Written by Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is the owner and founder of Aligning Intimacy Therapy where she practices as a Sex and Relationship Therapist. She specializes in sexual trauma, genito-pelvic pain, and low libido and holds a passion for appropriate and accessible sexual education.
Talking to your doctor about sex can feel intimidating, but it’s a key part of managing your health. Here’s how to make the experience easier and more productive.
Why sex is difficult to bring up?
Many individuals face significant barriers when discussing sexual health with their healthcare providers, often rooted in societal stigma and personal discomfort. Growing up in cultures or families where sex is a taboo topic can instill a sense of shame, making it challenging to address these concerns openly. Fear of judgment further complicates matters, as patients may worry about how their sexual behaviors, preferences, or challenges will be perceived. A lack of knowledge about how to frame these issues or what language to use adds another layer of difficulty. Additionally, some individuals may not recognize sexual health as a legitimate or important aspect of overall well-being, fearing their concerns will be dismissed. Compounding these challenges is the assumption that doctors either lack expertise in sexual health or that such issues fall outside the scope of physical healthcare, leaving patients uncertain about whether to bring them up at all. These barriers collectively hinder open, necessary conversations about sexual health.
What you need to know
Sexual health is an integral part of overall health and can often reflect broader medical issues. Changes in sexual function, libido, or comfort during sexual activity may be symptoms of underlying conditions such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hormonal imbalances, or neurological disorders. Additionally, medications like antidepressants, blood pressure treatments, or hormonal therapies can have side effects that impact sexual health. Discussing these changes with a doctor is crucial, as it opens the door to finding tailored solutions and addressing potential root causes.
Sexual health is also closely tied to emotional and relational well-being. Concerns such as low libido, discomfort, or dissatisfaction during intimacy often intersect with mental health issues, including stress, anxiety, depression, or unresolved trauma. These challenges can strain relationships and diminish personal fulfillment. By having open conversations with a healthcare provider, individuals can access support or referrals to specialists, such as therapists, fostering improvements not only in personal health but also in relationship satisfaction.
8 tips to make the process easier
Talking to your doctor about sex can feel intimidating, but it’s a key part of managing your health. Here’s how to make it easier and more productive:
1. Acknowledge any discomfort
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable when bringing up sensitive topics like sexual health with your doctor, but acknowledging this discomfort can be an important first step. Keep in mind that healthcare providers are trained professionals who regularly discuss intimate health matters and aim to provide nonjudgmental, supportive care. They understand that these conversations may be awkward for patients and strive to create a safe space where concerns can be addressed openly. By reminding yourself that your doctor’s primary goal is to help you achieve better health, including sexual health, you can ease some of the anxiety about raising these issues. Remember, your concerns are valid, and your doctor is there to listen, answer your questions, and guide you toward solutions in a professional and respectful manner.
2. Plan ahead
Preparing ahead of time can make conversations about sexual health with your doctor feel more manageable and productive. Before your appointment, take a moment to think about the specific questions or concerns you want to address. Whether you’re curious about contraception options, experiencing sexual pain, worried about changes in libido, or need information about STIs, having a clear idea of your priorities can help guide the discussion. Writing down your concerns can be especially helpful if you’re nervous or unsure how to start the conversation. This preparation not only ensures that you make the most of your time with your doctor but also helps ease any anxiety by giving you a roadmap for the appointment.
3. Be direct (or start small)
When it comes to discussing sexual health with your doctor, being direct while challenging can lead to clearer communication and faster solutions. Starting the conversation might feel intimidating, but simple statements like, “I have some questions about my sexual health,” or “I’ve been experiencing discomfort with intimacy” can effectively open the door. If being direct feels too difficult, you can start small by mentioning a general concern and allowing the doctor to guide the discussion. Writing down your questions beforehand and bringing them to the appointment can also be incredibly helpful, especially if nerves make it hard to articulate your concerns at the moment. A written list ensures you don’t forget anything important and gives you a sense of control over the conversation.
4. Use plain language
When talking about sexual health with your doctor, it’s important to use language that feels natural and comfortable for you. You don’t need to worry about using formal medical terms if they feel awkward or unfamiliar. Simple, straightforward words are perfectly fine and often make the conversation easier. For instance, you can say "sex" instead of "intercourse," "sexual partner" instead of "significant other," or any terms you feel best describe your situation. Doctors are accustomed to hearing a wide variety of phrases and expressions, so there’s no need to stress over finding the "right" words; they will understand what you mean and guide the conversation accordingly. Using plain language allows you to express yourself authentically, which can help reduce anxiety and create a more open and productive dialogue. Ultimately, the focus should be on sharing your concerns and getting the information or support you need, rather than worrying about how to phrase things perfectly.
5. Address specific concerns
When discussing sexual health with your doctor, it’s essential to address your specific concerns to ensure you receive tailored advice and care. Whether you’re experiencing pain during intimacy, emotional challenges that affect your sexual experiences, or fears surrounding certain sexual activities, being as clear as possible helps your doctor understand your unique situation. Don’t hesitate to bring up specific symptoms like changes in libido, unusual discharge, or discomfort, as these details can provide valuable clues about underlying issues. Additionally, you can ask for guidance on preventive measures, such as screenings for sexually transmitted infections or cervical health, based on your lifestyle and sexual activity. Sharing specific concerns also allows your doctor to offer solutions that align with your needs, such as treatment options, counseling referrals, or personalized advice. By focusing on the details that matter most to you, you can make the conversation more productive and feel empowered to take charge of your sexual health.
6. Ask for privacy
If privacy is a concern when discussing sensitive topics like sexual health, don’t hesitate to ask your doctor for a more confidential setting. Most healthcare providers are accustomed to accommodating such requests and can ensure your conversation happens in a private space where you feel secure. If you’re accompanied by family members or friends during the appointment, you can politely request a moment alone with your doctor to discuss personal concerns. Doctors are obligated to respect patient confidentiality, so you should feel comfortable asserting your need for privacy without fear of judgment or discomfort. Ensuring a private conversation can help you open up more freely about your sexual health, enabling a deeper and more productive discussion. Addressing these concerns in a secure environment can also reduce stress and allow you to focus entirely on getting the help and information you need. Taking this step is an important part of advocating for yourself and prioritizing your health.
7. Normalize follow-up questions
It’s important to remember that asking follow-up questions is completely normal and encouraged during any healthcare conversation, especially when it comes to something as personal as sexual health. If your doctor’s response isn’t clear, or if you feel uncertain about the information provided, don’t hesitate to ask for further clarification. You can say things like, “Could you explain that a bit more?” or “What does that mean for my sexual health?” to ensure you fully understand the details of your care. It’s your right to have clear, actionable information, and asking questions ensures you’re informed about the choices and recommendations being made. A good healthcare provider will appreciate your desire to understand and will be happy to explain things in a way that feels comfortable for you. Normalizing this back-and-forth is an important part of building trust and ensuring that you’re making the best decisions for your sexual health.
8. Bring up relationship dynamics
Sexual health is often closely connected to mental, emotional, and relational factors, so it’s essential to bring up any issues you’re experiencing in these areas when discussing your sexual well-being with your doctor. If stress, relationship dynamics, or intimacy barriers are affecting your sexual health, it’s important to acknowledge these concerns. These factors can have a significant impact on libido, desire, or overall satisfaction, and your doctor can help you understand the connections between your emotional state, relationships, and sexual health. Whether you’re facing challenges such as communication issues with a partner, unresolved conflicts, or stress from external pressures, your doctor can offer valuable insights and, if necessary, provide referrals to mental health professionals, couples counselors, or sex therapists who can help. Addressing relationship dynamics and emotional factors as part of your sexual health care plan can lead to more holistic and effective solutions, ultimately supporting both your physical and emotional well-being. By acknowledging the role of these aspects, you can ensure that all factors contributing to your sexual health are considered, leading to a more comprehensive and supportive approach to care.
Remember, your doctor’s goal should be to help you feel empowered and healthy, so any steps you take to open the conversation are positive ones.
Read more from Emily Lacy
Emily Lacy, Sex and Relationship Therapist
Emily Lacy is an emerging leader in the research and treatment of female sexual dysfunction, trauma therapy, and sex education. She has personally deconstructed harmful and shame-filled messages surrounding sex and intimacy to create an empowered approach to assist others who wish to do the same. She has since developed a group therapy practice where she and her team work diligently to promote a sex-positive and inclusive environment for all to embrace their journal toward sexual wellness.
