Written by: Anne Hellgren, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Tired of living as roommates rather than partners? This article will share how you can regain intimacy and connection in your relationship.
When we start dating someone, most people may take a while to create a deep sense of connection and intimacy. I emphasize deep here for those that argue they felt the connection after a couple of dates. While we can feel attracted and have a connection with someone after a couple of dates, getting to truly know someone tends to take longer. It takes letting your guard down, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, showing up authentically, and accepting the truths of who you are and who they are. I believe this is when a deeper connection and intimacy can be created.
So, what happens further down the line? Years have passed, children have been born, careers have become more demanding, businesses have been started, and so on. As we grow in our relationships, we grow as individuals too, outside of that relationship. If we do not pay attention to how we are growing, as an individual and as a couple, we can more easily drift apart and our connection and intimacy falls. So, what do we do then?
Here are a couple of points that can help you get back the connection and intimacy you desire.
1. Create an open and safe relationship environment.
Many times, we disconnect because we do not feel safe or open enough to have certain conversations in our relationship. We think or feel that saying certain things to our partners will hurt them, so we avoid the talk altogether. Or we think we will be judged for saying or doing something so instead we hold our tongue and let our consciousness be eaten away with guilt. Instead, create an environment where you both let each other know that your relationship environment is safe, open, non-judgmental, and honest enough to have any conversation.
Let your partner know that whatever they are going through, whether at work, at home, their health, parenting, and so on, you are there to listen and support them as much as you can. You can listen to this episode of my podcast The Love You Want to get more insights on how to create a more open and safe relationship environment.
2. Understand each other’s Love Maps
We must learn to get and stay curious about our partners as we grow as a couple. Staying curious means learning to ask questions that help you understand your partner better. What do they value? What makes them feel appreciated? How do they receive love? What are their future goals and desires? Renowned researchers and clinical psychologists, Drs John and Julie Gottman use the term Love Map as a way to help couples develop deeper insights and understanding of each other’s life and world.
This means having the cognitive room to remember major events in each other's histories. It also means they were aware of future important events in their spouse's life, as well as each other’s goals in life, worries, and dreams. Couples that had the emotional intelligence to know each other’s Love Maps were significantly more successful in their relationships. This also led to a conscious effort to stay more connected with each other, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
3. Show Appreciation and Attention
It can be easier to let slip the occasional ‘Thank You's’ for a kind act done. We can also fall into the rant of our busy lives and not give our partners the attention they want from time to time. But disconnection and resentment can easily build up if it goes on for too long. There are several ways to show our appreciation for the person we are with. What’s important is that you show it the way they would like to receive it. So, if gifts aren’t a biggie on their list of desires, take the time to find out what is rather than indulge in mindless shopping.
We all want to receive attention from our spouses, no matter who we are. Being acknowledged and seen is a human need. That is why it is easy to be in a relationship and still be lonely. Because ultimately, we still desire a level of attention that reassures us that we matter. Make the time and effort to do this regularly, and not just when something has been done for your benefit. Let your partner know you appreciate how they financially support the family. Or how they have such patience with the kids’ homework. Or even just how they smile at you. Learn to find the gems in the small things too, for often they can make a deeper impact when noticed than the bigger stuff.
If you or someone you know would like to find out what your strengths and areas for improvement are in your relationship, you can download my FREE 5-Day Relationship Mindset Challenge. This challenge is designed to be a self-exploration journey and is open to anyone who wants to improve their confidence, self-worth, clarity, communication, and mindset! And ultimately build the kind of relationship you want! You can do it as a couple to help you get reconnected with each other as you both identify what and how the disconnection has been created and how you can work to reconnect!
Anne Hellgren, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anne is the Founder of Anne Hellgren Coaching, a Relationship Expert, Certified Coach, Board Member & Podcast Host. She helps people live fulfilled, successful, and joyful lives through their relationship with themselves- and others.
Her expertise has helped her clients to gain the Confidence, Clarity, Communication, Connections, and Mindset that have changed their relationships and many other areas of their lives. Her Podcast 'The Love You Want- It starts with you', has a global audience and is ranked as one of the most shared podcasts globally by Spotify.
Anne works with her clients on a deep level because she has experienced most of what she helps others through. Her own life experiences of past bad, abusive, and toxic relationships, as well as a contentious divorce, provide a level of understanding and empathy that is much valued by those she helps. She has combined her life experiences with her qualifications, that is, an MSc in Occupational & Organisational Psychology, a BSc in Counselling Psychology, NLP, and Time-Line Therapy practices, amongst other qualifications, to create very impactful and empowering coaching programs. Being able to create bespoke programs for her client's exact needs is one of her many areas of expertise.
