Beth Jackson is an experienced psychotherapist and coach, working with clients across the UK and beyond. In counselling, she specialises in anxiety and self-esteem support and also works with many couples as well as those working through grief and trauma.
In busy lives where thoughts can swirl and often overwhelm us, taking time to pause and reflect can be vital and revealing. Taking that one step further and beginning to "coach" yourself can often unlock and reveal new ideas and potential.
Keep yourself forward-focused
As a psychotherapist, I work with people in their past and their present reality. As a coach, although we may dip into the past, the focus is partly on the now but mainly on the future. Keeping the focus forward and future-based is an important first step. We can easily revert to the past and get caught up or distracted, whereas looking forward helps us move in that direction.
What is your question?
Asking yourself a question can open up more possibilities. If we begin with "I want to change my job" or "I want to transform my relationship," this can seem quite daunting. However, if we start with "How can I change my job?" or "What can I do to transform my marriage?" it suddenly feels like there are many more possibilities to explore. A question immediately encourages us to answer it, even in part.
Break it down
Once you have your question, it becomes much easier to break it down into ideas. If the question is "How can I be happier at work?" consider as many ideas as possible. For example: change the department I am working in, increase or decrease remote working, explore a more flexible hours agreement, pursue additional training (within or outside the organization), or identify what I like and don’t like about my job.
The more ideas you consider, even unconventional ones, the more you realize that possible solutions exist, inspiring you to keep moving forward.
Envisage your aim
Once you have written down lots of ideas, you will probably see more clearly what it is you want to aim for. For example, if your question is, "How can I spend more time with my kids?" and your ideas include having a set time for chores, agreeing on screen time limits, or setting aside a time for a shared activity, you might decide that Wednesday evening will be "family time."
What would this ideally look like? How would it feel to get to this place? What would be all the benefits?
Asking these questions and seeing your end goal clearly as you visualize it helps make it more tangible and possible.
Baby steps
Once you have your goal and can clearly visualize it, consider what your first step might be. If your question was, "How can I change my job?" and your idea is to find something closer to home to reduce your travel time, then your first step might be to rewrite your CV or begin researching job opportunities nearer to your home.
Now ask yourself, "How will I know things are moving forward?" Remember to keep things forward-focused, this helps prevent distraction and ensures you stay on track with your aim.
Within this process (and I know I said to keep forward-focused), you might start with the aim and work backward, imagining each step of the journey leading back to where you are now. This can help you visualize what the journey may look like while keeping you motivated toward your goal.
For example, if your question is, "How can I improve my relationship?" and you recognize negative spirals and patterns in your communication, you may identify specific points to change. Your first step might be to pause before criticizing and adjust how you communicate. The next step could be to avoid becoming defensive and to incorporate more positive language when speaking with your partner. You might then explore ways to spend more enjoyable time together, which could involve better organization, finding a sitter, or rescheduling activities.
Keep it forward-focused and visualize the goal.
Getting stuck
It may be that this is something you have tried to change before. If so, be fully aware of this to ensure you learn from what worked well or didn’t before.
If you get stuck or feel discouraged, go back to your ideas phase. Look clearly at where you are and consider what the next step might be. To make things change, we have to be committed and resilient. Is there a detour you need to take? What can you do to get back on track?
Going back to the example of working closer to home, if you find there are no suitable jobs or organizations nearby, don’t give up. Could you widen your search? Could you look more closely at the available workplaces and see if you can amend or adapt your skills and experience to fit? Are there remote jobs you could consider?
Be honest with yourself. What are those internal voices? What conversations are you having with yourself? If you secretly think nothing will change or that it’s too hard to make a change, then it will be too hard, and nothing will change. Often, our biggest hurdle is ourselves and the doubts we hold.
It can, therefore, be helpful to have a friend to support you and be your cheerleader. Talk to them about your plan and enlist their help for when things might seem impossible. This is where I love the Audrey Hepburn quote: "Nothing is impossible. The word itself says, I’m possible!"
This can seem quite daunting to try on your own, and often, the commitment to follow through can feel overwhelming. If you would like a no-charge, no-commitment conversation about how coaching can transform your reality, please get in touch here. To book a coaching or counseling session, or for more information, please visit my website.
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Read more from Beth Jackson
Beth Jackson, Psychotherapist/Counsellor and Coach
Beth Jackson works as a psychotherapist and coach in her private practice in the UK and online across the world. She focuses on the aims of the client, working sensitively and supportively to help change happen quickly. Her intention is for clients to recognise their own capabilities and help them empower themselves to live the life they want.
