Written by: Melissa McClain, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Loss and endings are part of love and connection. The way we end relationships is how we begin new ones. It is so important to consciously complete our relationships, so our hearts are wide open to create extraordinary love in our next one.
Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
If you want love and romance, you might lose them one day. Are you going to take the risk? Go on the journey? I hope so. This is living. This is being human and being willing to put ourselves out there to give and receive love fully and completely. To have amazing sex, endless orgasms and connect with our beloved. To be vulnerable enough to have the experience of being fully open with another and revel in the joys of co-creating life with them. But relationships do end. Marriages do end.
In fact, over 50% of first marriages end for various reasons. What if we didn’t think about these endings as failures but more as that relationship completed itself? This “till death do us part” is outdated. You are not a failure if your marriage ends and didn’t last 60 years like you once expected. Get clear on the golden nuggets you received from that union. Beautiful children, great career, you fill in the blank… So, it’s important that when we end relationships that we also consciously complete them so we can move on clean and open for our next one.
Below are some tips on different break up scenarios to help you shift your mindset, so it doesn’t hurt so fucking much.
Scenario No.1 | You have been left.
Don’t resist it. Allow the feelings of sadness and grief to wash through you. You must take all the time you need to process this loss. If you don’t, grief waits until you do.
What is your mind telling you about this loss? If it is saying “he was the one” or “there is no one else out there in this whole world for me”, that would be a cruel world to live in. Choose on purpose to live in a kind universe where there is an abundance of love and there is always a next.
Are you feeling like you are “not worthy” of love? This is like an old friend knocking on your door asking for healing. Your inner child, that younger version of yourself, needs special love and attention. Get her safety strapped in the kids’ seat of your car so your wiser self can drive.
I am a Midlife Reinvention Coach. I empower single women 40+ to holistically reinvent themselves, attract soulmate love and age like a f*cking goddess. Together we create your next chapter based on your deepest desires and what is true for you with confidence, clarity, and love.
If you believe no one is out there for you, that is your affirmation. If you believe there are no good men out there, then you are right.
Your inner thoughts are your outer reality.
You now have a blank canvas. What type of relationship will you create next?
To learn more on healing your heart after a breakup, read this book ‒ You Can Heal Your Heart
Scenario No.2 | Guilt – You Left a Relationship
Guilt is when you violate your own belief system or belief system you were raised in. We judge ourselves and judgement demands punishment.
What is the belief in this grief? What if your intuition told you, it was time to change your canvas? This relationship at its core no longer served you. Good for you for listening.
There are no mistakes in the universe. The key is to move forward in your life. If you are supposed to be together again, the universe will bring you back together. And maybe, that togetherness is to consciously complete that relationship once and for all so you can open your heart to new love.
This work must be done. New love requires an open heart and vulnerability to give and receive.
So, instead of guilt, transition this relationship to a new form.
Scenario 3 | Betrayal
Betrayal is grief. Grief that must be processed. You must feel to heal.
To learn more about grief, listen to this podcast Healing with David Kessler
Do you really want the details of that betrayal? Those details work against us most of the time. If you want the details, it is the nail in the coffin. There are some things you cannot unthink. It is just too painful. What’s more important is frequency. Did you marry someone that made a mistake? Or did you unknowingly marry a player?
There is no relationship that cannot be healed after a betrayal – David Kessler
Find your power. Figure this out. Talk about what the two of you want to do. Are you both in or out? Do you two want to heal this relationship? Betrayal is about the betrayer. Their wounds. Did your relationship turn sexless? There are consequences to that if at least one person in the relationship wants to connect sexually.
We have to heal ourselves from the betrayal, so we don’t bring it into our next relationship. So, what is your responsibility in this betrayal? This isn’t about blame. It’s about not listening to your intuition and ignoring the red flags. Get clear on this so you don’t make the same mistakes again in your next relationship.
A victim mentality cannot heal. She cannot find wholeness.
To heal we need to learn to forgive. There is “give” in forgive. It’s a process and inner work you give to yourself. Think of it as a disconnection from the betrayal.
Start with 30 days. Disconnecting and releasing. To learn more about forgiveness, read this article Forgiveness | The Ultimate Gift of Self Love
The good news is that you loved, you participated in life. Good for you. Now you have some tools. It does not have to define the rest of your life. You get the choice to live a bigger life or restrict yourself from this last relationship. We must continue to work on our canvas. We are being forced to know ourselves more fully and completely.
Scenario 4 | Loss of a Loved One Through Death
If you idealize love beyond reality, no one will compare. Somehow, somewhere the two of you will connect again. In the meantime, you can find a different kind of love with someone else. This is not a dishonor to them. I am sure your beloved would not want you to spend the next 20 years lonely and broken. Paint on your blank canvas. What is this new relationship that you would like to create? The key here is to find openness after death.
Finally, an important part of consciously completing all your previous relationships is to reap the tremendous gains—the skills you have developed, and the positive things that you have gained from your previous partners—and to appreciate them.
Looking back at what you’ve learned from every loving relationship that you’ve been in can help move you forward for the rest of your life and can help you to clarify your core vision and your core values.
What did you learn about love from each of these relationships?
How did you grow in your capacity to love from each of these relationships?
What were the gifts to your life of these relationships?
What have you come to discover is most important through these relationships, what has worked and hasn’t worked for fulfilling you?
It’s important to engage with completing the things that were challenging or difficult, as well as being able to take away what you’ve received, and how you expanded your capacity to love.
All of those things are going to help to bring your energy fully into the present, and into the future, where you are able to create an even deeper, greater love than you have ever known before.
You will need to learn to trust yourself again. Choose to expand and love yourself more deeply. Start showing up fully and completely for you. Don’t let your mind be cruel to you and continue to hold this possibility of a new canvas. The best is always yet to come. The deepest, most life-transforming, healing, fulfilling experiences of love are ahead of you.
This is powerful internal work. It can be hard to do this by yourself and can take a long time. Invest in a coach. This is the work that I do and is a soulful calling. Together we process your pain and create your next chapter with confidence, clarity, and love at a faster rate than you ever could alone. When you are able to heal, love yourself so deeply and get clear on your deepest desire, you are able to step into conscious dating.
Download my FREE guide here ‒ How to Find Love After 40
If you are ready to work with a Midlife Reinvention Coach and drastically improve your life, I invite you to sign up for a free consultation and learn more about 1:1 coaching. It is risk free. Please visit me here.
You have one life right now. Live it big and full. You get to decide. And guess what, you get to change your mind and begin again and again until you get it right however many times it takes.
You are beautiful. You are seen. You are enough. You are loveable. You are worth it.
Melissa McClain, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Melissa McClain, a distinguished Midlife Reinvention Coach, helps women over 40 heal from divorce and discover the unconditional love they deserve.
Her proven 4-Step Coaching Process empowers women to manifest their deepest desires, delve into self-discovery, embrace their divine feminine essence, and create a liberating life reinvention, inviting in soulmate love.
An accredited Life, Mindset, Sex, Love + Relationship Coach, Melissa weaves her expertise in Conscious Dating and Life Transitions into every transformational journey.
Ignite your path to love and self-reinvention with Melissa at melissamcclaincoaching.com.
