Written by: Preeti Mistry, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever been in a “situationship” where you could have sworn someone was the one for you, and you felt all the passion and excitement, only to find out that months later it ended to your dismay? You had already made this person your soulmate in your mind and planned out how it was all going to unfold into a happy marriage, full of adventure in a beautiful home. But then reality hit, it was over, and you took some time off from dating or meeting anyone. And then when you finally mustered the courage to begin the search again, you started looking for the same kind of chemistry by default, and when you didn’t find it, you started comparing everyone to your previous person of interest because you wanted to feel that same level of intensity again…sound familiar?
In the process of doing so, you quickly discarded potential prospects without giving them enough of a chance. Or maybe you think you did, but you weren’t feeling anything early on, so you let them go. I know I’ve been on that boat before and perhaps even a bit tunnel-visioned when it came to believing who I thought was “right” for me. If you can identify with this story, you may also agree that it becomes quite difficult to figure out if we are on the correct path to building a truly fulfilling, long-lasting relationship that we truly want.
So how do we know if we are pursuing something that is right for us?
First, it is important to note feeling the chemistry is not the same as truly loving someone, even though we may be tricked into thinking so early on. Studies show that when we begin to feel attracted to someone, it releases certain “feel good” hormones such as dopamine, which bring about feelings of pleasure and contributes to the reward of that high-intensity sensation. It puts us in a state of infatuation or “limerence”, a term coined by a psychologist, Dorothy Tennov. According to her research, some examples of limerence could show up as the “idealization of the other person’s characteristics, a sense of euphoria in response to real or perceived signs of reciprocation, fantasizing about or searching obsessively for signs of reciprocation (‘reading into things’), being reminded of the person in everything around you, replaying in your mind every encounter with the other person in great detail, extreme shyness, stuttering, nervousness and confusion around the other. [1]
So, we basically start to fantasize about who they are instead of actually seeing them for who they are showing us to be. We believe that this thing we call “chemistry” is the real deal when in fact it is not. And this is why when sometimes the phase is over, someone falls “out of love” because it wasn’t based on a true emotional connection and we have failed to assess actual compatibility. True love and trust take time to build, and it requires seeing all aspects of the person and accepting them for their strengths and weaknesses.
So what do I do to stop myself from being swept away the next time I feel strong chemistry?
The first tip here is not to always go searching for intense chemistry as the sole guide as to whether someone is meant for you or not, especially if you notice that these episodes of infatuation that feel super passionate and intense lead to a pattern where it eventually fizzles out and amounts to nothing. Instead realize that it’s just your hormones speaking again, and you need to find out more about the compatibility of this person in your life for long term sustainability.
What do I mean by compatibility? This involves knowing your needs from a relationship and knowing your deep core values (the ones that make you you and are non-negotiable) and seeing how this aligns with the other person. What is your idea of a relationship and what is theirs? What does their vision of life look like 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the line and how does that look like next to yours?
Secondly, pay attention to how they treat you. If they treat you well, is it consistent? Is what they say and what they do aligned? How are they prioritizing you? And do you feel they are as invested as you are? When asking yourself these questions, let go of your story of “wanting something to work out” and see it as it is as objectively as you can. The key is to not get too attached to your plan of how things are “supposed to happen” according to the fantasy you may have already made up in your mind. Meet the relationship at the stage it is at.
And finally, if you truly want to discontinue a pattern that’s unwanted, try to break your attachment to what you believe “your type” is, which usually tends to have more superficial attributes. Be more open to giving a chance to someone that you may find attractive but doesn’t necessarily stir up all that crazy chemistry you are used to. It may feel very different in the beginning because it’s not what your previous conditioning expects, but this will allow you to establish a real, healthy connection with someone as the chemistry then slowly starts to build. The difference is that this time the relationship will be built on a stronger foundation and will have the strength to last over time.
Final Words
From personal experience I have learned that the intense romance we have been programmed by society and media to idealize is not really how it always works, nor does it mean that the relationship was meant to be. As life has shown me in the past, it is possible to grow fond of someone you were not initially super attracted to in the beginning. The feelings can start to come over time, but requires consistency, patience and being open to what you are not typically used to. Nothing is wrong with feeling powerful chemistry early on, but just don’t let that be the absolute indicator of whether someone is right for you or not. If this is something you feel challenged with, want accountability, and are feeling unaligned with yourself, I invite you to take on my 1:1 coaching program, but first book a complimentary call here to see if this is the right fit for you.
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Preeti Mistry, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Preeti Mistry is a Jay Shetty Certified Coach who focuses on single, young professionals and entrepreneurs who want to be in a healthy, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Through her 1:1 coaching service, she helps them uncover and overcome their hidden inner resistance to finding love so that they feel empowered to put their best self forward and can dare to create the love life they desire. Her chosen niche as a relationship mindset transformation coach was inspired by her own struggles in this area and by noticing that this was a common problem that plagued many she knew as well. After her own transformational journey of overcoming limiting beliefs and aligning better with her true authentic self, Preeti is on a mission to help and empower those that truly want to be in a relationship break out of a rut, and unleash their best self in love. Preeti has had the opportunity and privilege of participating on a panel hosted by the American India Foundation SF as a relationship mindset transformation coach with the crew of the Netflix series Indian Matchmaking. She has also appeared as a guest on various podcasts talking about topics related to mindset, dating, relationships, spirituality and manifestation. In addition, she is the founder of the Relationship Mindset club on Clubhouse which offers tremendous value and is continuing to grow. Preeti is also a general dentist, and loves to paint, travel, dance, and spend time in nature. Preeti’s purpose and vision is to help create a world where we focus more on our possibilities instead of our impossibilities so that we are more in tune with creating a life that is aligned with our deepest desires and can experience the joy and fulfillment we are meant to in this life.
Reference:
David Sack, “Limerence and the Biochemical Roots of Love Addiction,” HuffPost, June 6, 2012, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/limerence_b_1627089.
