Written by Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy
Roje Khalique is a visionary clinical consultant with 20 years of experience in mental health. She is the founder of rkTherapy, a London-based bespoke psychology consultancy, and a specialist in culturally attuned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is the bridge between our thoughts and feelings, shaping how we navigate relationships and life's challenges. From a therapist's perspective, understanding this delicate balance is key to fostering deeper connections, managing stress, and building resilience. Dive into the profound dance of mind and heart to uncover how emotional intelligence can transform your personal and professional life.
Understanding emotional intelligence: More than just a concept
Emotional intelligence (EQ), as defined by Daniel Goleman (1995), is essential for both professional and personal growth as well as meaningful relationships. Many clients who come to psychological therapy express a desire to improve their emotional intelligence but struggle to define what it means. When clients come to treatment expressing a desire to enhance their emotional intelligence, they often struggle to articulate what that entails. To facilitate their understanding, I ask clients to define what being "more emotionally intelligent" means to them, how they would recognise improvements in their emotional intelligence, and, importantly, what leads them to believe they currently lack this skill. Their responses frequently reveal the intricate interplay between thought and emotion that I believe epitomises true emotional intelligence. In my work with individuals facing mental and emotional challenges, we explore how emotional intelligence is not merely about separating logic from feelings; rather, it is about harmonising the mind and heart to cultivate deeper and more authentic human connections.
1. The foundation: Normalisation and acceptance
The journey to emotional intelligence begins with a profound realisation: emotions, particularly negative ones, are not signs of weakness but essential guides that navigate us through life's complexities. It takes tremendous courage to be vulnerable to acknowledge and express our deepest feelings without the need to avoid, suppress, or ignore them. This courage to accept our true emotions forms the bedrock of emotional intelligence. Often, individuals find themselves unsure of what they are feeling because society does not equip them with the tools to understand their emotions. In schools and parents, negative emotions are frequently portrayed as signs of an inability to cope, leading many to believe that these feelings should be avoided or dismissed.
However, acknowledging and embracing negative emotions can indeed be pivotal in building resilience. Rather than indicating dysfunction, these feelings can provide invaluable insights and opportunities for personal growth. Clients learn that emotional intelligence starts with accurately labelling emotions and allowing themselves to feel these emotions fully. Creating a safe, confidential environment enables clients to experience their feelings deeply, even when this leads to crying, distress, or anger. This emotional expression is not merely cathartic; it is essential for growth and understanding.
Recognising that emotions, both positive and negative, are an inherent part of the human experience is crucial. Feeling worried, sad, or frustrated is a natural response to life's challenges, not necessarily or automatically going to indicate a sign of mental health problems or emotional instability. Through ‘feeling and accepting emotions,’ we can become emotionally available, allowing us to open ourselves up to deeper connections, and only then can we develop a better understanding and empathy for the experiences of others. By normalising negative emotions, we can recognise that emotional vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but rather a true indicator of strength, maturity, and a willingness to be present with ourselves and others.
2. Enhancing self-awareness
Self-awareness is also a key component of emotional intelligence. After all, how can we understand what we're feeling without consistent conscious awareness? Many individuals have been conditioned to suppress their emotions from a young age, particularly negative ones, having been led to believe that expressing them was unnecessary or wrong. For instance, messages that sadness, worry, or frustration are signs of weakness or that "being too sensitive" indicates a character flaw can create a deep disconnect between intellectual understanding and emotional experience. Early childhood conditioning can lead to a lifetime of emotional numbness, making it challenging to develop the self-awareness necessary for emotional intelligence.
Regularly tuning into our emotional states instead of distracting ourselves allows us to process and navigate through them more effectively. By developing a keen self-awareness, we can recognise when our emotions dominate and negatively impact our behaviours, potentially leading to regrets. Similarly, we become attuned to how avoiding discussions about our emotions can strain our relationships. Embracing this awareness paves the way to breaking free from the confines of emotional repression, fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and enriching our interactions with others. This understanding lays the groundwork for more authentic relationships, enhancing our decision-making capabilities by allowing us to assess situations with clarity, devoid of emotional bias.
Moreover, emotional awareness nurtures empathy and compassion, empowering us to approach life's challenges with a supportive and patient demeanour. A heightened self-awareness enables us to understand how we feel about people, places, and things, and only then can we work towards truly communicating our needs, wants, and desires to others, which is the essence of being authentic.
3. Breaking down gender perspectives in EQ, emotional regulation
I am often told by women, "My partner’s not emotionally intelligent." While studies have shown that women typically score higher on empathy compared to men, this leads many to assume women are inherently more emotionally intelligent. However, as I frequently discuss in therapy sessions, this assumption is not accurate. Empathy, while identified by Goleman as one component of emotional intelligence, is just one aspect. Scoring high on empathy alone doesn't equate to high emotional intelligence, as emotional regulation, the ability to manage emotions effectively, is equally crucial. According to studies, women are often more expressive and may have heightened emotional responses due to both biological (i.e., reproductive years) and social factors.
Men's emotional expression often varies significantly based on social context. I've observed that they are least likely to display emotions in group settings with other men, more willing to do so in one-on-one interactions, and often most comfortable sharing feelings with female friends who don't expect them to conform to a "macho" persona. Additionally, some men may fear vulnerability around romantic partners, concerned that they may be ‘judged’ or perceived as "weak."
This highlights the critical balance between emotional regulation and expression, indicating notable gender differences in both areas. When women assert their superior emotional intelligence, they often focus primarily on emotional expression and empathy. However, emotional regulation is equally vital. Frequent and uncontrollable emotional expression without proper processing or regulation can lead to disconnection from others, signalling a potential area for growth. Interestingly, men often exhibit stronger emotional regulation in certain situations, which can, in extreme cases, result in emotional suppression rather than healthy expression.
Recently, I have noticed some individuals, particularly men, misinterpreting stoicism as a hallmark of high emotional intelligence. This belief can create a false dichotomy where emotional restraint is seen as emotionally adept, leading to the avoidance of genuine emotional experiences. Therefore, true emotional intelligence involves not only managing emotions effectively but also allowing for their expression healthily and constructively. Consequently, there are opportunities for development for both men and women when it comes to navigating their emotional landscapes.
4. The journey from intellectualisation to feeling
In therapy, when I ask, "What did you feel?" some clients respond with, "Well, I know it's not logical, but." They're answering a feeling question with thoughts, revealing sometimes their deep-seated avoidance of emotional experience. Even after multiple sessions, some clients display limited emotional vocabulary, defaulting to vague terms like "upset" or "mad" instead of articulating specific emotions such as frustration, resentment, guilt, shame, or fear. Emotional intelligence centres on emotions, yet highly intellectual individuals skilled in analytical and logical reasoning can often recount an entire distressing event without displaying emotional vulnerability or employing emotional vocabulary in the entire narration. What's particularly striking is how some individuals often struggle to recognise that being emotionally intelligent fundamentally means being able to feel emotions. They mistakenly believe they can ‘think their way to higher emotional intelligence,’ failing to grasp that Intelligence Quotient (IQ) differs fundamentally from emotional intelligence.
Through therapy, individuals can often begin to learn the skill of sitting with emotions, noticing how emotions feel in their bodies and what thoughts and memories arise, and start to recognise the courage required for emotional vulnerability, thus understanding that emotional expression and emotional availability mean ‘emotional vulnerability,’ which takes immense courage ultimately required for improving emotional intelligence.
Conclusion: The integration of mind and heart
Our ability to normalise, accept, feel, and express emotions enriches our experiences and relationships. In addition, by understanding and managing our emotions, we can navigate challenges, take meaningful steps toward our goals, and improve our relationships, even in the face of emotional discomfort.
In my therapy practice, I've observed a fascinating dynamic. Clients who seek help because they feel "too sensitive" or "too emotional" often make significant strides in regulating their emotions through cognitive tools and techniques. Paradoxically, it is those who overly intellectualise their experiences, relying solely on logic and reason, who tend to struggle with vulnerability and expressing emotions. This can make therapy a more challenging journey for them, as they must learn to balance their analytical minds with emotional awareness.
In conclusion, I would argue that it is far easier to learn to apply logic and develop cognitive skills, as most people can become proficient in logical reasoning and problem-solving with the right tools and guidance, as we learn to do so in schools and the workplace. However, for those who struggle with emotional expression and vulnerability, the journey is often more arduous. To become vulnerable, to feel, and to sit with emotions requires a profound shift in one's relationship with one's emotional experience. It demands a willingness to confront and explore one's inner world, develop emotional awareness, and cultivate a sense of comfort with uncertainty and ambiguity. Clients who successfully develop emotional intelligence become more attuned to their emotions and those of others during interactions, fostering authentic connections. This heightened awareness boosts self-motivation, as emotions no longer act as barriers, and enhances social skills by alleviating fears around emotional vulnerability and emotional connection.
Finally, the journey toward greater emotional intelligence is not about achieving perfection or suppressing our emotions; it is about embracing the full spectrum of human experience while developing the skills to navigate it wisely. The most transformative moments often arise when clients discover that emotional intelligence is not about choosing between head and heart; it’s about allowing them to work together in harmony. This integration creates a foundation for authentic living, deeper relationships, and greater resilience in the face of life's challenges. When approached with awareness and intention, the interplay between rationality and emotion transforms from a source of internal conflict into a wellspring of wisdom and connection.
Take the next step towards emotional intelligence
Your journey toward greater emotional intelligence begins here. If you're ready to explore your emotions, deepen your understanding of yourself, and foster more meaningful connections in your life, we invite you to reach out.
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Read more from Roje Khalique
Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy
Roje is a clinical practitioner for a wide range of anxiety disorders and depression. She is dedicated to making quality psychological support accessible to high-achieving professionals in the legal and finance industries in London's high-stakes corporate world. During COVID-19 she recognised a global and increasing need for evidence-based support and developed a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) online, virtual platform and a mobile app. Designed to fit the demanding schedules of professionals not only in London but across Europe, the US, the Middle East, and Asia.
