Written by: Sharna Southan, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Grief & loss plus times for celebration don’t really go hand in hand.
Although it comes to these times of the year & people tend to forget the ones who are struggling.
I get it. Everyone has their own lives & if you're not the one struggling, how can you know that someone else is possibly feeling like they are drowning in their emotions. Pregnancy loss has its own silence, shame & guilt surrounding it in general let alone in the festive seasons when it’s pushed aside even more, because everyone should be grateful & happy … RIGHT!!
IF YOU ARE NOT THE ONE STRUGGLING WITH LOSS;
A word of advice;
Don’t dismiss those family members or friends who have experienced Pregnancy Loss.
Think about them, offer your support to them OR even at bear minimum, your understanding & kindness.
“What can I do to help lighten the weight for you at this time?”
It is NOT an easy time no matter how long it’s been since their loss.
They probably still want you to remember their little one with them & include them in the celebrations.
OR
They may not want to come out for that Christmas celebration at all - allow that to happen. No judgement. Just compassion.
They need to put boundaries in place to protect their heart & honour themselves. Respect those boundaries.
IF YOU ARE AN ANGEL MUM STRUGGLING;
OR you’re fearing the upcoming holiday period without your little one, what I can say is;
Know your limits.
Be confident in your boundaries.
Be gentle on yourself.
Find ways for yourself to honour your little love.
And don’t be afraid to voice yourself & what you need.
YOU ARE NOT HERE TO PLEASE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!
But what can I do to honour my lost love?
What is one way you can honour your little love at this time? It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.
I could be as little as creating space in your tree for your angel.
It could be a little tradition you create lighting a candle for your angel OR one I really love, and one I have done myself is, taking a flower to the ocean (or a body of water) placing the flower in the ocean/water. Saying a little something special to your love & watching the flower drift with the flow of the water.
It’s not an easy time but it doesn’t have to be made harder.
Another thing you can do is really tap into yourself & acknowledge what stage of grief you are in.
Grief is a rollercoaster, one day you might be ok & the next day you might be falling apart & the world feels like it’s falling in around you. Don’t judge yourself for feeling this way.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” - Vicki Harrison
Do you know how you are grieving?
Do you know what works for you to support yourself in processing your grief? What tools do you have in being able to work through what you are going through?
I have gone into the stages of grief in a previous article.
And I want to share with you one tool you can - Journaling.
I have a free resource on my website & a guided Journaling E-course as well. Where you can get the right direction & support you need.
It is a powerful tool in being able to really see yourself & process your experience as it is coming out of your head onto paper.
What I have noticed is women start journaling with no direction & it ends up doing nothing OR potentially triggering them all over again because they don’t know what it is they are really doing.
Some simple question to start you off can be:
“What emotion am I feeling specifically?”
“What triggered this emotion to present?”
“What is the meaning I have given to this emotion?”
“How can I change the meaning of this emotion?”
Here are 10 steps you can take to ease your pain at this time of the year OR at any celebration. One or all of these steps may resonate with you:
1. ACKNOWLEDGE the holidays will be different for you and they can be emotionally difficult. Show yourself love & compassion
2. REMEMBER those you have lost. Remember & honour your little angel(s)
3. COMMUNICATE with people what you need, how you are feeling. People aren’t minding readers, unfortunately.
4. TRADITIONS. Decide which you want to keep for yourself. Because things have changed for you. Start to make your own if that’s what you feel aligns with you now. There are no rules here!
5. MAKE A LIST. Write down important dates, the information you may need to remember. Because grief can have you in a fog.
6. HELP. It’s ok to ask for help. To say that you are struggling & find the support you need.
7. PRACTICE SELF CARE. Make an effort to be mindful of yourself. Practice time out when you need it.
8. SKIPPING EVENTS. Don’t feel guilty about missing events. Saying “No” is saying “Yes” to you. You need to start standing firm in your boundaries. Energetically, Physically & Emotionally.
9. GET FRESH AIR AND SUNLIGHT. Mother Nature is incredible at making you slow down. Stop and smell the roses. Look up and soak in the sunshine, Deep breathes & smell the fresh air.
10. IT’S OK TO BE HAPPY. Know that your happiness does not diminish how much you miss or love your little ones. If feelings of guilt creep in, allow it to, although look to understand it!
Guilt is a man-made emotion, understand why you feel guilty.
Feelings of guilt can often stem back to sadness (ashamed, remorseful).
NOTE HERE:
The biggest thing I can say if you are to take away anything - is to honour your emotions. Whatever they are & do what you feel in your gut is necessary for you at that moment.
The trick is NOT avoiding your emotions, look to feel them & understand them.
Your emotions are NOT your enemy. Honour them by feeling them. And in feeling them you are honouring you. Honour your heart. What is it YOU need at this moment?
Everything I have mentioned here today is powerful in your healing journey.
I am always your biggest supporter & I hope maybe one of those you can take away and implement & it can ease your holiday pain.
Much love x
Sharna
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Sharna Southan, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Sharna is an ICF-certified Coach & Self Healing Spiral Practitioner. After her experience with Grief through the Loss of her Dad & a Miscarriage, Sharna knew this was an opportunity to grow her soul & designed ways to heal through the different types of grief. Sharna saw the need for more support in the Pregnancy Loss space. She Founded 'The Institute of Healing through Pregnancy Loss' & became a Business Mentor for women who have experienced Pregnancy or Infant loss & had an inner knowing they are destined for more. So women can uncover their purpose (soul's blueprint), step into their power, create values & soul-aligned business & live a life true to their heart & higher calling in life. Sharna has designed a method to uncovering your purpose & teaches her signature healing through a loss framework alongside a business model to monetize your purpose. Teaching a values-aligned business model & signature healing framework create more empowered women leaders who can provide a safe space for women to reconnect to their divine self & start their healing after Pregnancy or Infant loss. Her mission is to create more accessible support for women to heal specific to pregnancy or infant loss.
