Written by: Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Learn how freedom is an energy that is available to you at any time independent of your partner or relationship.
As a former commitment-phobe, I can relate with many of my clients’ struggle to find their own sense of freedom in a relationship. The usual complaint is that their partner takes too much time and energy from them or that they are afraid to lose themselves in the relationship. As a result, many people with this fear decide to either avoid relationships altogether or to distance themselves as much as they can in the relationship with the purpose of regaining at least a bit of that sense of freedom. Our struggle to find freedom is not unique to people with fear of commitment, as we all hear the frequent clamor from our society that may sometimes feel trapped in rules and patterns that seem to have control over us. The joy that can be found in the simple of act of living seems to have been lost for many, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Freedom in relationships is sometimes confused by many as the ability to “finally” be able to have some time alone to breathe and be ourselves. The means to get there are manyfold: burying oneself in books, videogames, sports, projects, work, going out with friends, creating argument to have an excuse to distance oneself, and sometimes even cheating to finally find the sense of freedom that perhaps is missing in your relationship. However, after the friendly meetup, after you solve the argument or even after you find a new relationship with the person you cheated with, the same sense of inner prison can come back. The root of the problem is then not always dependent on outer circumstances, i.e., your partner or relationship, but on your own attitude, and that is something that can be changed, every moment giving you an opportunity for it.
A true sense of freedom is an art, a powerful energy and the true essence of who we are, and it can only be tapped into in the present moment, not in one hour, not tomorrow, not in one month. When we can learn to access this powerful, inner energy, our relationships, careers, health, life-projects and our overall wellbeing can improve and take off like rocket ships flying to the moon. I believe that a joyful life can be achieved not by the compulsion to avoid the things that make us feel trapped, like a relationship, but by the practice of cultivating a sense of inner freedom and using outer situations to further develop it and allow it to permeate all areas of our lives.
Freedom as timelessness: the art of staying present
Our reactions, decisions and even our day-to-day thoughts are determined by our past experiences and our views of the future. These create patterns that are usually expressed as underlying believes and emotional reactions that drive our actions, so as long as our decisions are governed by those patterns, we won’t be tapping into a true sense of freedom.
With our hyperactive minds characterized by an excessive stream of thoughts that prevent us from really seeing what’s in front of us, staying present is an art that has been lost to most as we left our childhood. Remastering it should definitely be a priority for us all. The ability to stay present is timeless because it breaks the mental constructs of past and future and allows us to draw out energy from the eternal present moment, empowering our actions in an objective, fresh and more powerful way that can help us, the consciousness within, to choose how to respond to life, and not our past conditioning or future-thinking. Mastering this art can improve our overall wellbeing and sense of freedom.
Let’s say that you feel trapped in a relationship. You perceive your partner as needy, temperamental or bossy, so no matter what you do you feel there will be a negative consequence, making you anxious and forcing you to distance yourself. All of your perceptions are based on your past experiences, emotions that were perhaps not properly processed, and resulting distorted thinking. For example, a common complaint of many of my clients is that their partner is needy, but it may be that he or she simply wants your attention or cares about you and the only way they know how to show it is by being concerned about you. However, you perceive this as weak because maybe in the past you had a strict upbringing, or because one of your parents was needy him or herself and you had to be there for them against your will, creating in you a sense of suffocation and despair that was never properly resolved. You look for an unstable sense of freedom by avoiding your partner or shutting them off as much as possible, thinking that this will give you peace and solve the problem, but a true sense of freedom that is sustainable and touches the root of the matter resides only in being able to observe within yourself, without judgment and with a sense of self-compassion, your own perceptions and emotional reactions to your partner’s attitude and consciously deciding how you will respond. This level of freedom can only be achieved by being aware not after the unwanted behavior takes place and you fell into your own emotional reaction, but in the moment when it happens. This, apart from a lot of practice, can take most of all a firm, determined and voluntary decision to really become free from the bonds of your old patterns so that you use each situation as an opportunity to get better at it.
Thus, the practice of mindfulness, or awareness in the present moment of our own thoughts and emotional reactions opens the doors to uncovering those patterns that have been controlling us our whole lives, unlocking our potential to be free. With a sense of compassion towards yourself, understanding that you did not choose your own upbringing and that you were always doing your best with what you knew, and forgiving yourself when you fall back into unwanted habits, you can then consciously break those patterns and respond in more effective ways. Likewise, with this sense of presence, you can more easily recognize that your partner and everyone around you has also simply been controlled by those patterns, and that deep inside they are perhaps not as much in control as you or they may tend to think. In time, this sense of compassion has the potential to bring a feeling of tenderness, connection and love with everyone around you, your partner included.
True freedom, therefore, comes from the realization that we are not our patterns and that we have a choice to decide how to respond at all times, as we can always use the superpower of our presence to break the chains of our past and see through those of your partner. Resulting conscious responses that break away from those old patterns can be, for example, you consciously and calmly setting boundaries, expressing what you really want, speaking up when you really think it is the right moment for it, or taking time for yourself not as a way to escape the stress of your relationship but because you simply want to enjoy yourself.
Our tendency to get lost in time is also a result of our compulsion to delve in the future through thoughts that are, by the way, also determined by our past conditioning. This can cause a lot of anxiety. Remember that worrying never solves anything; effective thinking and actual doing do take you there, and those are also done with the clarity that only the present moment can give you. So, instead of worrying about how to find peace in your relationship and spending half of your day wasting thought energy on it, find your center first, dedicate a specific amount of time to view what’s really going on as objectively as possible, plan solutions and take action. Involve your partner as needed so that you can cocreate something that works for both, and you will be setting yourself up for success!
Grounding yourself
If you have a hard time finding your center, remember that life has given us some powerful tools to achieve this type of freedom in the form of our awareness, our bodies, our breath and our senses, which provide us with natural anchors to the present moment. Thus, when you find yourself unable to escape the cage of ruminating thoughts, you can come back to your breath, feel your body as you breathe, and practice focusing on each of your senses, one by one, spending enough time on each so that you can ground yourself back. If you like meditation, then this is the right time to do it! Physical exercises, especially those that can be done outside in nature and which synchronize movement with your breath, like yoga, chi-gong or simply mindful walking or running, are also great ways to create breaks from the constant stream of thinking and help you find your center. Dedicate the time that you need to come back to the present moment, and only then practice effective thinking, meaning, thinking energy that is actually channeled to solve a task. If no task is required, then simply enjoy being alive and experience the wonders that life has put around you. Create routines for yourself that can help you to develop that powerful energy on a daily basis and you will see how you become freer, more aware and joyful.
Relearning your ability to stay present will thus allow you to naturally reclaim your sense of freedom not just in your relationship but in every aspect of your life!
I hope you have enjoyed this journey into the magic of freedom in relationships and in life itself. You can know more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships and overcome your fear of commitment or simply to create a lighter life, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Until next time!
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
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