Written by: Janet Philbin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It is easy to be in gratitude for the good things in life, but how about the bad, not so good, or unwanted.
Have you ever had an Ah-Ha moment? Mine was, “I am in gratitude for my trauma.” I was shocked and questioned how it was possible to be grateful for my painful life experiences. I wanted to understand what contributed to my transformation from pain to gratitude.
How do you find gratitude for unwanted life experiences? As I researched gratitude, everything I read was about how to be in gratitude for the good and positive things in life. What about gratitude for the not so good, or as Pema Chodron calls it, “the unwanted,” the bad, the struggles, and pain. Chodron says, “Use all the unwanted things in your life as a means for awakening compassion for yourself and others.” In other words, it’s important to be in gratitude for the unwanted in our lives, the not so good.
I also turned to Osho. In his book, “Buddha,” he talks about the Buddhist principle of Thahata, which means suchness. The attitude of suchness is described as: accept it. It is about accepting what is, as it is when it is. When you don’t fight what is in front of you, there is a shift because when the attitude of suchness is within us, healing can follow.
It would be wonderful if we only had good experiences, but the chances are that is not the case because life is generally full of ups and downs. Can you reflect on the downs, the ones you wish had never happened, the ones when you raised your hands and asked, “Why Me? Haven’t I been through enough already?” Can you find gratitude for those times?
Have you asked yourself these or similar questions?
Does this serve a purpose?
Haven't I already learned this lesson?
Didn’t I already have enough trauma/drama in my life?
Didn’t I do my time (so to speak)?
Why do I have to take on more now?
Sadly, you cannot undo the past. I wonder what happens when you apply the concept of suchness to these questions?
How to Find Gratitude for the Unwanted
Accept. Once you come to acceptance, you can say to yourself, “such as the way it was (or is).” Stop fighting reality. Stop putting energy into regret. When you stop fighting the reality of what is or what was, it makes space within you. Then you are not using energy in the “fight” anymore, and your energy can be used in healing.
Don’t run away from your feelings. Most of us instinctually, when we feel a feeling rising that is uncomfortable or a memory we don’t want to remember, try to avoid it, and run away from it. This does not help. We need to experience the moment we are in. When you allow yourself to be present in the feeling and accept its suchness, you can move into gratitude for the feeling. Be with the feeling. You can also take it a step further and be grateful for the feeling and what it has for you, even if it is uncomfortable or unwanted.
Do not identify with it. There is a big difference between accepting something and identifying with something. You can say, “yes, I was victimized, had an abusive childhood or alcoholic parent,” and it can just be that, as it was. When you identify as a victim, you remain in that victim role in other areas of your life because you hold onto the victim's consciousness. Understanding your pain and having compassion for yourself will move you into gratitude. Releasing victim consciousness allows you to transcend, and that transcendence is a healing force.
Stay Present. Be where you are, not in yesterday or tomorrow but the present. The present is where we find gratitude. Letting go of the ”if only's” allows you to release the energy of fighting your reality. Then you can heal yourself. Remember, each moment is unique, precious, and fresh.
Make peace with yourself. Make peace with the aspects of yourself you have rejected. This is acceptance. You make peace with yourself as you begin to walk the path of self-acceptance. You can learn from any situation. All situations have something to teach us, especially the tough ones. They teach us best. Slow down and ask yourself what I can learn from to help me reach that place of self-acceptance and gratitude?
Do not accept grudgingly. Understand that you must fully accept. If you accept grudgingly, then you are continuing the cycle of pain and suffering. However, when you accept without complaint –not in a helpless state- but in understanding and with self-compassion, that is suchness. That is empowering. I believe that from this place, you can find gratitude.
As I have gone through the last 30 years of my life, I have learned the following. I was compelled to accept the suchness of my reality and that without those times in my life, I would not be where I am right now.
I am in gratitude for the bad and ”unwanted” because it taught me more than the good alone ever could. I no longer fight the past and complain about my story. I fully accept it as part of me, and I am grateful for those times, especially those that were most painful. When I look back at the pain, I will be grateful because, in gratitude, I find my own inner wisdom and, from there, healing. When I write my gratitude lists, I will include the unwanted and remember that even the unwanted is grateful for.
Janet Philbin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Janet is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Certified Conscious Parenting Coach. Janet helps adults heal from the emotional pain and trauma of their past. She is the owner of Janet Philbin, ACSW, private psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy practice. For 21 years, Janet has been successfully helping people recover from their emotional wounds and change their lives with the power of transformational healing and hypnotherapy.
She’s the author of, Show Up For Yourself: A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth. Her book offers readers a framework to heal their emotional wounds and become emotionally whole once again. Show Up For Yourself hit Amazon’s bestseller status and won as a finalist in the 2020 Readers Favorite book contest. She works closely with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, NY Times best-selling author and Oprah’s favorite parenting expert, as an ambassador in her Conscious Parenting Coaching Method Institute.
