Dr. Leslie Davis is a survivor of toxic relationships and a healing agent of broken hearts. As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Expert near St. Louis, MO, Dr. D is on a mission to empower others to improve their relationships.
If you ever watched the television show Scandal or Being Mary Jane you should be familiar with the traumatic relationship history of the characters Olivia Pope and Mary Jane. Both characters are high achieving professional Black American women who are bosses and highly respected in their careers and by family. But when it comes to their romantic relationships, they’re a hot mess. They often find themselves in one toxic relationship after another, always searching for love but never quite realizing that authentic love exists.
Are you a high achieving woman who is adored in your personal and professional life? Have you had a history of toxic relationships? Do you find yourself recognizing toxic traits in your partner but you choose to stay in the relationship hoping things will change?
Sounds like you are dealing with the Olivia Pope Syndrome and it’s getting in the way of you experiencing genuine and authentic love. If you identify with these characters, I want you to ask yourself why.
Why do you keep getting stuck in these toxic relationships?
Is it you?
Is it your partner’s fault?
Is it because of your family history of toxicity?
Honestly, the reason you’re stuck in this pattern could be the result of a combination of factors, but let’s take a look at it from the perspective of Attachment Styles.
How is your anxious attachment style getting in the way of love?
If you are in a romantic relationship and you find yourself feeling anxious, always questioning if you are behaving appropriately to maintain a connection to your partner, it’s likely that you struggle with an anxious attachment style. Your natural gifts of being ambitious, assertive, confident, hard working, goal-oriented, and possessing self-awareness seem to work against you in a romantic relationship. You might wonder why your need for continuous communication becomes too much for your partner, and you begin to question if you are too much.
Other clues that can help you identify your anxious attachment
You feel anxious when your partner is not around and often worry that your partner is cheating on you.
You feel anxious if you don’t receive a quick response from your partner when you call or text them.
You are triggered by any sense of tension in the relationship and assume the relationship is ending.
You blame yourself for the tension in the relationship.
If you struggle with anxious attachment and the Olivia Pope Syndrome..
You can unintentionally sabotage your romantic relationship by always trying to fix it.
You might find that your anxiety begins to create problems that don’t exist because you are fearful of losing the connection. In your attempts to manage the relationship, you ignore the red flags in your partner and yourself, which keeps you stuck in your cycle of toxicity.
How is your avoidant attachment style getting in the way of love?
If you've reached the place where you've experienced repeated patterns of toxic relationships, it's possible that you developed an avoidant attachment style or disorganized attachment style. Disorganized attachment can occur if you've experienced any type of abuse or trauma in the relationships you've encountered, resulting in uninvited fear.
Having an avoidant attachment style does not mean that you don’t experience anxiety in the relationship, which can be confusing. You can experience true symptoms of anxiety such as having disorganized thoughts or a racing heart when you think of your partner. But your way of coping with the anxiety is to enter flight mode and exit the relationship. You might recognize that you intentionally sabotage your relationship when you feel that your partner is getting a little too close and threatening your independence.
Other clues that can help you identify your avoidant attachment style
You start to notice that you don’t enjoy spending time with your partner and hope they cancel plans with you.
You tell yourself that you don’t want to get attached to anyone.
Your partner shows you love but you interpret their actions as annoying or threatening.
You say or do things intentionally to trigger your partner so they leave, with an underlying hope that you don’t have to end the relationship yourself.
You blame your partner for any tension in the relationship.
The combination of an avoidant attachment style and the Olivia Pope Syndrome can heighten a false sense of power and control in the relationship.
Does your partner view you as being dominant and cold-hearted? Your avoidant attachment style can intensify your need for independence, although the truth is you want and need love. Your anxiety in the relationship will trigger your heart and mind to identify flaws in your partner and the relationship as you seek a way of escape in order to avoid pain.
To all of the Olivia Popes in the world, I want you to be encouraged that love does exist and love is available to you. Although your professional and personal life seems to come effortlessly, love requires a different level of commitment. Please know that you don’t have to settle for the toxicity. When you are ready to navigate a new journey to love, as intimidating or hopeless it may seem, let’s connect. I want to walk alongside you. Visit here.
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Dr. Leslie Davis, Clinical Counselor and Relationship Expert
Dr. Leslie Davis is a survivor of toxic relationships and a healing agent of broken hearts. As a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Expert near St. Louis, MO, Dr. D is on a mission to empower others to improve their relationships. Her experience as a Black single mom in America inspires her podcast, SHE Matters with Dr. Leslie Davis, available on Apple Podcast and Spotify. Her hope is to empower single moms around the world to develop healthy attachments, with a goal of reducing depression and suicidal thoughts. When she's not in counselor mode, Dr. D enjoys training the gentle art of jiu jitsu at 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu.
