Written by Rita Clare, Psychotherapeutic Coach
Rita Clare is a certified Psychotherapeutic Coach specialising in breakups, divorce, and trauma. With 14+ years of experience, she helps clients unhook from the past, regain confidence, and thrive. She runs the Resilient You Pathway program, supporting groups through breakups.
Are you going through a breakup? Feeling anxious? Perhaps life feels like a strange limbo, where your past is just a collection of memories, and the future you once imagined has simply vanished, leaving you feeling lost and disconnected. Maybe you wake up each day with a sudden pang of anxiety, jolted back (yet again) to the harsh reality that something is missing.
But what if I told you that some of this emotional turmoil isn’t just about the breakup? That the sense of loss, the anxiety, and the emptiness might actually stem, at least in part, from previously hidden emotional needs? And what if you could reduce, or even eliminate, some of that breakup anxiety just by conducting a simple life audit to uncover what’s missing?
The 9 emotional needs
We all know about our basic human needs for food, water, warmth, and shelter, but there is a lesser-known set of needs, some you might have been neglecting for a long time.
I’m talking about the 9 Emotional Needs, and suffering is inevitable when these needs are not met. Just as a plant wilts without proper care, you too may experience consequences such as anxiety, depression, and even destructive coping mechanisms like addiction when your emotional needs are neglected.
There is the added danger that if you don't address all of your missing emotional needs, the emotional pain of a breakup will be hugely intensified, and the healing process will take much longer.
Before you read on, download the FREE Breakup Pathway Journal to help you work through each of the following emotional needs.
Consideration of the following set of needs is crucial for your mental health and reducing anxiety, especially during a breakup:
1. Security: Feeling safe and secure
After a breakup, your sense of stability may be shattered. Create a daily routine to ground yourself. Surround yourself with a network of supportive people, and ensure your living environment feels like a sanctuary.
2. Attention: Giving and receiving it
Heartbreak can make you feel unseen or unworthy of attention. Actively seek moments to give and receive attention, whether through deep conversations with a friend, engaging in activities with family, or volunteering to help someone in need. This mutual exchange will help rebuild your self-worth.
3. Autonomy: Influencing your own life
Breakups often leave us feeling utterly powerless. Reclaim your autonomy by taking back control and making small, empowering decisions. Start by planning activities for your week or setting new goals. If necessary, establish clear boundaries with your ex to protect your energy and focus more on yourself.
4. Privacy: Taking time to reflect and process
Alone time can feel daunting after a breakup, but it’s essential. Use moments of solitude to journal your thoughts, meditate, or simply sit with your emotions. You are grieving a loss, and you need to go through this stage to heal properly. Avoid oversharing with others too soon, as this can hinder genuine self-reflection.
5. Emotional intimacy: Sharing your feelings with someone you trust
The loss of emotional intimacy can be one of the hardest parts of a breakup. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a coach. Open up about your feelings, and allow yourself to connect and be vulnerable with those who care about you.
6. Status: Feeling valued and recognized
It’s easy to feel diminished after a breakup, especially if you experienced rejection or criticism. From now on, celebrate your achievements, big or small, and recognize your worth. Take on new responsibilities or roles that affirm your value, such as mentoring someone or learning a new skill.
7. Competence: Building confidence in your abilities
Breakups can leave you doubting your abilities. You can counter this by setting achievable goals. Complete a small project, like reorganizing a cupboard, or master a newly learned skill. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, restores confidence and reminds you of your capabilities.
8. Purpose: Finding meaning in life
Breakups often force us to reassess our lives. This can be an opportunity to realign with your core values and discover new passions. Engage in what matters to you the most. Volunteer, explore creative pursuits, or invest in personal growth. These actions will create a sense of purpose and give you something meaningful to focus on.
9. Connection: Becoming part of something larger than yourself
Isolation is a common response to heartbreak, but it often prolongs the pain. Join groups, clubs, or online communities that share your interests. Building new connections can speed up healing and remind you that life is full of opportunities for meaningful relationships.
If you need professional support to work through your breakup, book a free consultation with a therapist or coach.
Take action to feel better
Breakups are hard, but they can also shine a light on unmet emotional needs that have been amplifying your anxiety, presenting an opportunity to make a lasting and positive change in your life.
Consider the kind of action you have been taking. During a breakup, it's all too common for people to isolate themselves or turn to substances like alcohol to numb their feelings. Others may rely on prescription medications like antidepressants or sleeping pills to get through it.
But breakup recovery isn't about numbing the pain. It’s important to reflect on the relationship and the role you played in it. It's equally important to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself time to grieve. Remember that medication is often just a temporary fix, it doesn't get to the root of the problem. Instead, try taking the following steps:
1. Conduct a mini-life audit
When coaching my clients who are struggling to move on post-breakup, often, it isn’t that something is wrong with them but rather that the way they are living is out of alignment. By getting their emotional needs met more fully, they create the foundation needed for faster recovery, renewed purpose, and lasting emotional resilience.
Use the 9 Emotional Needs listed above to uncover what has been missing in your life. Some of these needs have likely been neglected due to prioritizing your past relationship. Now, it’s time to start putting yourself first.
2. Journal for post-breakup learning
Journaling is a powerful tool for healing after a breakup. By putting pen to paper, you can slow down racing thoughts, process your emotions, reflect, and gain clarity on some of the deeper ways your emotional needs have not been met. You will begin to notice patterns in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, patterns that have shaped your past relationships.
This self-reflection allows you to recognize recurring themes, such as a longing for emotional security, connection, or even more adventure. Over time, your unconscious mind will unlock and reveal what you truly need to move forward. This clarity can guide you toward making healthier choices, setting stronger boundaries, and ultimately creating a future that fulfills you on a much deeper level.
Journaling isn’t just about venting. It’s about uncovering the lessons learned, identifying your true desires, and recognizing the opportunities that will help you rebuild your life and move on to the next chapter.
Uncover the hidden mind
Your unconscious mind is constantly working behind the scenes, processing information before you’re even aware of it. It scans your surroundings through your five senses, detects patterns, and influences your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, often without you realizing it.
Our emotions act as signals, alerting us when something isn’t right, or, more specifically, when an emotional need is unmet. Our brains are natural problem solvers, so taking time to listen to those signals and find solutions will be beneficial.
To create real change, you need to bring these hidden influences into conscious awareness. It’s only by making the unconscious conscious that you can take control and begin to transform your emotional well-being. Here’s how:
1. Check in with your emotions
Throughout each day, be honest and ask yourself, “How am I feeling? What is this emotion trying to signal to me? Which of my emotional needs are being neglected right now?”
2. Dig deeper
Identify the real problem using your rational mind. Ask yourself, “What needs to change for my anxiety to be alleviated? What positive action can I take to get my needs met more effectively?”
Note: It doesn’t have to be a huge action. Small, consistent steps will keep the needle moving in the right direction, easing negative emotions and helping you restore balance.
For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may need to prioritize the need for Privacy. Try carving out time to reflect on your day or regularly listen to relaxing music. If you’re feeling lonely, you may need to take positive steps to create more Connection by arranging to meet with a friend or anonymously joining an online chat group.
Final thoughts
We all have an innate ability to meet our missing emotional needs. Once you identify which needs are lacking, you'll become more aware of the positive opportunities around you. You may even want to use your imagination to mentally rehearse fulfilling those needs in a healthy way, helping you feel even more confident and motivated to take action.
Once your brain and body recognize that the problem is being resolved, your nervous system will begin to calm down. You’ll likely notice your anxiety fading or at least becoming more manageable.
So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by a breakup, resist the urge to seek a quick pharmaceutical fix. Instead, pay attention to what your deeper emotions are trying to signal. Conduct a mini-life audit using the 9 Emotional Needs listed above, and take small steps to get your needs met more effectively. Your future self will thank you for taking the time to reflect, allowing you to heal and move on more quickly.
Remember to download the FREE Breakup Pathway Journal; it will guide you through each emotional need, one by one, and ask the right questions to get you started.
Reach out for support if you are struggling, and book a consultation with me to find your own unique pathway to healing. Your healing journey begins here!
Learn more about the Human Givens approach to emotional needs here.
Assess how well you’re coping. Check out this quick and easy mental health assessment.
Read more from Rita Clare
Rita Clare, Psychotherapeutic Coach
Rita Clare is a Psychotherapeutic Coach with over 14 years of experience, specialising in helping individuals rebuild their lives after trauma, breakup, and divorce. Combining hypnotherapy, coaching, NLP, and Human Givens Solution-Focused Psychotherapy; she empowers clients to release the past, ease anxiety, and meet their emotional needs—guiding them to thrive after change.
