How Meeting Your 9 Emotional Needs Reduces Anxiety After a Breakup

Written by Rita Clare, Psychotherapeutic Coach

Rita Clare is a certified Psychotherapeutic Coach specialising in breakups, divorce, and trauma. With 14+ years of experience, she helps clients unhook from the past, regain confidence, and thrive. She runs the Resilient You Pathway program, supporting groups through breakups.

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Are you going through a breakup? Feeling anxious? Perhaps life feels like a strange limbo—where your past is just a collection of memories, and the future you once imagined has simply vanished, leaving you feeling lost and disconnected. Perhaps you're waking up each day with a sudden pang of anxiety as you’re jolted back (yet again) to the harsh reality that something is missing.

But what if I told you that some of this emotional turmoil isn’t just about the breakup? That the sense of loss, the anxiety, and the emptiness might partly stem from previously hidden emotional needs? And what if you could reduce—or even eliminate—some of that breakup anxiety just by conducting a simple life audit to uncover what’s missing?

The 9 emotional needs

We all know about our basic human needs for food, water, warmth, and shelter, but there is a lesser-known set of needs—some you might have been neglecting for a long time.

I’m talking about the 9 Emotional Needs, and suffering is inevitable when such needs are not met. Just as a plant will wilt without proper care, you too will face consequences such as anxiety, depression, and even destructive coping mechanisms such as addiction when your emotional needs are being neglected. 

There is the added danger that if you don't address all your missing emotional needs, the emotional pain of a breakup will be hugely intensified, and the healing process will take much longer.

Before you read on— download the FREE Breakup Pathway Journal to help you work through each of the following emotional needs. 

Consideration of the following set of needs is crucial for your mental health and reducing anxiety— especially during a breakup:

1. Security: Feeling safe and secure

After a breakup, your sense of stability may be shattered. Create a daily routine to ground yourself. Surround yourself with a network of supportive people and ensure your living environment feels like a sanctuary.

2. Attention: Giving and receiving it

Heartbreak can make you feel unseen or unworthy of attention. Actively seek moments to give and receive attention—whether through deep conversations with a friend, engaging in activities with family, or volunteering to help someone in need. This mutual exchange will help rebuild your self-worth.

3. Autonomy: Influencing your own life

Breakups often leave us feeling utterly powerless. Reclaim your autonomy by taking back control and making small, empowering decisions. Start by planning activities for your week or setting new goals. If necessary, establish clear boundaries with your ex to protect your energy and focus more on yourself.

4. Privacy: Taking time to reflect and process

Alone time can feel daunting after a breakup, but it’s essential. Use moments of solitude to journal your thoughts, meditate, or simply sit with your emotions. You are grieving a loss, and you need to go through this stage to heal quickly. Avoid oversharing with others too soon, as this can hinder genuine self-reflection.

5. Emotional intimacy: Sharing your feelings with someone you trust

The loss of the emotional intimacy once shared can be one of the hardest parts of a breakup. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a coach. Open up about your feelings and allow yourself to connect and be vulnerable with those who care about you.

6. Status: Feeling valued and recognised

It’s easy to feel diminished after a breakup, especially if you experienced rejection or criticism. From now on, celebrate your achievements—big or small—and recognise your worth. Take on new responsibilities or roles that affirm your value, such as mentoring someone or learning a new skill.

7. Competence: Building confidence in your abilities

Breakups can leave you doubting your abilities. You can counter this by setting achievable goals.  Complete a small project, like reorganising a cupboard. Or master a newly learned skill. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, restores confidence and reminds you of your capabilities.

8. Purpose: Finding meaning in life

Breakups often force us to reassess our lives. This can be an opportunity to realign with your core values and discover new passions. Engage in what matters to you the most. Volunteer, explore creative pursuits, or invest in personal growth. These actions will create a sense of purpose and give you something meaningful to focus on.

9. Connection: Becoming part of something larger than yourself

Isolation is a common response to heartbreak, but it often prolongs the pain. Join groups, clubs, or online communities that share your interests. Building new connections can speed up healing and remind you that life is full of opportunities for meaningful relationships to be formed.

If you need professional support to work through your breakup, you can click to book a free consultation with me. 

Take action to feel better

Breakups are hard. But they can also shine a light on unmet emotional needs that have been amplifying your anxiety, presenting an opportunity to make a lasting and positive change in your life. 

Consider the kind of action you have been taking. During a breakup, it's all too common for people to isolate themselves or turn to substances like alcohol to numb their feelings. Others may jump at relying on prescription medications like antidepressants or sleeping pills to get through it. 

But breakup recovery isn't about numbing the pain. It’s important to reflect on the relationship and the part you played in it. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself time to grieve. Remember that medication is often just a sticking plaster. It doesn't get to the root of the problem. 

Instead, try taking the following steps: 

1. Conduct a mini-life audit

When coaching my clients who are struggling to move on post-breakup, often, it isn’t that something is wrong with them—but the way they are living that is out of alignment. And so, by getting their emotional needs met more fully, they create the foundation needed for faster recovery, renewed purpose, and lasting emotional resilience. 

Use the 9 Emotional Needs listed above to uncover what has been missing in your life. Some of those needs have likely been neglected due to putting your past relationship first. Now it’s time to start putting yourself first. 

2. Journal for post-breakup learning

Journalling is a powerful tool for healing after a breakup. By putting pen to paper, you can slow down racing thoughts, process your emotions, reflect, and gain clarity on some of the deeper ways your emotional needs are not being met. You will begin to notice patterns in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours—patterns that have shaped your past relationships.

This self-reflection allows you to recognise recurring themes, such as a longing for emotional security, connection, or even more adventure. Over time, your unconscious mind will unlock and reveal what you truly need to move forward. This clarity can guide you toward making healthier choices, setting stronger boundaries, and ultimately creating a future that fulfills you on a much deeper level.

Journaling isn’t just about venting. It’s about uncovering the lessons learned, your true desires, and the opportunities that will help you rebuild your life and move on to the next chapter.

Reveal the hidden mind

Your unconscious mind is constantly working behind the scenes, processing information you’re not aware of. It scans your surroundings through your five senses, detects patterns, and influences your thoughts, feelings, and reactions—often without you even realising it.

Our emotions act as signals, alerting us when something isn’t right—especially when an emotional need is unmet. By taking time to listen to those signals, you can bring these hidden influences into your conscious awareness, allowing your brain to find solutions. This will consequently lower your anxiety. 

It’s only by making the unconscious conscious that you can take control and begin to transform your emotional well-being.

Here’s how:

1. Check in with your emotions

Throughout each day, be honest and ask yourself, “How am I feeling? What is this emotion trying to signal to me? Which of my emotional needs are feeling neglected right now?”

2. Dig deeper

Identify the real problem using your rational mind. Ask yourself, “What needs to change for my anxiety to be alleviated? What positive action can I take to get my needs met better?” 

Note: It doesn’t have to be huge action. It’s the small and consistent steps that will keep the needle moving in the right direction, easing negative emotions and helping you restore the balance. 

For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you may need to prioritise the need for privacy. Try to carve out time to reflect on your day or regularly listen to relaxing music. If you’re feeling lonely, you may need to take positive steps to create a sense of connection. Try arranging to meet with a friend or anonymously joining an online chat group.

Final thoughts

We all have an innate ability to meet our missing emotional needs. Once you have identified which needs are missing, you'll become more aware of the positive opportunities around you. You may even like to try using your imagination to mentally rehearse fulfilling those needs—in a healthy way—so that you'll feel even more confident and motivated to take action in real life. 

Once your brain and body recognise that the problem is being resolved, your nervous system will begin to calm down. You’ll likely notice your anxiety fading or at least becoming more manageable.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by a breakup—resist the urge to seek a quick pharmaceutical fix. Instead, notice what your deeper emotions are trying to signal to you. Conduct a mini-life audit using the 9 Emotional Needs listed above. Take small steps to get your needs met better. Your future self will thank you for taking the time to reflect, and you’ll be able to heal and move on much more quickly.

Remember to download the FREE Breakup Pathway Journal – this helps you work through each emotional need, one by one, and asks you the right questions to get started. 

Reach out for support if you are struggling and book a consultation with me to find your own unique pathway to healing. Your healing journey begins here!

Learn more about the Human Givens approach to Emotional Needs here. 

Assess how well you’re coping: check out this quick and easy mental health assessment.

You can visit my Website for more information. You’ll also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. 

Read more from Rita Clare

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Rita Clare, Psychotherapeutic Coach

Rita Clare is a Psychotherapeutic Coach with over 14 years of experience, specialising in helping individuals rebuild their lives after trauma, breakup, and divorce. Combining hypnotherapy, coaching, NLP, and Human Givens Solution-Focused Psychotherapy; she empowers clients to release the past, ease anxiety, and meet their emotional needs—guiding them to thrive after change.