Empowering parents of tweens and teens to turn stress into calmness and strength. Guide your children to manage transitions with confidence and resilience. Mental fitness will teach you 'how.'
By understanding and controlling your mind, you can choose to parent with unconditional love. Don't let the autopilot mind deceive you with its tactics. Choose awareness to empower you to build stronger communication with your teens. Strengthen your parenting skills with positive parenting tips and game-changing mental fitness practices.
When life gets chaotic, it's easy for parent-teen communication to become strained. A recent client shared how her relationship with her oldest son was hanging by a thread. Every conversation seemed to end in frustration or silence. She realized she was operating on autopilot, guided by her Controller Saboteur—one of the automatic voices in our minds that promotes negativity and stress. The Controller is pushy, demanding, and insists things get done its way. Although this mom's intentions were good, the outcome was anything but.
The communication divide
Communication is the bridge between understanding and misunderstanding. For many families, that bridge is under construction. As parents, we strive to guide, protect, and support our children, but when our Saboteurs are in charge, we build walls instead of bridges.
The controller saboteur
For my client, the Controller thrived on being in charge. Convinced she was protecting her son and ensuring his success, she controlled decisions. But he felt steamrolled, unheard, and unworthy of independent decision-making. The more she pushed, the more he withdrew. Their conversations became frustrating and divisive, leaving her to wonder where it all went wrong.
Discovering her Controller Saboteur became a turning point in their relationship. Equipped with tools to intercept its interference, she learned how to pull, not push. Instead of insisting on her way, she began to ask questions, place herself in his shoes, and listen to his perspective without judgment. With practice, they began to rebuild their communication bridge, and without the Controller's interference, their relationship deepened.
The avoider saboteur
Another client faced challenges with the Avoider Saboteur, which led her to shy away from difficult conversations with her teen daughter. The Avoider insisted she was keeping the peace by avoiding tough topics, but in reality, anxiety and guilt grew as the problem got bigger.
She learned to intercept the Avoider's interference by taking small, manageable steps. For example, she began by writing down the main points she wanted to communicate. Each small step built momentum, bringing flexibility and ease into the situation. As her calmness returned, communication improved, and their relationship strengthened.
The pleaser saboteur
Many parents struggle with the Pleaser Saboteur, which puts others' needs before their own to gain acceptance and affection. But while helping and rescuing others, resentment builds as their own needs remain unmet. Over time, this can lead to a breakdown in communication with their teen, who may lose trust in their parent's ability to provide honest feedback.
As one mom began to recognize and intercept her Pleaser, her relationship changed. She understood the difference between giving for satisfaction and giving for approval. By tending to her own needs first, she was better able to meet her daughter's needs and model self-respect for her impressionable teen.
The role of mental fitness in enhancing communication
Identifying our Saboteurs is step one. Step two is performing daily PQ Reps—10-second recharge breaks that focus on the breath or one of the five senses throughout the day. As a yoga teacher, I can attest to the power of this proven practice. Without frequent mindset recharges, the calmness we experience on the mat quickly fades.
Step three is strengthening our Sage muscle, which represents our truest self and parents with unconditional love. In contrast, our Saboteurs love conditionally, as illustrated by the following messages:
"I love you, but you need to try harder."
"I only want what's best for you, so you should listen to me."
"I love you when you make me proud."
"I love you, but you must respect my rules to earn my trust."
"I only criticize you because I want you to be your best self."
These Saboteur-generated messages from the Controller, Pleaser, or Hyper-Achiever subtly imply that love and approval are tied to certain behaviors, achievements, or compliance.
Transforming these messages from conditional to unconditional love requires mental muscle-building. This transformation will improve communication instantly.
Techniques for Effective Communication Through Mental Fitness Here’s how you can start building better communication with your teen: Identify Your Saboteurs.
Become curious about which of the nine Accomplice Saboteurs are influencing your mind.
Understanding their impact is the first step toward change. Interested in taking the free Saboteur Assessment? Request the link by clicking here.
Practice emotional regulation
Strengthen your mental fitness to parent from your superpowers, not your fears. Mental fitness breaks through Saboteur interference by strengthening three core muscles: the Saboteur
Interceptor Muscle, the Self Command Muscle, and the Sage Muscle, which supports your truest self.
Engage your sage
Practice the five Sage Power Games. This innovative approach ensures you'll parent with unconditional love, not Saboteur conditions. Discover more about Mental Fitness and your Sage here.
Building bridges, not walls
Improving communication with your teen isn’t about perfection, control, or hyper-vigilance. It starts with self-awareness and progresses by being 1% better each day. Mental fitness embraces mistakes as learning opportunities and growth potential. It celebrates every small step as a win because it's a big deal to interrupt powerful Saboteurs. You'll move from feeling like you're on opposite sides of a divide to standing together on solid ground.
Self-awareness, building brain muscles with PQ Reps, and practicing Sage Power Games are proven, effective, and enjoyable methods that create sustainable change. They nurture your parent-child relationship at every age.
Trust an older mom with mental fitness: it's never too soon or too late to get mentally fit. It's the greatest gift you can give yourself and your kids.
If you're ready to explore how your mindset and Saboteurs may be impacting your relationship with your teen, let's talk. Book a free discovery call with me today to explore how your Saboteurs are interfering with your wellness and relationships with your kids. Click here.
Read more from Barb Kornbrath
Barb Kornbrath, Certified Positive Intelligence Coach
Barb Kornbrath empowers parents of tweens and teens to manage stress. She helps improve communication, manage anxiety, and nurture emotional intelligence. Using mental fitness techniques, she supports parents in creating resilient, loving family dynamics. Barb transforms parenting challenges into lifelong learning opportunities. Her mission is to promote conscious parenting, one mindset at a time. Happy, thriving parents and kids await!
