Written by: Lai Tattis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you tired of toxic behaviors and fighting with your significant other and wondering why you can't seem to stop? Do you feel stuck on a never-ending cycle of heartbreak?
If you want to break the cycle of toxic and sabotaging behaviors in your romantic relationships and find a secure, loving, happy relationship, then keep reading and find out what attachment style you are running, how to break the patterns that keep you stuck in these destructive cycles and actionable steps you can take to find the love and happiness that you truly deserve.
As we age, we are supposed to learn from our past mistakes and experiences. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, we sometimes find ourselves repeating the same patterns despite our best efforts to avoid them. It can be disheartening to feel like we are stuck in a cycle of heartbreak and disappointment.
The good news is that it doesn't have to be this way. Understanding the underlying cause of our relationship patterns allows us to break free from self-sabotaging behaviors and create a more fulfilling and deeper connection with our partner.
We don’t find fulfilling relationships; we create them by cultivating safe and secure attachments
This article will explore common ways people inadvertently derail their relationships and provide actionable tips for overcoming these toxic patterns. Keep reading if you're ready to break free from the cycle of frustration, confusion, and hurt and create a healthier, happier and rock solid relationship.
Attachment styles are the patterns of behaviour that we develop as infants and carry on into our adult romantic relationships. These patterns are based on how we were parented and the attachment we formed with our primary caregivers.
However, before anybody starts blaming relationship problems on parents, it is essential to note that attachment styles formed during early childhood are not necessarily identical to those demonstrated in adult romantic attachments. A great deal of time has elapsed between infancy and adulthood; intervening experiences you may have had with the ex, for instance, also play a significant role. In adult attachment styles, relationships are complex and influenced by various factors, including communication skills, personal values, and life circumstances. The point is understanding your attachment style can be a key to unlocking a more fulfilling, meaningful relationship that can stand the test of time.
Attachment theory is a psychological concept that describes our innate desire for closeness, connection, intimacy and security in relationships. Our romantic relationships are arguably the most significant and challenging aspects of our lives. The desire for intimacy makes us human and helps us build a deeper connection with our partners. Sex is just one aspect of intimacy but also involves emotional, mental and spiritual connection. It requires vulnerability, which can create a sense of emotional intimacy, strengthen the trust and bond and enable a more profound understanding with our partner. Ultimately, sex and intimacy are important for our physical and emotional well-being, and it helps us feel loved, wanted and fulfilled in our relationships.
When we enter a relationship, we bring our unique personality traits, experiences, and beliefs. As a result, we may struggle to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship with our partner. However, by recognizing the signs of each attachment style, we can learn to communicate effectively, manage conflict, and foster healthier, more profound connections in our romantic relationships.
I invite you to keep reading and explore the world of attachment styles with me and dive into the characteristics and behaviours associated with each style, and perhaps learn strategies you can apply to help you create a safe, supportive, secure and intimate environment for yourself and your significant other.
4 types of attachment styles
There are four different attachment styles; recognizing your attachment style can help you better understand your relationship and take steps toward a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner. Researchers have identified four major attachment styles that show up in romantic relationships, anxious, known as preoccupied; avoidant, known as dismissive; disorganized, also known as fearful-avoidant and secure. As we delve deeper into each attachment style, I invite you to be curious, be open to what you read and tune into what you could be experiencing because self-awareness is the first step to creating a more secure relationship.
1. Anxious Alex
Let's start with Anxious attachment, where the partner often experiences excessive worry and insecurity, feeling like they are not enough for their partner; they fear their partner will reject or abandon them; they rely on others for their emotional needs and to resolve their problems. They struggle with being alone or single they may feel like they need a partner to feel complete; they sacrifice their own needs and desires and hyperfocus on their partners for the sake of the relationship; typically, they have low self-esteem and feel insecure.
They don't have a healthy differentiation and often feel overwhelmed by their partner's emotions and pain. And they often have this idealization that their partners can do no wrong until suddenly maybe they get anxiously activated, and then their partner can do no right. Do any of these traits resonate with you? If so, then you might experience an anxious attachment style.
Anxious Alex says things like:
"My partner won't get as emotionally close as I would like."
"My partner doesn't care about my problems."
"I struggle to forgive my partner when they let me down."
"I'm always worried that my partner doesn't love me."
"I'm fearful my partner will leave me."
"Whatever my partner feels, I also have to feel that thing."
"I often feel bad about myself for feeling."
"My partner is my other half, and I feel incomplete without them."
"It's always my fault, and I need to fix things."
An anxious attachment style typically involves an unconscious negative belief that they are unworthy of love and that their needs are unlikely to be met by others. This feeds insecurity, and fear of abandonment or rejection by others, which can lead to clingy, needy behaviours in relationships.
This belief typically formed in childhood due to inconsistent or negligent parenting, where the child did not receive enough emotional validation and support. This negative self-perception can also trigger anxiety, worry, and self-doubt, further harming their relationship and overall well-being.
What can Anxious Alex do?
Work on self-awareness to understand their thoughts and emotions. Observe the narrative of the stories that run through the mind and conversations in the relationship. These narratives are often buried in our subconscious and go unnoticed by our conscious mind. However, we can analyse and challenge their validity by being aware of them.
Question the assumptions that underlie the narrative and test the evidence that supports them. Consider different viewpoints and seek out new encounters that contest existing convictions. Through dialogue with their significant other, Alex can better comprehend their own and their partner's experiences.
By doing this, it can make it easier to communicate and connect with your partner. You can create a more open and authentic relationship based on mutual understanding and respect. You can break down the barriers that prevent you from experiencing true intimacy and emotional connection.
Healthy communication is a vital component of any successful relationship. One of the most important skills for strong communication is identifying and expressing your needs. Take time to reflect on what you need in your relationship: What makes you happy? What would make you feel supported? Understanding your own needs is the first step to communicating them effectively.
Use "I" statements: When communicating your needs, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," say, "I feel unheard when I'm trying to communicate with you." This helps to avoid placing blame and focuses on how you're feeling.
Be specific: Give your partner particular examples of what you need. Instead of saying, "I need more attention," say, "I'd like it if we could spend more quality time together without distractions." This helps your partner understand exactly what you're looking for.
Be open to compromise: Your partner may not always be able to meet your needs exactly as you've expressed them. Be open to compromise and finding a solution that works for both of you. Identifying and expressing your needs can help you feel seen and heard in your relationships. It may take some practice, but with patience and dedication, you can create a deeper connection with your partner built on mutual understanding and respect.
Practice active listening: Communication is a two-way street. When your partner is expressing their needs, take the time to listen to them actively. This helps build trust and lets your partner know that their needs are as important as yours. Prioritise self-care and that includes physical exercise, eating healthy, getting quality sleep, and perhaps looking to clear unresourceful habits and addictions.
Self-reflect if you are overreading your partner, the nonverbals, or the tone of voice. Do you interpret everything as a threat? Identify how it's not serving you and seek to clarify with your partner what is happening.
Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations, practice mindfulness, take a breath, take a break and pause to calm down and reset, and practice gratitude for the positives in your partner and the relationship.
Lean on positive support systems from family, friends, and professional help, particularly if you experience strong emotional responses, so that you can learn and implement strategies to calm your nervous system. Show self-compassion and honour the parts of yourself that are nurturing, and loving, that you are mindful of your partner; just ensure your boundaries don't overcare your partner.
Look to see if you are engaging in any protest behaviours; these are any actions to get your partner to respond when you feel disconnected or rejected. These behaviours include excessive texting or calling, playing games, keeping score, threatening to leave, or using manipulative tactics to get your partner's attention. While these actions may provide temporary relief, they can harm the relationship in the long run.
If you engage in protest behaviours, it's essential to recognize that they stem from a deep need for connection and security. Instead of resorting to these harmful tactics, there are healthier ways for individuals with anxious attachment patterns to address their needs and develop more secure attachment patterns. Here are some strategies to consider:
Identify your triggers
Being mindful of your triggers can help you understand why you resort to protest behaviours. These situations or actions trigger your feelings of anxiety or insecurity, such as your partner being too busy, not responding to your messages or simply not giving you enough attention. Once you recognize your triggers, you can learn to manage your emotions and take steps to prevent them from triggering protest behaviours.
Validate your feelings
Being anxious in a relationship can be difficult, but it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. Instead of denying or suppressing your emotions, allow yourself to feel them fully and healthily express them. This could mean journaling, talking to a friend or therapist, or practising mindfulness techniques.
Communicate your needs directly
When you feel anxious or disconnected, communicate your needs to your partner directly and clearly. Expressing what you want without resorting to protest behaviours or manipulative tactics is essential. Remember to use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs rather than accusing or blaming your partner.
Build your sense of security
Anxiety in relationships can stem from a lack of self-worth or fear of being alone. Building your own sense of security can help you feel more confident and less reliant on your partner for validation. Focus on your own hobbies and interests, spend time with friends and family, and learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.
Practice self-soothing techniques
When feeling anxious or disconnected, engaging in self-soothing techniques can help calm your sympathetic nervous system and comfort you. This could include practices like deep breathing, meditation, yoga or even a walk to move the energy through your body.
By implementing these strategies, an individual with anxious attachment can work towards developing healthier and more secure patterns of attachment. Remember, change doesn't happen overnight, but with consistent practice, you can develop new habits that will positively impact your relationship with yourself and with your partner.
How to connect with an Anxious Alex
Anxious Alex's mind is often consumed by worry, making it difficult for them to interpret social cues accurately. Therefore, it's essential to communicate clearly and honestly with them. Avoid saying things that could be interpreted as ambiguous or confusing. Speak in clear terms and avoid using sarcasm or humour that could be misinterpreted.
Show empathy
Anxious Alex needs to feel understood and heard. Demonstrate empathy by actively listening, acknowledging their feelings, and validating their concerns. Avoid minimizing their worries or telling them to "just relax." Be Patient It's important to remember that Anxious Alex's attachment style is not a choice, and it's not something they can change overnight. Be patient and understanding when they may seem overly needy or clingy. Instead of becoming frustrated, try to understand and empathize with their behaviour.
Set boundaries
It's important to set boundaries in any relationship, especially when dealing with someone who has an anxious attachment style. Be clear about your own needs and boundaries, but also be accommodating and flexible when possible. When setting limits, phrase them positively so they don't come across as rejecting or dismissive.
Offer reassurance
Anxious Alex can often feel insecure and uncertain about your relationship. Reassure them that you care about them and won't abandon them. Remind them that they are important to you and that you value your relationship.
Practice consistency
Consistency is vital when connecting with Anxious Alex. Be consistent with your communication, your behaviour, and your availability. When you make plans with them, stick to them whenever possible. Consistency can help build trust and a stronger bond between you. If Anxious Alex's anxiety is interfering significantly in their daily life and affecting the quality of their relationships or their work, suggest a therapist or mental health professional to support them. They may benefit from talking to someone who can help them develop better coping strategies.
2. Avoidant Asher
Let's look at the next one: Avoidant attachment or dismissive-avoidant types, typically known as commitment-phobes, who rationalize their way out of any intimate situation. They often express feeling "crowded", or "suffocated" when people try to get close to them, so they push them away. They tend to be paranoid that others want to control or box them in.
They fear being controlled, often leading to avoiding honest communication and intimacy in relationships. They tend to be in control of relationships and are almost always willing to leave the relationship. It's as though they have one foot out always to protect themselves as they have difficulty expressing their feelings. This could be why when their partner is experiencing a strong emotional response, they want to get out of there which is an unconscious process; that flight response is the opposite to the anxious pattern, which is I need to get in there. You may recognize this type as very independent and self-sufficient because they would have often been rewarded as a child for this behaviour.
However, they learned to self-soothe through external behaviours and as adults, indulge in gaming, smoking, drinking, and porn and what happens is that they are left to do a lot of internal processing alone.
As a child, having parents who are rigid and inflexible with their parenting can be challenging to navigate emotionally. These parents may have prioritized strict rules and discipline over emotional support and physical comfort, leading their children to seek ways to cope with their feelings independently.
Additionally, full-time working parents may only sometimes have the time or energy to provide the nurturing, physical touch and affection that children need to feel secure and loved.
Very authoritarian parenting encourages the child to be super independent and self-regulate at an early age, so it becomes safe for them to be alone. However, they can end up keeping all of these emotions stored in their body outside of their conscious awareness and wear a superficial mask that gets unconsciously placed over their emotional experiences. That can explain why they cannot connect to emotions and feelings.
Let's meet Avoidant Asher
Avoidant Asher represents those who lean more towards thinking than feeling and tend to distance themselves from emotional connections. One of the striking things about Avoidant Asher is that they often have an idealized assessment of their caregiver and romantic partners. They may perceive their parents or partners as perfect, infallible, and incapable of wrongdoing. This idealization can make it difficult for them to see the reality of their relationships and may lead to disappointment and emotional distance.
Avoidant Asher is also prone to dissociating themselves from what is going on in their relationships. They may disconnect from their emotions and find it difficult to express or identify their feelings. This distancing behaviour is often rooted in their fear of losing themselves if they get too close to someone. They fear losing their identity and independence and becoming emotionally enmeshed with their partner.
Avoidant Asher says things like:
"I can't handle it when my partner is emotional."
"Why can't they just be rational like me?"
"I don't really feel that emotion you're feeling, so I struggle to connect to it."
"It's hard for me to find something in myself that can help me understand what you're feeling."
"I can take care of myself better than anyone else I don't need help."
"I prefer to keep to myself when I'm around my partner that's what I had to do as a child."
"I don't talk to my partner about my feelings."
"I don't allow my partner to let me down or leave me."
"I don't allow my partner to be around me when I am stressed or upset."
"Why talk it out when I could just go away and make myself feel better on my own."
"And I wouldn't care if my partner left me, I don't need anyone."
People with an avoidant attachment style may develop an unconscious belief that they don't need others to fulfil their emotional needs. They may appear independent and self-sufficient, but deep down; they may feel lonely and fear rejection. They may also develop an unconscious belief that others are unreliable or untrustworthy. This belief can be a way to protect themselves from getting hurt or disappointed by their partner.
They believe showing emotion is a sign of weakness, so they suppress their emotions which can lead to a lack of emotional intimacy in relationships. These unconscious negative beliefs can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy in which people with avoidant attachment styles may struggle to form deep and meaningful relationships, which reinforces their beliefs that they don't need others or that others are unreliable.
What can Avoidant Asher do?
Embrace vulnerability, express their emotions to help promote emotional growth, increase intimacy, and create a sense of trust in their relationship. Learn to get out of the thoughts and connect to the sensations and feelings in the body to learn how to connect and express emotions which will also help to understand and validate what your partner is experiencing.
Check-in with how unrealistic or if they are idealizing their partner, other people's partners, or parenting and instead ground themself by prioritizing their relationship with quality time together, engaging in shared activities and pillow talk to build a deeper connection and closeness, making it a safe place.
Often they're quick to identify negative traits of others so instead self-reflect and be curious and acknowledge their own emotions, and how they feel in the body, meditation is a beautiful practice to help connect the emotional centre to your body signals.
Be patient and show compassion for themself as they learn to protect the self while feeling safe to open up and express emotions as they integrate connection and reciprocity with their partner. Know that it is ok to be vulnerable enough to ask for help and know what it feels like to need another person.
Learn to identify when they're deactivating to keep themself safe; and this might look like saying -you're committed but not committing, focusing on all the little things your partner does wrong, pushing your partner away, not being available; these types of behaviours self-sabotage intimacy.
Be open to therapy where they build a reciprocal healthy relationship with their therapist that will not only support them to create positive changes and healing in their life, but they will be able to transfer the relationship skills they learn with their partner into the world.
Connecting with Avoidant Asher
This can be challenging due to their tendency to avoid or downplay emotional connections. It is essential to approach them with empathy, patience, and understanding. Avoidant Asher needs to know that they can trust you and that you respect their need for space and independence.
It would be best to start by building a rapport with them through shared interests and activities that do not involve deep emotional intimacy. Gradually, you can explore their interests, thoughts, and opinions without pushing them too hard to reveal their emotions. Avoidant Asher must feel comfortable with you before they can open up emotionally.
It is also essential to recognize that the way that Avoidant Asher expresses their love and affection may differ from what you are used to. Be receptive to their gestures of love and appreciation, even if they do not match your expectations.
3. Disorganized Drew
Disorganized attachment is where the partner is afraid of intimacy and commitment; they may push others away and then feel lonely and rejected; they are less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them until they have an intense emotional outburst they distrust and lash out emotionally at those who try to get close to them, they struggle with boundaries, often feel overwhelmed or suffocated and can become defensive and resistant to emotional closeness.
This is usually where unresolved trauma is most common and what can often be at the core of this attachment style is inconsistent caregiving where the source of fear is also the source of safety. Where one day it's loving, the next day it's wounding.
This looks like a parent who is frightening, and aggressive, there is a strained, often unpredictable connection, and this can be because they are in their own traumatized world that spills out.
Disorganised Drew says things like:
"One minute I'm ok, and the next, I'm in a panic; my partner rejects me."
"I want to get emotionally close to your, but I fear you will hurt my feelings."
"I am still trying to figure out what I want from this relationship. I'm just kind of going with the flow."
"I'm sorry if I messed up. I didn't realize it was important to you."
"I can't promise I'll be available when you need me. My schedule is just unpredictable right now."
"I want to feel close to you, but I don't trust you to want to be close to me."
"I can't live without you, even though being with you isn't working."
An unconscious negative belief associated with a disorganized attachment style is the belief I am unworthy or unimportant. If you experience a disorganized attachment style, you may also struggle with feelings of fear and mistrust towards your partner and difficulty regulating emotions and coping with stress. These negative beliefs and patterns can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining a healthy, secure relationship.
What can Disorganised Drew do?
Develop emotional regulation skills; in other words, think before you act, practice mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing exercises, which are all helpful in developing emotional regulation skills. Use crucial effective communication, think about your needs and how best to express them to your partner. Learn how to trust yourself so that you can remove yourself from toxic situations, stand up for Yourself and protect your own boundaries.
Be mindful of over-sharing, slowly build connections, be aware if you are over-controlling and instead learn to manage by planning and responding in life; this will allow you to recognize your triggers so you can ground yourself and self-regulate.
Be open to therapy to learn how to identify and attract healthy partners and uncover your subconscious programming to explore the attachment history. Where and who was it adopted from work on healing past trauma and inner child therapy, enabling you to develop healthier patterns of behaviour for a more fulfilling relationship.
How to Connect with a Disorganised Drew
As a partner of the disorganized Drew, dealing with their unpredictable behaviour can be frustrating. However, you can connect with them and nurture a lasting relationship with the right approach.
Communicate clearly and honestly
Clear communication is critical in any relationship, especially with a disorganized Drew. They may need help to follow through on their commitments, so it's essential to be concise and clear in your communication. When making plans, break them down into small, achievable goals. Use specific dates, times and locations to help them remember what needs to be done. Additionally, honesty is vital. If there's a problem, speak up, and don't be afraid to express your feelings. This will enable your partner to understand your perspective and work towards improving the relationship.
Be patient and supportive
Patience is crucial when dealing with a disorganized Drew. They may be unable to keep up with your pace, but patience is essential rather than getting frustrated. Avoid constant reminders and criticism as this can be counterproductive and strain the relationship. Instead, show support and encouragement. Celebrate small milestones and accomplishments with them. Be there for them and offer assistance where necessary. This will foster a sense of security and trust, which is vital for any relationship.
Find common ground
Finding common interests can be a great way to connect with a disorganized Drew. Spend time together doing activities that you both enjoy. This could be anything from hiking to cooking or simply watching a movie. Alternatively, you can try new activities together to explore new interests and bonds. Discovering common passions will create shared memories that strengthen the relationship and help you connect with your partner.
Seek professional help
If you struggle to sustain a healthy relationship with a disorganized Drew, consider seeking professional assistance. A therapist, counsellor or coach can provide insight, offer communication strategies and help resolve issues in the relationship. They can also help you identify your own needs and how to communicate them effectively to your partner. This can be a particularly useful approach if there are underlying issues, such as anxiety or depression, contributing to the disorganized Drew's behaviour.
4. Secure Sam
The last one is the Secure attachment, which is the partner who is comfortable expressing their thoughts, and feelings and showing affection; they're comfortable being alone and independent, whether in or out of a romantic relationship and display a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem.
They can compromise, communicate and demonstrate their love healthily and naturally. They do not have to hide or give up part of their sense of self. They understand the importance of self-care, growth, and self-reflection, which allows them to self-regulate.
They clearly understand which relationships are worth prioritizing and invest in them accordingly. They have great empathy for their partner but don't feel overwhelmed by that empathy. They are quite good at collaborating with their partner to set meaningful goals in their relationship. They can talk to their partner about their emotional experiences.
They don't take their partner's moods personally because they don't trigger them, instead they can adapt to what is happening and better understand what their partner could be experiencing
The securely attached person generally had a pretty good experience of containment from their caregiver, meaning the caregiver was able to respond to their pain and mirror back their pain to them, but not get overwhelmed by it themselves.
So most securely attached individuals had early experiences with caregivers who can sit with them through their pain and show support, giving them a safe space to process the emotions without getting triggered by the fact that someone they loved was in pain. They will be able to feel for them but also know that pain is not mine. They can tune into their emotional self and figure out who they are, what speaks to them, and what they want to pursue to give them the best, most cohesive life experience.
Secure Sam says things like:
"I find it easy to get emotionally close to my partner."
"When I show my feelings for my partner, I know that they feel the same about me."
"I feel supported and know that my partner will be there when I need them"
"I want to have my partner with me when I am upset."
"I'm not concerned about my partner leaving me."
"I feel I am seen, heard and understood by my partner."
"I'm not triggered when my partner is upset/stressed because I can talk openly to them"
"I can be respectful, and fair with a balanced view."
"If we have conflict, it can be uncomfortable, but it's not the end of the world or our relationship."
The unconscious positive belief of the secure attachment style is the deeply ingrained conviction that one is worthy of love and support. This belief is formed during infancy and early childhood through the consistent and sensitive care of primary caregivers, which creates a sense of safety and trust in close relationships.
They feel comfortable seeking and giving emotional support and are able to maintain healthy boundaries and express their needs and emotions effectively.
On an unconscious level, if you have a secure attachment, you do not consciously think feeling worthy because it feels natural and an inherent part of who you are. This belief serves as a foundation for secure attachment.
What else can Secure Sam do?
Foster trust
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and secure Sam is excellent at building it. They are confident and comfortable with themselves, allowing them to approach their partner openly and authentically. Secure Sam is not afraid to express their thoughts, feelings, and desires, which creates a safe and honest space for their partner to reciprocate. Trust fosters intimacy and secure Sam knows this well. Their ability to establish trust from the get-go helps them create lasting and meaningful relationships.
Communicate effectively
Effective communication is critical for maintaining healthy relationships. Secure Sam excels in communication because they have strong interpersonal skills. They are good listeners and empathetic, which allows them to understand their partner's perspective. They can also communicate assertively without being aggressive. This means they can express their needs and desires without attacking their partner. Secure Sam's communication skills help them avoid misunderstandings, conflict, and resentment in their relationship.
Handle conflict constructively
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship but doesn't have to be destructive. Secure Sam is adept at handling conflicts constructively because they have a positive view of themselves and their partner. They can separate the problem from the person and focus on finding a solution. They also avoid blame and defensiveness, common in insecure attachment styles. Instead, they work collaboratively with their partner to resolve the conflict. Constructive conflict resolution helps secure Sam's relationship to grow stronger and more resilient.
Establish healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship to maintain individuality and prevent co-dependency. Secure Sam is great at setting boundaries because they are comfortable with themselves and their needs. They can communicate their needs and expectations with their partner without feeling guilty or ashamed. They also respect their partner's boundaries and encourage their partner to establish theirs. Healthy boundaries create a balanced and respectful relationship, and secure Sam understands this well.
Promote personal growth
Secure Sam's optimistic view of themselves, and others helps them promote personal growth in their partner. They are supportive and encouraging, which allows their partner to pursue their goals and interests without fear of judgment or rejection. Secure Sam provides constructive feedback and helps their partner develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Secure Sam's relationship becomes more fulfilling and enriching by fostering personal growth.
A secure attachment style is a tremendous asset in a romantic relationship. This establishes trust, communicates effectively, handles conflicts constructively, establishes healthy boundaries, and promotes personal growth. Secure Sam's ability to form stable and healthy relationships is a testament to the power of a secure attachment style. By embodying these traits, secure Sam can enjoy a fulfilling and satisfying romantic relationship that lasts a lifetime.
5. Further ways to foster secure attachment
Look for someone who is consistent
Insecure individuals struggle with consistency, whereas people with a secure attachment style are usually very consistent. They will be reliable and follow through on what they say. You can tell if someone is consistent by assessing whether or not they do what they say they will do. Do they show up on time for dates? Do they follow through on plans? Are they easy to communicate with?
Focus on how Secure Sam makes you feel
Knowing how Sam makes you feel can help you determine if you have a good connection with someone with a secure attachment style. People who are secure in their attachment style are typically very positive and supportive. They'll make you feel good about yourself and encourage you to succeed. They'll also be willing to listen to your concerns and offer support to help you feel better if you're feeling down.
Openly express your feelings
One of the keys to building a secure attachment style in your relationship is to be open and honest about your feelings. When you're with someone who has a secure attachment style, you need to be able to share your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. The relationship won't feel secure or fulfilling if you can't be open with your partner. When talking to Sam, being honest and vulnerable is important, as this will build trust and create a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness.
Actively listen to what Secure Sam says
When looking for a secure partner, it's important to actively listen to what they say. People with a secure attachment style will be open, honest, and clear about what they want in a relationship. They'll also be upfront about their feelings and desires. Suppose Sam says something that triggers you. In that case, the best approach is to ask for clarification and actively listen to their response.
By doing this, instead of reacting immediately, you create space for understanding and improving communication. Approaching a conversation with curiosity rather than judgment fosters an environment of safety and closeness. This approach can help to strengthen your relationship and create a more secure attachment style.
Take things slow
When you find someone with a secure attachment style, it can be tempting to rush into things. But, taking things slow is crucial to building a secure connection with someone. Chances are, Sam will want to take things slow too, as they will also be looking for a long-term relationship. Let things develop naturally and enjoy the process. Rushing things can create a sense of anxiety or pressure, which can negatively impact the connection.
These behaviours will increase confidence in your and your partner's capacity to love and care for each other and feel emotionally safe in the relationship, where it is easier to constructively and positively navigate complex emotional situations.
I trust you may now understand why striving for secure attachments in your relationship is crucial. It's the key to cultivating a strong, trusting, and long-lasting connection. And the effort you put into achieving this kind of bond will pay off in countless ways.
Think about it – everything feels easier when you feel secure in your relationship. Communication flows more freely, misunderstandings are resolved with compassion instead of defensiveness, and you can express your needs and desires without fear of judgment or rejection.
Secure attachments also create an environment in which intimacy thrives. When you feel safe and accepted, you're likelier to let down your guard and be vulnerable with your partner. This can lead to deeper emotional connections, trust, and a more satisfying physical relationship.
In short, striving for secure attachments is a worthy investment of your time and energy. It requires a combination of self-awareness, empathy, and commitment, but the result is a relationship built to withstand life’s complexities.
I hope I have been able to give you helpful insights to help identify growth areas and work towards building a stronger secure connection with your partner. It's never easy to examine our emotions and behaviours, but by exploring your attachment style with curiosity, you may have gained a deeper understanding of why you tend to react or behave in certain ways in relationships.
It's easy to blame our upbringing and parents or caregivers for the way we attach to others, but we must also acknowledge the fact that as adults,
"We have the responsibility and the power to choose how we respond and interact with others."
If you are struggling with past trauma or negative parental programming, seeking deeper healing work to address and resolve these issues can be important. Consider seeking a trained therapist, counsellor or coach specialising in trauma recovery or clearing parental programming and healing the inner child. These professionals can help you explore your past experiences, identify underlying patterns, release negative emotions and thought patterns and heal the deep-seated wounds that may be holding you back.
Love is a beautiful and complex emotion; relationships require effort, patience, and understanding. With patience, self-reflection, and the desire to learn from and let go of the past, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the present and future.
The beauty of genuinely loving someone stems from the willingness to explore their world, be vulnerable, and learn more about them daily. It requires openness, and a commitment to understand and connect with your partner on a deeper level to experience a fulfilling and happy partnership and a lifetime of love.
Please take a moment and reflect on your current relationship or past relationships. Are there areas where you can improve, communicate better, or be more understanding? If so, take action today and commit to work on those areas. If you genuinely, deeply love your person, it's never too late for both of you to heal, grow and experience the beauty and richness of life together.
Take action now and book your free discovery call with me. I am committed to helping you achieve your relationship goals and create a happier, healthier future. Let's start this journey together book a free discovery call click here or email me here or visit my website.
Lai Tattis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lai is a life coach and clinical hypnotherapist who helps people to heal from their past to change their future by growing from limitation to liberation using the amazing power of their own mind freeing them to live energised, confident and meaningful lives they’re excited about. Her approach is intuitive, transformational, and Spiritual. She draws on philosophies from NLP, Matrix Therapy, Modern & Traditional Hypnosis, Neuroscience & Psychotherapy. Lai speaks internationally, offers professional, personalised audio tracks, online courses, workshops and one-on-one sessions remotely all over the world in a safe and supportive space. She believes that magic happens when transformation occurs on the inside.
