Niketa Vakani is a Self-Love and Relationship coach helping individuals find a deeper love and acceptance of themselves, resulting in an improvement of their relationships and others areas of their life. She has been a guest speaker on the podcasts - The Unfltered Podcast: For some reason I had to have MS and Sunday SoulDay.
Do you find it difficult to know how to manage conflict in your life? Are there people in your daily life who really get under your skin? Are you struggling to cope with the significant stress caused by a particular relationship?
Living in constant conflict with other people can affect your day-to-day well-being. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, anxiety, and difficulties concentrating. Being consumed by conflicting relationships can also feel laborious and overwhelming. You may constantly feel on edge, in a defensive or justification mode.
Dealing with conflict effectively is key to maintaining healthy relationships, whether personal or professional.
8 strategies for managing conflict
1. Sleep on it
Popular myth may assert that you must never sleep on an argument. This is far from the truth! Contrary to belief, it's actually okay to avoid rushing into an unconsidered apology just for the sake of going to bed thinking you are on good terms with the other person. The disagreement may be more complex, warranting some time for deeper discussion and may not be one that can be resolved by bedtime. Moreover, if the issue is not entirely resolved, it can often resurface in a future conflict!
While we sleep, we rejuvenate ourselves, our hormones regulate, and we often wake up in a calmer state of mind, perhaps with a fresh perspective.
You may ask, "What if I can't sleep?" This is perfectly normal too! However, you can remind yourself that being angry and upset will not change the outcome of an argument. Accept that the situation is as it is currently, and while you may not feel great about it, there is no benefit in allowing it to rob you of your peace of mind and rest. The conversation can be picked up at a later time, perhaps when both parties have gained clarity about the situation.
2. Identify the deeper issue
Where is the conflict really coming from? Are there areas in your life that you are not content with, causing you to pick faults or take out your anger and frustration on other people? Often, when we don't feel happy within ourselves, we tend to lash out at others around us. Much of the time, these people are the ones who are closest to us and with whom we feel most comfortable, our family, colleagues, or close friends.
Could these feelings be signaling that you need to re-evaluate your own life, do some inner work, or perhaps focus on your self-care? Maybe you could engage in rituals that incorporate positive affirmations to help you feel good about yourself, such as:
I love and approve of myself.
I am doing my best in life.
I trust the process of life.
I am exactly where I am meant to be.
By regaining your mental peace, balance, and happiness, you will be much better equipped with the patience, perspective, and inner stability needed to handle the conflicts you may encounter.
3. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
A conflict may stem from the other person experiencing challenges of their own. Perhaps they are your line manager at work, who has someone superior putting pressure on them. You could be the key person in their closest proximity, making it easier for them to take their frustrations out on you. Viewing that person as a victim, rather than victimising yourself, opens the door to a more empathetic way of thinking and reacting.
People who are healed and generally happy do not feel the need to pick faults, criticise, or hurt others. Kindness and compassion can go a long way in conflicting situations. Shifting your focus toward helping the person you are in conflict with can be a powerful tool for bonding with them and building a more trusting relationship. When faced with their negativity, try asking if they are okay. Stand firm in your self-worth and confidence to help them realise that the issue may not be about you, but rather their own behaviour that they need to reflect on. Softening the mood of the person you are in conflict with, for example, by giving them a compliment, can be an effective way to initiate the elimination of any bad feelings between you and that person.
4. Address how you both resolve conflict
People have different ways of navigating conflict, depending on their own trauma, neurodiversity, and attachment style. It is imperative to recognise this, especially if you are in a long-term relationship with someone. One of you may feel the need to temporarily walk away from the situation, whereas the other may need to talk it out right there and then.
There is no single correct way of dealing with conflict in a given moment. However, you can find a happy medium. Have honest discussions with the person, so that you both understand how to handle heated situations in a way that considers the other person's approach to disagreements. For example, the person who needs to walk away could communicate this openly by saying, "I’m walking away because I need some space and time to think, but I will tell you when I’m ready to talk. Please be patient with me while I gain some clarity."
This helps relieve some of the uncertainty and anxiety the other person may be experiencing, especially if they have abandonment issues.
5. Know when to compromise
Often, when we are in conflict, we are rooted in our own story or version of events. We become stubborn and unable to view the situation from the other person’s point of view. If you are willing to accept the idea that you do not always need to win every argument, your state of mind will remain more at peace. Sometimes, resolution involves compromise.
It is worth considering how important your relationship with this person is, the impact it may have on others, and what you are willing to accommodate to reach an agreement. Remember to be open to adjusting your position. Sometimes, change or a different perspective is good for us. It takes us out of our comfort zone and helps us grow.
We are all perfectly imperfect humans doing our best at life. We all make mistakes, and we learn! It takes great courage and humility to admit responsibility for our actions. When we do so, we demonstrate integrity and compassion, qualities that make us more attractive and approachable to others.
6. Seek common ground
When in conflict, shift your focus to the areas where you both agree. Start your conversations using "we" instead of "I." This pre-empts the feeling that you are both a team trying to address the issue, the problem, not each other. This approach can create unity and harmony in your thinking. It provides a foundation for resolving the disagreement and shifts the conversation from conflict to collaboration.
Remember to focus on solutions, not problems. Once both sides have explained their feelings, work together to understand each other and find an outcome that is fair and agreeable to both parties.
If the conflict is with an intimate partner, holding hands while sitting opposite each other can also soften the conversation. Taking turns to speak and actively listening so that you both feel heard is key here.
If the conflict is with a colleague, for example, start with a positive comment about your working relationship, focus on what works well, then state your concerns in a non-defensive but assertive manner, ending on a positive note. This "sandwich" method is a valuable technique for giving feedback or addressing difficult conversations.
7. Protect your energy
When I work with my clients, I like to perform some visualisation rituals that help ground them and protect their energy. When you know you have to walk into a difficult situation and are experiencing feelings of anxiety, try these two simple exercises:
Put your feet on the ground and imagine strong roots extending from your feet down into the earth's core. Visualise warm, caring Mother Nature filling you with a red healing light, rising from your roots up to your root chakra (groin area). Then affirm the following:
I am strong.
I am grounded.
I am protected.
Imagine a white, protective light showering your whole body from your head down to your toes, creating a protective bubble around you. Affirm that no negativity can penetrate this light and no negativity can be emitted from you.
8. Know when to walk away
You may need to come to the painful realisation that it is time to walk away from certain people in your life. Remember, your most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, and this requires protecting your own energy and mental health. If this means breaking away from people who are constantly negative and critical of you, thus harming your well-being, then you may need to make this tough decision.
There is only so much one should endure and tolerate. When boundaries are regularly disrespected, it is time to re-evaluate who is worthy of being in your life. This is not a case of being self-righteous; it is about knowing and recognising that you are also a human with emotions that should be honoured, recognised, and respected.
You may not be able to completely cut ties with certain people in your life, for example, your boss or a close family member. Nevertheless, you can make a conscious decision to maintain a safe distance and interact with them only when it is essential.
If you would like to engage in one-to-one work to help resolve conflict in your life, please email me. I would love to assist you in creating more harmonious and fulfilling relationships.
Niketa Vakani, Self-Love and Relationship Coach
Niketa is a dedicated Self-Love and Relationship Coach, inspiring countless individuals with her story of resilience and personal transformation. Faced with immense challenges, including an abusive marriage and severe health issues leading to paralysis, Niketa has triumphed over adversity through unwavering faith and determination.
After being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, she fought her way back to health, relearning to walk and reclaiming her life. A Jay Shetty certified coach , Niketa now uses her experiences to empower others, helping them build self-love, strength, resilience, and confidence. Her life motto, "Face your challenges, dance with life" encapsulates her approach to overcoming obstacles and finding joy admist adversity.
