Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, an educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and the author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A Book about Divorce.
Perfectionism and authenticity often exist at odds with one another. While authenticity requires openness, vulnerability, and self-acceptance, perfectionism demands flawlessness, control, and external validation. Many entrepreneurs, leaders, and professionals struggle with perfectionism, fearing that if they show their true selves with imperfections and all, they will lose credibility or respect. However, the pursuit of perfection often leads to a deep sense of guilt, as individuals feel they are never quite "good enough" despite their best efforts. Left unchecked, this pattern extends beyond professional life and seeps into personal relationships, self-worth, and overall well-being, making it difficult to experience true fulfillment.
The perfectionist’s conflict: Authenticity vs. guilt
What is the opposite of authenticity? Guilt. Perfectionism thrives on guilt and shame, both of which keep individuals disconnected from their true selves and personal fulfillment. The shame felt for who one is as a person often stems from perceived or real transgressions, leading to a constant cycle of self-judgment. Authenticity, on the other hand, is rooted in truth, alignment, and inner peace. It’s not that living authentically absolves someone from people-pleasing or unrealistic expectations. It’s that authenticity provides the framework to catch unhealthy belief systems and behaviors sooner rather than later. Perfectionists are often fueled by guilt, feeling inadequate for not meeting unrealistic expectations, making mistakes, or simply taking time to rest. Guilt becomes an internalized mechanism reinforcing worth based on performance and achievement. Instead of being a constructive force, this type of guilt creates a self-punishing mindset that disconnects individuals from their authentic selves.
At their core, perfectionists deeply desire intimacy and connection. Success, to them, means being accepted and recognized as important members of a group, whether it be a family, a company, a community, or society. The problem isn’t that perfectionists don’t admire authenticity; it’s that they long for the opportunity to be authentic but fear that it will never arrive. They believe that to be accepted, they must forgo their true selves anyway; they aren’t very fond of themselves to begin with and instead adopt a perfected version. This may work for some time, often receiving accolades at school, work, and in personal endeavors until an unnerving set of questions surface:
How much longer must I pretend to be someone I am not? How much longer do I have to maintain relationships that don’t make me happy? How much longer must I continue to accept conditions that aren’t up to my standards and leave me feeling empty, used, or confused?
When individuals embrace their real selves, they no longer need to rely on external approval to validate their worth. They can accept mistakes as part of growth rather than as failures that define them. However, the transition from perfectionism to authenticity requires a deep unlearning of conditioned beliefs and societal expectations.
How guilt manipulates our perception of perfection
Perfectionism and guilt are deeply intertwined because both stem from a fear of rejection and judgment. When individuals believe their value is conditional based on performance, achievements, or external perception, they develop an internal narrative that equates mistakes with inadequacy. This creates a cycle where guilt reinforces perfectionism, and perfectionism, in turn, fuels further guilt.
For example, a perfectionist entrepreneur might feel guilty for not working long hours, assuming that rest equates to laziness and forgoing important personal relationships to spend time at work. A leader may feel guilty for setting boundaries, fearing that they are disappointing their team. A professional may feel guilty for not having all the answers, perceiving any gap in knowledge as a failure rather than a learning opportunity. When we act from a place of guilt, we act out of obligation rather than truth, and everyone around us can sense it. Saying yes because of guilt rather than genuine desire creates an undercurrent of resentment, manipulation, and self-betrayal. The repercussions of guilt-driven actions are never positive. Even if they appear to be the ‘right thing to do’ externally, internally, they erode our sense of authenticity, making us feel trapped in cycles of self-doubt and emotional exhaustion. Self-betrayal erodes trust in ourselves and others, leading to future disappointments. No wonder we feel confused, derailed, or discouraged when this is the mental framework shaping our reality.
Recognizing that guilt has been at the forefront of many life’s decisions is unsettling, to say the least. A ricochet of emotions quickly follows. Anger and resentment toward ourselves for self-betrayal and others for being complicit. Anger for recognizing these patterns and fear for not knowing how to act differently. Initially, the anger is so self-righteous that the blame is directed towards everyone else, justifying our actions for the sake of survival or not knowing any better. But once we accept responsibility, we step into a place of power. We realize the battle against perfectionism isn’t as difficult as we once thought; it only felt impossible because we weren’t allowing ourselves to love ourselves enough to be authentic.
Some of us need to identify where guilt comes from. Is it based on societal expectations? How we were raised? Unmet needs from childhood? These questions are better answered with the support of a guide who can help you out of the rabbit hole of questions and answers. When you can see the source for what it is and your justification for perfectionism as an outdated tool, you can begin to reframe the role of mistakes as opportunities to grow and as part of the general human experience. When you can honor your desire for intimate connection within yourself, you begin to create it with others around you- both professionally and personally. This allows you to set boundaries without guilt, instead, with a conscious awareness of what is best for you and those with whom you associate. The less you self-betray, the less your need for external validation. And no, this doesn’t mean that you won’t need anyone’s company, but your worth or inclusion in any group won’t rely on others’ approval of you anymore. You won’t get it perfect, that’s for sure, because your idea of perfect will shift the more you expand your capacity for self-compassion. Moments of anger, despair, sadness, judgment, and feeling attacked won’t be a sign of self-deprecation or self-criticism; instead, they will be opportunities to see where you are still holding on to guilt to stop you from leading and loving the life you desire and shift accordingly. When we are brutally honest with ourselves about our emotions, desires, and beliefs, everything else begins to fall into alignment. The road from shame to authenticity may seem long and arduous, but only for as long as we cling to the main tenets of perfectionism: people-pleasing, avoiding emotions, and chasing external validation. Once we let go, authenticity becomes effortless, and we step into our highest potential with clarity and confidence. It doesn’t happen with a snap of our fingers, no, but once the changes are set in motion, everything in your life begins to fall into place, just like that.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, an educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and the author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A Book about Divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in perfectionism, integrating the striving for personal growth with harmonious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness, and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
