Charles West is the founder and CEO of Divine Spark Coaching. For over 20 years, Charles has studied and implemented transformational spiritual principles that have changed, not only his life, but the lives of countless people around the world. He helps his clients to build their dreams, accelerate results and create richer, more meaningful lives.
Do you frequently put yourself down, feel critical of your body, or fear that other people will “find you out”? Your reactions may be so automatic that you don’t even question them. You may quickly move into blaming yourself for something without a second thought. That includes your weaknesses and your quirky, difficult parts, the ones that you probably try to deny or suppress. But self-acceptance is, more often than not, a matter of what you tell yourself about yourself.
We all have dominant thought patterns, some positive, many negative. The path to greater self-love and acceptance starts with becoming aware of what you are thinking and then pulling out the weeds that strangle you. When you learn how to slow your thoughts down and become more aware of what’s occurring in your mind, you can begin to ask yourself better questions like these:
Is this a healthy way to relate to myself?
Will what I’m thinking lead to happiness or keep me in a cycle of distress?
Is this what I truly want?
There are many reasons why it may be difficult to accept yourself. When self-love feels distant from you, learning to develop greater attunement to your thought patterns is absolutely essential. So, my friends, allow yourself to become deeply aware of what you are thinking about yourself, and remember that just because you think it does not mean that it’s true. I’m going to say that again: just because you think it does not mean that it’s true.
6 reasons self-love is hard to sustain and remedies to restore it
1. You have experienced trauma
So many of us live our lives stuck inside a kind of “shock bubble” because we have all experienced some level of trauma. The experience of developmental trauma can create deep layers of shame and the mistaken belief that you are at fault and responsible for what happened in your life. Often, the most difficult part of overcoming trauma is recognizing that our pain, hurt, and fear must be given a voice; otherwise, they will forever have profound influences on how we go through life. This means that you must identify the traumatic events, acknowledge them, and be with them without denying, avoiding, or trying to change them. Once you can do this, you can separate the past from the present and realize that past events no longer have power over you.
The remedy
If unresolved trauma is still having a profound effect on your life, you will need to do the inner work to identify the best approach for you. Keep in mind that, in severe cases, you may need to work with a trauma therapist who can help you heal and transform your incorrect beliefs. Energy work such as hypnotherapy, breath work, mindful meditations, and Reiki are ways to release trauma from your mind and body. Establishing a strong relationship with your body, bonding with nature, and identifying the lessons and blessings learned from the traumatic experiences are helpful ways to move and live beyond trauma.
Here’s a link to a self-hypnosis/meditation recording I made that’s on my YouTube channel.
2. Lacking positive role models, you believe everything is your fault
You may blame yourself for many things that have happened in your life, especially events that occurred in your youth. You may believe that you’re the cause of your parents' divorce. Or, if one of your parents or primary caregivers didn’t accept and nurture you, you may have been programmed to believe that something is defective within you at the core of your being. With patience and persistence, you will learn to give the responsibility back to the perpetrator, because it was never yours to own in the first place. As you continue to develop your own regime of self-care, you will begin to notice subtle changes within you and in your life.
The remedy
First, I have a question for you. Would you love to have more things to be grateful for in your life? Ponder this question. Now, tell me the strength of your desire on a scale from 1 to 10. I have very good news for you. You are 100% worthy of having more joy in your life, and you can absolutely attract greater abundance as well. Start by writing a Gratitude List every day of at least 10 things, people, or experiences you’re grateful for. Be sure to bring that same level of enthusiasm every time you sit down to write your list. Once this has become a regular part of your routine, here’s another awesome tool for you: take a good screenshot of your list and send it to someone, because gratitude that is shared multiplies. Start sharing it with, perhaps, just one or two people you’re close with who would be supportive of you. After a while, you might be sharing your list with a dozen people or more. You will learn to trust the process of letting go of the shame and feel more grounded within yourself so that you can claim your freedom and redeem your self-acceptance.
As a bonus, here’s a truly beautiful video that will help ground a greater sense of gratitude within you. Click here.
3. You keep on trying to live up to societal norms
There is so much pressure to live up to societal norms in families, at school, and in the media you see all around you. You may not fully accept who you are because you believe that you should be someone else. More than half of the adults on the planet spend the majority of their lives trying to be someone they’re not, in order to live up to the “rules of their society.” Trying to live up to those expectations can lead to an addiction to external validation. Therefore, you can’t love yourself until and unless others love you.
The remedy
Break the rules and make new rules for yourself. Dare to be different and live beyond family patterns and traditions. Continue to allow yourself to appreciate yourself more deeply and authentically, perhaps for the first time in your life. Honor your own values and invite others to join you.
To increase your level of intimacy with yourself, here’s another great tool: at the top of a page in your journal, write My Superpowers! Take a deep breath and take your time to write a long list of your unique superpowers. It can be anything. Maybe you have a special way of making your bed that brings you peace. Perhaps you have a gift or talent that is extra special. Or maybe your way with animals is utterly awesome. Write them down, and then slowly look over and add to the list every day.
This exercise has a wonderful way of turning up the volume of intimacy within your own heart because, after all, intimacy really means “into-me-see.”
Friends, please watch and listen to this incredible video to inspire you even more.
4. You think you aren’t worthy
You began to feel inadequate as a child and carried that belief into your adult life. Throughout your life, you found evidence that supported the belief in your unworthiness. If you’re like most people, the most harmful influence was your own Inner Critic constantly whispering in your mind false beliefs that simply validated your unworthiness.
The remedy
Instead of focusing on your failings, start to believe in and accentuate your positives. You can do this by celebrating your victories and reminding yourself of all the good you have achieved for yourself and done for others. Everyone has fundamental goodness beneath the surface, including you.
A powerful way of increasing your level of mindfulness and attracting more of the good stuff into your life is to have a Complaining Cleanse. That’s right, a Complaining Cleanse. To do this, I invite you to pay closer attention to the language you use as you talk about things.
For example, it’s very common for someone to say something like this: “I have to fill up my car, and then I have to shop for groceries and throw dinner together before my husband and kids get home.” Unknowingly, this type of language puts internal pressure on our Sympathetic Nervous System, and over the years, it creates a mindset that automatically generates more stress.
By shifting “I have to” and “I’ve got to” to “I get to” or “I’m going to,” you learn to express things in a way that lessens the tension and increases the joy.
Please feel free to use this recording to increase your inner peace.
5. You feel that you have unacceptable qualities, urgings, or dark secrets
You’re not alone. Everyone has things they would rather not have or know about themselves. Often, this is our shadow, the parts of ourselves that we deny. Fight, flight, or freeze are common reactions to trauma that keep us stuck in the originating event. So much healing can come when you learn how to embrace your shadow instead of avoiding or denying it. Know that no one is perfect and that self-love grows when we learn to have more inner space and humor about dealing with our difficult aspects when they show up.
The remedy
I have another question for you: are you up for a challenge? Since gratitude fortifies contentment, lowers stress, and changes the way you view your life, more of it would only be a good thing, right?
Here’s what you’re going to do: at the top of a page in your Gratitude Journal, write My Gratitude Challenge, and then write 30 things, people, or experiences that you are grateful for. Breathe, notice how you feel, and guide your thoughts to expand your awareness to more things. Maybe you appreciate your new facial moisturizer, the wonderful sleep you had last night, or the great gym or yoga time you enjoyed. By Gratitude Challenging yourself a few times a week, you will feel more alive and start to feel unstoppable.
Add this video to your self-care regime, friends.
6. Your family, village, or community are not supportive
It’s difficult to feel good about yourself if your parents, siblings, friends, or employer are constantly putting you down. I know this one well. Also, learn to have clear boundaries to increase self-respect and calm your mind so that you feel more relaxed and in charge of yourself. Sometimes, we unconsciously engage in relationships that reinforce our false beliefs about who we are and who we struggle to become in life. Don’t blame yourself for this, it is not intentional. However, once you realize that the people around you do not support you or make you feel good, you can begin to make healthier choices for yourself.
The remedy
Your parents will always be your parents, and your siblings will always be your siblings. This is something you can’t change, but what you can do is craft and create how you interact with them. Know how to suit up and guard yourself whenever you are around family members who do not encourage the best within you. Limit your contact as much as possible and be willing to stand in your truth if they ever ask you why.
You have the power and the right to change jobs, partners, and friends who don’t accept and lift your mind, heart, and spirit. Surround yourself with people who love, support, and appreciate you.
But if you feel that you might be caught in a spiral of anxiety, please use this quick anxiety self-check exercise:
How deeply are you breathing? If your breath is shallow, consciously take slower and longer inhalations through your nose and slowly release your breath from your mouth.
Are you clenching your jaw? If so, take a few moments to relax and stretch your jaw, and make sure your tongue is relaxed as well.
Tune your senses into your environment to get more grounded. How many colors can you see, and how many sounds do you hear? What are you presently touching with your hands, and can you smell something pleasing where you are right now?
Use this self-hypnosis recording to become even more finely tuned within yourself.
Friends, as you continue to use all of these tools in your daily experiences, I invite you to notice something and ask yourself this question: Who am I now?
As my old paradigms are shifting and anxiety is lifting, who am I now?
As I continue stepping into a new version of myself, who am I now?
As I am feeling stronger and more resilient within my mind, who am I now?
Greater self-love and acceptance are yours to acknowledge and own for the rest of your life. Now that you have ignited your Divine Spark, go out there and shine your bright light. Visit here.
Read more from Charles West
Charles West, HypnoCoach, Author & Broadway Actor
As an award-winning HypnoCoach, Charles helps people in the areas of releasing anxiety, depression and stress, transcending trauma and PTSD, alcoholism and addiction, building fulfilling relationships, cultivating a strong sense of self-love and confidence by igniting their Divine Spark. He uses these same tools to support corporate entities in developing healthier environments for greater abundance and thriving. Charles became a bestselling author on Amazon when Short Sweet & Sacred, volume 2, in which his 9/11 story is featured, hit bestseller status.
