and suffer being bed bound for days, over something as trivial as some cookbooks!
Not honouring your emotions creates challenges
What I have learnt is that when you aren’t true to your own energy, you create unnecessary challenges.
When you ignore your own emotions you end up feeling lost in life and don’t honour your own needs. You become disempowered because all your power, your energy is going elsewhere to create an outcome that is in the best interests of someone else, not yourself. You become a victim of the world instead of the powerful creator you are!
If you reasonate with this story, please walk with me on this healing journey we call life! I’d like to write to you each week, so together we can heal from trauma and reclaim our power.
Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen Flamekeeper is the Flamekeeper, a holistic healing coach transforming mind, body and spirit. 10 years bed-bound with chronic illness, on life support, repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body, and spirit. She is skilled at healing sexual abuse, domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, that results in low self-worth, alcoholism, addiction, depression, anxiety and chronic illness. She is the Creator of the Phoenix program: 1:1 transformational coaching. Her mission: help you heal from trauma and rekindle your self-confidence so that you can create the joyful life you deserve.
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