Written by: Lai Tattis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever asked yourself why people who deeply attract you also frustrate you come into your life? If you've ever wondered what you're doing with a specific person, it could indicate an unconscious choice for a romantic partner.
How we perceive Love in our unconscious began to develop from the moment of our birth through our childhood years and became a set of well-formed beliefs by the time we turned 18. Whatever mental picture we created became our internal map of the world deeply programmed in our unconscious mind, attracting the type of person we select as a primary love partner in adult life and how we relate to them.
This mental image is a combination of the positive and negative traits of how well our primary caregivers met our early needs, typically our parents; of course, it can be anyone taking on that role as we grow through our childhood years. These early yet significant relationships we experience profoundly affect what we seek and attract in romantic relationships and how we share Love. In other words, we attract what we are.
Think about how your parents demonstrated Love or did not; perhaps you had an absent parent or separated parents. The influence of our family of origin impacts how we self-regulate in response to pleasant and unpleasant events, relate to our partners, and communicate our emotions and needs.
This idealized blind Love, in which we don't see the other for what they are and unrealistically hope they'll meet our every expectation, is influenced by our unconscious mind. The unseen forces attract what is familiar more than what is right because they are comforting. If you think about it, at the beginning of our romantic relationships, we are a magnet attracting someone who is a match for each other's wounds, like a puzzle piece fitting together. As the relationship progresses, we are given the opportunity through our interactions to heal the wounds we've had since childhood. Until we heal these wounds with self-love, self-compassion, and understanding, we will continue to repeat the same patterns reflecting outwardly what goes on inside ourselves.
A journey of self-discovery
Unfortunately, what we want from our partners will be the hardest thing for them to give us, but if we are willing to get out of our head which wants to regress, and into our hearts, which wants to progress, we can grow our self-awareness to become conscious enough. We can use the relationship to develop and heal, deepening the connection together. It's interesting to note that everyone we meet, not just romantic partners, is a mirror showing us how to love ourselves.
If you are single or don't have a partner willing to do this inner work, you can still heal those parts of yourself on your own or with the support of a therapist, coach, or mentor.
Transformation happens once you heal those wounds that reside within you, at the root. Only then will you no longer attract partners that will provide you the opportunity to heal them, or if you have a partner, those same behaviors that used to trigger you won't anymore because you've healed and moved on from them.
A reflective question to ask yourself when triggered is how can I tend to what triggers me with Love?
During the relationship, what gets triggered becomes a vehicle for your healing, growth, and evolution. These triggers become your path to freedom, expanding into more significant and deeper Love.
How can you let your heart do the talking in the face of fear?
In my painful experiences, vulnerability is the gateway to healing and connection, of opening up to this greater Love. When I stopped to pause and reflect on the relationship from my heart, only then could I see unrealized potential and have the most intimate experience of Life… there is No Thing to fear as what was blind becomes a new perspective, to see that you are not in the world rather the world is inside of you. You can choose at any moment what you experience.
When we understand this, we begin to feel and sense wholeness, that you are the source of Love, bringing what is hidden in the unconscious to the conscious to heal, to drop out of the headspace and into the heart space where Love becomes the foundation of WHAT we are.
The experience of Loving doesn't make us blind; it's only when we let ourselves get blinded by Love.
We need to challenge ourselves in new ways, be willing to attempt new things and be tenacious in the face of adversity. Forward movement will be achieved with realistic expectations, patience, persistence, and self-compassion; it may, however, involve some detours and be slower than you'd prefer. It is ineffective to try to move past what has transpired in the past by denying and or ignoring what we feel. Such emotions frequently linger, perhaps going dormant or becoming numb for a while, but eventually, they build up, stacking over time and returning with force.
Tips on seeing the red flags and managing triggers.
Next time you are triggered, learn how to better understand your triggers and act in a way that will strengthen self-awareness and connection to share mature, nurturing, and fulfilling relationships. This is how to break the old subconscious pattern and create a more resourceful state.
Seek to understand by being curious and flexible rather than closed off. Ask yourself, "Am I feeling this way now because it reminds me of past experiences/my childhood?". "Am I reacting and protecting myself, or am I open to connecting to my awareness of my thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations?" Bringing your focus to what it is you are experiencing and what you need instead will allow you to process and assess how open you are to listening, expressing, healing, and repairing. "How can I better communicate my needs instead of expecting my partner to interpret and respond to my mood?"
If you are closed off, take some time to connect to your inner wisdom and not insecurities. We often judge, criticize, and blame; therefore, we do not take responsibility; Love cannot grow with these ingredients.
In these moments of self-reflection, as we drop into our heart space, we can validate ourselves, better understand what is important to us, and discover more resourceful ways to resolve arguments by finding solutions that encourage meaningful intimate conversations, helping the relationship and Love to grow. If you are having difficulty seeing the red flags and working through your triggers, it is advisable to seek professional therapy.
No matter where you are in your life, and what you have experienced, it is possible to see this Love right now. Connect with yourself because there is an inner wisdom within you that already knows what you need to do to become whole and complete with the capacity to share and experience healthy Love from the heart.
Be the Love that you want.
Lai Tattis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lai is a life coach and clinical hypnotherapist who helps people to heal from their past to change their future by growing from limitation to liberation using the amazing power of their own mind freeing them to live energised, confident and meaningful lives they’re excited about. Her approach is intuitive, transformational, and Spiritual. She draws on philosophies from NLP, Matrix Therapy, Modern & Traditional Hypnosis, Neuroscience & Psychotherapy. Lai speaks internationally, offers professional, personalised audio tracks, online courses, workshops and one-on-one sessions remotely all over the world in a safe and supportive space. She believes that magic happens when transformation occurs on the inside.
