Written by: Alexandra Niel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I have a confession to make. When it comes to failure, I have a predominantly fixed mindset. I don’t have that mindset for everything, but when it comes to success or failure, I was raised to believe that failure was unacceptable, that I had to succeed at all costs, and that anything other than success was not an option.
I grew up in a pretty strict household where a fixed mindset delineated success and failure. I remember coming home at the end of the 1st semester of sophomore year. I was proud of my report card. I knew I had worked hard, and my grades showed I had. It was a departure from the semester before when I failed an anatomy class designed for pre-med, which I definitely wasn’t. When I handed my grades to my Dad, I remember him saying: “A-…? Why didn’t you get an A?”
I also remember applying to 6 different schools and getting rejection letters from all of them but the last one. I was relieved that I would finally have a place to further my studies.
Failing was a “bad” word. When I failed my Anatomy class, I learned that it wasn’t the topic for me and that what I thought would be a “simple” biology class was everything but. It also taught me to be more careful in choosing my classes! But getting an “F” was not funny.
This experience, and I’m sure many others, taught me that I needed to work hard. Working hard was the “surest” way to avoid failure. If I worked my butt off, then I couldn’t fail. Whether it was my summer job or career, I knew that if I worked hard enough, I couldn’t fail. But I found that working hard was not always the answer.
Personal Examples of Failure
I have many examples of failure. Sometimes I learned, sometimes I didn’t:
I failed at running and field hockey ‒ yet, I didn’t stop to realize that I failed because I lacked experience, stamina, and good technique, and with the proper strategies in place and training, I could succeed
I failed at being a project manager ‒ it was a new position, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I learned to ask questions instead of trying to figure things out on my own. This has served me well as I transitioned from corporate to entrepreneurship, even though asking questions (appearance of not knowing ‒ fixed mindset) is still something I struggle with
I “failed” to conform and behave in a way that went against my values. This was clearly a win, and I learned that my values were the foundation for my life and success.
But there was one experience etched clearly in my mind as the best failing forward experience of my life: my divorce. In July of 2010, after yet another argument with my former husband, I decided enough was enough. I did not like who I was when I was with him; with this knowledge came the strength to ask for a divorce. It was not easy. It was yet another example of failure in my life, but I was determined to learn from it.
I started diving into personal development and learning about myself. This deep dive led me to get my coaching certification. Thanks to this experience, I had a backup plan which allowed me to leave the corporate world after failing to work up to my usual standard at work because I was on the verge of burnout. My values were not aligned with the company values. When it came time for my review, I knew I wasn’t performing not only to the company’s expectations but to my own expectations.
Since becoming a full-time coach, I have experienced failure after failure. I’ve held webinars where no one showed up. I have had countless discovery calls with potential clients without getting their commitment. I have tried different strategies on social media. And still, despite showing up consistently, I am struggling. I haven’t figured out my secret sauce yet, but I know that with every failed tactic, I learn something new. So, I re-tool, re-package, and change my communication because failure is not an option. And I don’t say that from the Fixed mindset lens, but from the deep knowledge that this is the work that I am supposed to do, so no matter how many times I fail, I will not give up.
6 Lessons from Failure
Failure brings innovation: It is often only when we fail that we try something new. When something is working, there is seldom a need to rework. But when we fail, the desire to improve means we have to choose a different track, try another option, or do something unexpected.
Reward effort, not only success: Make a habit of rewarding effort in addition to success. When you give something your best shot, when you show up even when no one else does, pat yourself on the back for putting in the hours because it is only success delayed, not denied
Share failures: Talk to colleagues or fellow entrepreneurs about your failures. Why? Because it can help you think through what you might have done better. Also, it not only gives them permission to fail but also gives them the chance to learn from your mistakes. Also, share what works because if you can cut their learning curve, that’s a win for everyone.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself: You’re going to have moments when you feel like throwing in the towel. Sometimes, you might benefit from throwing yourself a small pity party. It’s OK to get mad that you’re putting in a lot of effort and not getting the desired results. Just don’t live there. And one more thing, every time you don’t see success, it’s one less thing that’s getting in the way of your future success.
Reframe your stories: The only thing that has the potential to keep you from getting what you want is the story you tell yourself, it’s the meaning you assign to what’s happened. When you fail, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of victimhood and spin out of control. But by rising above that and being grateful for the learning, know you’re getting one step closer to your dream.
Be determined: Dig your heels in. When I left, many co-workers came to me and said, “I wish I could do what you just did.” People are watching what you’re doing and you owe it to them to succeed in your endeavors because then, they can see that it is possible, that they don’t have to stay in a job that is sucking the life out of them, that if they plan and start to think about what else they can do, they eventually will build themselves a way out, and THAT is motivation to keep going when the only thing you want to do is give up.
Final Thoughts
Though it may not seem like it at first, failure can be one of your life's most powerful tools. Embrace it and use it to your advantage. It just might help you to achieve the success you’ve always wanted.
Alexandra Niel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Alexandra Niel is a Certified High Performance and Mindset Coach and a FemCity Collective Leader. She has 30 years of experience in Corporate and is a French native who has lived and worked in Europe, Latin America, and Asia. Her journey into personal development and coaching began after a personal event and she became certified by the High-Performance Institute in 2016. Alex uses a mix of science-validated methodology, experience, and intuition to help women executives who feel unfulfilled despite their success to clarify what is important to them and make lasting changes in their lives so they can leave a meaningful and enduring legacy.
Alex loves reading, discovering new restaurants, and trying different and exotic foods and is an avid traveler. Her motto is "Life is too short to not chase your dreams."
Keywords:
Reframe: https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/reframing-the-negative-into-the positive
Determination: https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/be-determined-to-stretch forward
Failure: https://www.brainzmagazine.com/post/the-beauty-of-failure
