Sandtrice D. Russell is a seasoned mental health professional with nearly 20 years of experience in the helping industry. She is the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, a virtual counseling practice, the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
Social connections are a vital part of the human experience. We all desire to love and to be loved, and many of us need those social connections just as much as we need air to breathe. We are social beings, and when we lack real connections, it can lead to things like depression, anxiety, and possibly suicidal thoughts. Social self-care is critical, and building your tribe is crucial to improving your overall mental wellness.
Be approachable
If you struggle with building friendships as an adult, there are things that you can do to improve your social skills and increase your social interactions. It all starts with being comfortable within your skin, knowing what qualities and traits you desire in a friendship, and being intentional about developing the type of friendships you prefer.
Growing up, my pastor, Rev. Felton James used to say, if you want to make a friend, you have to show yourself to be friendly and that couldn't be truer when it comes to making friendships as an adult. One of the first tips that I encourage you to follow is to be open and approachable. If you are like me and suffer from RBF, then you have to practice smiling more and be mindful of your body language in social spaces. People are less likely to engage with you if you seem like you don't want to be bothered.
Identify what you’re looking for in a friendship
It's also important to be intentional when building new friendships, just as you would be when dating someone new. You should show genuine interest in getting to know them, ask open-ended questions to allow them to share with you, and explore what type of friendship they are looking for. Not everyone is looking for the same qualities in friendships. Many people are seeking friends who fulfill a specific desire in their lives.
Some people may be seeking friends to party, travel, or go to concerts with while others may be looking for friends interested in activities like hiking, hanging out and watching television together, or having deep philosophical conversations. You need to connect with people who are seeking what you're seeking in friendships, just as you would within a romantic relationship. That is why you must be honest with yourself and explore what you're truly seeking in a friendship.
Be intentional
As adults, we have to recognize that all relationships take work. We often pour so much of our time into building romantic relationships that we usually forget that we must put the same amount of time and effort into building platonic friendships. As kids, it was likely easier to do this because we made connections with other kids who we shared similarities with within the classroom or on the playground. Unfortunately, outside of a controlled environment, it takes a bit more effort.
In a romantic relationship, we spend time with our partners, and we make an effort to go on dates to get to know the person we're interested in whether it's spending time in public or spending time privately. We are intentional about calling and texting and letting the person know that we are interested in building a connection. This same effort can be applied to building friendships in adulthood. People want to know that you are truly interested in getting to know them and the only way they can truly know is by your words and by your actions.
Nurture your relationship
You must invest time and effort into building connections and put in consistent effort. Three principles that I value in friendship are love, loyalty, and consistency, but I would venture to say that consistency is key because, without it, you cannot build a proper foundation for any type of relationship.
Building friendships as adults can be difficult because of competing priorities, we're often trying to balance work, parenting, romantic relationships, and our mental health. As a result of this, we sometimes take our friendships for granted when the truth of the matter is, that friendships require the same level of nurturing as all of those other priorities, especially in the beginning phases of friendship development.
During the beginning stages of friendship development, it's important to plan casual hangouts or outings and maintain regular communication. Consistency helps build friendships over time. As we all know with busy schedules it requires both intentionality and effort to coordinate schedules and sometimes, we have to schedule things out weeks or months in advance. I have a very active social life and many of my friends can affirm that 99% of all of my meetups have to be planned well in advance. We have to make time for what's important to us.
Be adaptable and understanding
Often things do not go exactly as we planned, and frequently last-minute things come up. This can be detrimental to newer friendships because you have not yet established the rhythm of the friendship. If for some reason you need to change plans at the last minute or need to reschedule in general, always offer an alternate date/time to meet. This shows that you're still interested in building a friendship, but that life just happened to get the best of you. Communication is key here. It's important to ensure the person knows that you're just as invested in the friendship as they are.
In addition to communicating effectively, it's also important to be empathetic and understand that everyone goes through challenges throughout life. Many people deal with mental health-related issues that sometimes cause them to isolate themselves from others and it's important as a friend to not take it personally, but to be supportive, understanding, and flexible. Friendships evolve and change over time and while it might seem like a lot to navigate, it's necessary to give space for others to navigate through their challenges and still be there once they've figured out how to move forward.
Expand your horizons
Now that we've covered steps that you need to take to cultivate and nurture new adult friendships, let's explore how to meet friends in adulthood in general. You have to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone and routine and explore new hobbies, community events, and social activities. Attending networking and social events in your community can open opportunities to connect with people with similar interests. In social settings, don't be afraid to share your contact information or social media information to stay connected with new people who you meet.
I know that it might seem a bit unorthodox for some, but we live in the age of social media, and finding our tribe online is the new wave. There are a lot of apps out there like Meet Up, Bumble BFF, and Facebook Groups where you can find people with similar interests and start building your tribe.
As adults, it can be hard to meet friends outside of work, especially for those who enjoy being in the comfort of their own homes. If you want to break free of that you have to push yourself to get out of the house and join different groups or clubs that align with your interests. It's easier to meet people and form connections when you engage in spaces where you enjoy shared activities. This is especially helpful for people who are introverts, socially awkward or have general social anxiety. It's often easier to meet people with similar interests so that you don't feel pressured to engage in small talk. It all goes back to being intentional.
Aside from social apps, you can also meet people through your existing social connections. This can include meeting people through friends, family, and colleagues with similar interests. The main thing is to remain open to the possibility of building your tribe. You might even find it helpful to reconnect with old friends through social media. To everything, there is a season, and while I'm a strong advocate of not letting people play in your face, someone you may not have had much in common with in earlier parts of your life might end up being your bestie.
Be your authentic self
Last but not least, it's important for you to be your 100% authentic self when navigating friendships in adulthood. My wife always teases me because I attract people into my life. After all, I'm unapologetically myself. I'm a proud Sagittarius and I say things that would likely offend most people, but people are often drawn to me because of my authenticity and honesty. So often in building friendships, just like in the beginning of most romantic relationships, we are performative, and we send our representative instead of showing up as our true selves. This is counterproductive to our desire to build relationships because it doesn't give the person with whom we want to connect the opportunity to get to know the real us.
To build friendships in adulthood, you must be open and approachable, and that starts with being your authentic self. During a recent session with a client, we explored their desire to build friendships and one of the things that stood out to me was that they struggled with their self-esteem. They didn't feel like they were enough and as a result of this, they weren't able to find and build long-lasting connections. As a part of their therapeutic journey, we worked on improving their self-worth so that they could show up as their true selves and attract the type of people that they wanted to be a part of their tribe.
If this sounds like something you may be struggling with, I encourage you to start by identifying your strengths and interests. Dive into really getting to know yourself and learning to love yourself unconditionally. People are most drawn to you when you appear confident in yourself. Many people struggle with knowing how to connect with others because they either do not know themselves or they second guess themselves because they are worried about what others might think of them. If someone is judging you when they first meet you then ten times out of ten, they are probably not meant to be a part of your circle in the first place.
Next steps
Below is a list of steps that you should take next to begin actively working on your social self-care and building new friendships in adulthood.
Create a list of qualities and traits that you are seeking in a friend.
Challenge yourself to meet at least two new people per month.
Seek out opportunities to engage with others with similar interests online and in person through meet-up groups or community events.
Prioritize communicating and spending time with new people.
Communicate your desire for the friendship.
If you want to dive deeper into improving your social wellness, purchase the Minding My Own Mental Health: A Comprehensive Guide to Self-Care, a journal that provides you with a wider range of assessments and tools to improve your social well-being.
Friendships are an integral part of a meaningful and fulfilling life. Trust the process and be honest with yourself if the friendship does not align with your core values or desires. One of my good friends always tells me, that anything forced is unnatural. While it's important to open yourself up to the possibility of building new friendships, it's equally important to assess when it's just not a good fit. Don’t force it! Lastly, when making new friends always remember the Girl Scout motto: "Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." (Joseph Parry)
Read more from Sandtrice D. Russell
Sandtrice D. Russell, Unique Destiny Counseling
Sandtrice D. Russell is a fierce mental health advocate whose life's mission is empowering others through education. Her childhood upbringing led her into the helping profession and she is committed to helping remove the stigma associated with pursuing mental health services. Sandtrice is a Licensed Professional Therapist in Georgia and Texas. She is also the founder of Unique Destiny Counseling, the the author of the Minding my Own Mental Health Journal, published in 2024, and the host of the Self-Aware & F**ked Up Podcast™.
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