Written by: Sarah Needham, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you consciously design relationships that work & re-design relationships that are not working?
Very few people do this. But why do we accept relationships that are not working? Both at work & home?
It is often said that ‘the cause of most problems in our lives are down to interpersonal relationships’ and just take a moment to think. The things that are bothering you right now aren’t they all about an interaction with someone else? Most likely they are! So I wonder why we are not more conscious about how we create them.
If something is not working in a technical design... what do you do? You re-design it until there is a working or functioning design. So why does it not occur to us to do this with relationships?
When I explain to people that you can design relationships that work for both (or all parties) often people are shocked...
Some say it sounds contrived...
Some say it sounds controlling...
Some say it sounds cold...
Most say... it would never occur to them!
Why do we accept & put up with something that is not working?
Putting up with it means that you are accepting something that is causing you discomfort or stress. Over time this means you are likely to end up resenting the other person & they may be completely unaware.
Putting up with something means you are avoiding having a conversation because it will be uncomfortable.
You are choosing to put up with discomfort inside yourself to avoid an uncomfortable conversation with someone else.
Yet you can only find a solution by speaking to the other person & trying to understand their perspective! This may turn out to be easy, it may be difficult but it is the only way to try to solve it.
You cannot solve a relationship problem with someone else in your own head where there is only one party present! It's impossible!
Unfortunately, we often imagine these conversations to be much scarier than they end up being. By internalising it, our thinking mind creates stories that extrapolate things to be much bigger than they really are because there are an infinite number of variables!
If we deal with things as they happen then we can minimise our internal stress & build trusting relationships a lot more quickly.
If we could 'normalise' talking about our relationships, in a way that empowers the people in the relationship to get more out of it, surely that would be a good thing?
I help my clients re-design their key relationships at work to be able to ask for what they need & to understand better what the other person needs.
I helped one client re-design her working relationship with her CEO; they now can support each other better & as a result, they have built a trusting relationship to agree & disagree with each other knowing that ultimately they both want to do what is right for the business.
Another client re-designed her relationship with her team & by listening to their needs she realised that she was inadvertently holding them back from achieving their full potential. She let go of the details, freed up time to work on her strategic projects & influence the board. Her team stepped up but knew she was always there when they needed her advice!
Taking time to work out how you can get more out of a relationship is a way of investing in the relationship.
To draw a line in the sand & say let's stop & figure out how we can work better together!
There are simple ways to do this that bring a lot of value to both parties.
If you go in with the intention to learn something new about the other person & you will get a lot out of it.
You can do this with ANYONE with who you have a relationship. If the relationship is important enough to you then it is worth it from time to time, or at a point when you realise something is not working to ask to re-design your relationship.
You don't need to start from scratch each time you can build on the parts that are already working & ask to re-design the parts that are not working.
It also allows you to request additional support on something & ask the other person how you can support them better. This can be especially useful if you are going through a big change in your personal life or you know a certain project needs more vocal support to reinforce the message you want to get across in an important meeting for example.
Go on! Give it a go! What have you got to lose?
What could you gain from it? For your own peace of mind, for your relationship & for your work?
You can also do this with a team or a group. This is called “Designing the Alliance” & fundamentally it answers the same question. How can you design how you work together so that everyone can thrive?
See my top tips & an example of how to start the conversation to re-design your relationship below. If this is something you need more help on then send me an email sarah@unique-u.de to request an invite to an upcoming masterclass on this topic!
Top tips to prepare:
Go into the conversation with the intention to learn something, not to prove you are right. You cannot know what someone else is thinking or experiencing;
Avoid blame or judgement as they are toxic to this type of discussion;
Use open questions to understand what is important for the other person;
Explain your own needs; how you think you can both get more out of the relationship; why it is important to you & how it can benefit the business;
It might sound obvious but don't forget to listen as much as you talk.
Here's an example of how to start the conversation:
“Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today. I have been feeling recently that we have not been communicating very well & would like to use the time today to explore opportunities how we can improve how we work together. I value our relationship because..”
Sarah Needham, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Sarah helps female leaders in tech stop apologising for being different and step boldly into their unique strengths to create positive change so they feel excited and energized each day! You see she is a coach with an extraordinary vision: “To create a world where everyone feels they can stand up and engage in discussion about what matters most”. She wants us all to take off our invisibility cloaks; to share courageously what we think and feel and then create the space to listen to other perspectives. Sarah believes that we are all unique for a reason and we should challenge ourselves to step proudly into our uniqueness, our own SUPERPOWER! As a coach, she challenges herself to inspire people & building supportive communities where people can thrive. Sarah’s work brings together her three core values: technology, sustainability and challenging others to embrace their uniqueness. She speaks boldly & shares courageously about what is important to her in creating a more sustainable future for life on earth! Sarah is an engineer with many years as a leader at one of the world's leading global engineering corporations. She is British ex.pat living in Potsdam, Germany with her husband, two adopted daughters, two cats and dog!
