Written by: Thanh Nguyen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Ever think about that one quirky family member—the odd one who doesn't quite fit in? You know, the rebel who sees through all the family drama, or the person who just feels different and out of place? That's the black sheep.
This rebel yells for change and won't play by the family's rules. They might be the lost soul, feeling ignored and invisible, struggling without a voice or control. And guess what? We've all had moments feeling like the black sheep, thinking we're different, seeing problems that others miss. It's kind of like we're all playing roles in our own lives, sticking to what we know, just like in a family. The black sheep is usually the honest and authentic one, calling it like it is and demanding change. But what about the other family roles? Aren't they important too? Below are some food for thought for the black sheep and tips to become a good black sheep during your healing journey.
1.Understanding different roles in the family
We all play some role in our family dynamic, whether it's being the peacekeeper, the lost child, or something else. Deep down, we can sense when things are off in our family, but we learn to sweep it under the rugs and just roll with it at times.
Think about it—those angry outbursts are often just the hurt that someone's carrying for the family. The lost child who's silent might be feeling helpless, holding onto the family's struggles without a clue what to do. Even the peacekeeper, holding things together, does it out of love for the family, sacrificing her happiness until she can't take it anymore.
And what about the person who wants things their way but works hard for the family? They're lonely, without a clear path, bottling up emotions, and unsure how to connect emotionally because they lack a consistent caregiver. They're hurting too, feeling invisible, and struggling to express their experiences.
In the end, we're all just trying to do our best with the roles we've got in our families, even when it's a tough and messed-up situation
2. When we over-identify as the black sheep in the family
That being the black sheep isn't just about yelling, "Hey, we have problems!". I used to be all about that black sheep life, thinking I was doing better because I was into therapy and self-improvement. But then I noticed I was getting too full of myself, using harsh words that hurt my family, and pushing for change without accepting them for who they are. That's when I decided to get out of the blacksheep role.
Now I just want to be a normal daughter and a normal sister doing the usual family stuff. I just want to focus more on the connection and having a good time with them. I am tired to trying to change myself and others. When I am critical of myself, to push myself to do more therapeutic work, I also lack patience and acceptance for my family.
When I praise myself for being the black sheep, I can easily blame others and forget what they are trying to do with good intentions too. The Blacksheep can fall into the trap of being critical, wanting to change, frustrated not seeing enough change, and can lack compassion and empathy for others.
3. Tips on being a good black sheep with love and respect
First of all, take care of yourself. Let it out in therapy—vent, cry, get angry. It's there for a reason. Good job that you are the one who sees issues and screams for change. Feel your pain deeply, and as you transform it, you'll start to understand the pain of other family members. Open your heart to receive love and healing for yourself and your family.
Your rebellion and anger are parts of a beautiful version of you but they are also sensitive, emotional, and sentimental deep down. Don't forget to say thank you to that rebel inside you. In therapy, you'll learn to integrate your rebellion with the soft, beautiful parts of your soul, creating a lovely combination of toughness and softness.
It's normal to slip back into your role every now and then—the black sheep—when you're with your family. Sometimes you'll react and get triggered, but that doesn't mean your therapy work has gone wasted. It just means you're more self-aware now. Use those triggers to guide your actions. Ask yourself if your boundaries have been breached, if you need a timeout, if you need to speak up, or if the trigger is from the old pain and trauma. Work that out with your therapist
Be kind to yourself. Accept your role in the family, but remember you have a choice of when to step back. Ground yourself, take a break, and communicate your needs. Understand that sometimes what you say may not be fully understood or might be misunderstood by your family members. It's okay to choose not to have an emotional connection when necessary at times, even if your inner child longs for it.
Be compassionate to yourself. You can decide whether to accept or forgive your family. It's okay if forgiveness isn't what you are capable of just yet because the hurt is still fresh or it is okay that you never want to forgive. It is your life and your choice. You know what is best for you.
Your family may not like your changes when you choose to step out of the black role and become a healthier version of yourself. They might react, protest, or dislike your transformation, and that's okay.
Honesty and role- modelling—when you change, your family will change in a positive way too – slowly. It won't happen overnight but just be patient 😊 change takes time
4. Here's the lesson I've learned as a blacksheep
It's totally fine to use humor to deal with the differences and conflicts in the family. I've noticed that the more I've done the work on myself, the less I feel the need to take everything so seriously.
At the end of the day, we're all human. We all experience hurt, and we're all here to learn lessons. Some people will learn quickly, while others take their time. I know you wish your family members could see things differently and change, but it can be exhausting to keep hoping and trying to make it happen. So, why not just go with the flow? Drop the resistance and accept that they can only learn so much for now.
It was tough for me at the beginning, and there are still moments that I find it tough, but I've gotten a lot better. I've learned more about setting boundaries and figuring out how much time I can spend with my family. The impact of trauma runs deep in our nervous system, and it's okay if we still react to our family now and then.
From my journey and what I've seen, forgiveness and acceptance are a process—a constant ebb and flow. There's no absolute right or wrong. Understanding my family system, my role, and the roles of others, along with exploring my family tree, has helped me accept and have compassion for all of them. I've learned to accept people as they are.
Sure, my critical voice is still loud, and I still have demands, but I'm more self-aware now. I can tone it down quickly and just surrender. And now, I can even use humor to laugh at myself and my family, with all the roles we play. The journey to improve the intergenerational trauma in family will take time and it all starts with you.
Thanh Nguyen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Thanh Nguyen, trauma Therapist and social worker. Thanh has a big passion for emotional trauma recovery in therapy. She has experience working in addiction, mental health and trauma recovery. She is the founder of Embracing Us Counselling. Her missions: create a group of people who are healed from trauma to have a fulfilling life with their loved ones.
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