Written by: Izabela Puchala, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The last couple of years were tough on a lot of us. Cooped up in our apartments, working from home, switching between screens, and stripped of our everyday social interactions and entertainment options, we were forced to spend more time with the person who was always there – ourselves. But how much do we really know about them? Do we like them? It was time to look into the mirror and examine: "Who am I without all of that? Why this lifestyle? What do I really want?" There was often a sense of awakening and an impulse to change jobs, homes, relationships, etc. As well as a feeling of regret about the past with a nagging question: "What have I been tolerating?"
Vulnerability is courage
Life feels pretty unsettling when existential questions pop up. Some of us even experience the "dark night" of the soul. We're shedding our old identity, but there is no new skin to put on yet. It's a vulnerable place requiring courage and compassion to stay in and explore. The good news is that if we spend enough time here, we will get in touch with our true needs lurking in the depths of our being. The beauty of the void is that it can be very fertile ground if we allow it. How do we make the most of it without getting swallowed up, though?
In this article, I share two exercises guiding you to expand your self-knowledge and find your blind spot. Research suggests increased self-awareness leads to more confidence, creativity, stronger relationships, and better decision-making. Who wouldn't want that in their life?
Self-witnessing
The first step on our self-discovery journey is to replace compulsive working, going out, shopping, and watching Netflix with pausing to create space between activities. Without that spaciousness, we continue operating on autopilot and use activities as a way to escape anxiety, sadness, or other uncomfortable feelings. Often, not even aware that we engage in self-rejection by suppressing our emotions.
Exercise: Hit pause on doing
The practice of self-witnessing is a great way to get to know ourselves with all of our emotions, thoughts, and sensations. A couple of times a day, hit an imaginary "pause" button on anything you do, and ask yourself these questions:
What am I aware of right now?
What am I experiencing in my body right now?
What do I say to myself about this experience?
Creating space between taking action empowers us to accept all parts of ourselves, including the less desirable qualities, instead of projecting them onto others. For example, through pressing pause in the middle of a heated meeting, I might notice tension in my chest and discover that I still carry the feeling of hurt from an earlier interaction with my partner. This insight helps me realize that our team meeting isn't going well, not because Kim has been asking difficult questions but because of my defensiveness in answering them. Now, I can consciously choose my response rather than feeling triggered by Kim or hijacked by the feeling of frustration. This powerful self-regulation practice has plugged me into the wisdom of my three intelligence centers: 1) body and emotions, 2) mind and logic, and 3) environmental awareness and impact. Do you know yourself at the level of all three intelligence centers?
Three dimensions of self-knowledge
I sat in many sessions with super-intelligent clients wanting to talk about and figure things out at a cognitive level rather than feel them. It's understandable – this feels safer than exploring our emotions. Drowning in words and intellectual debates, I realized no shift was happening for these clients. Even though they could explain and rationalize everything, they still were stuck. As I paid attention to my body, I noticed all the energy in my head, and my clients also seemed disconnected from their bodily experiences. Sometimes, they looked like talking heads on sticks. At that moment, I realized I became complacent in self-rejecting their embodied self by believing that making sense of their life circumstances was key to getting to know themselves. Are you often thinking instead of feeling? You might be neglecting one of the zones of your awareness.
Exercise: Dominant Awareness Zone
Gestalt therapy says we all have three zones of awareness, but one of them dominates our life. Think about them as three different ways you experience life, or more specifically, three different ways you experience yourself in life.
What zone do you live in the most?
The Outer Zone - Are you someone very attuned to the environment and your impact on it, often using words like "I see," "I hear"? Perhaps, you prioritize others' opinions and ignore your own judgment about a situation. Maybe the suppression is so strong that you're haunted by unexplainable pains, rumination, or night terrors.
The Middle Zone - Are you someone like me who lives in a world of imagining, planning, and often using words like "I think"? Getting so caught up in my thoughts, I would often stumble, not noticing holes in the pavement or didn't see people saying hi to me on the street, coming across as aloof and rude; not precisely my desired impact on others.
The Inner Zone - Are you someone acutely aware of your visceral sensations and muscular tensions, using words like "I feel"? Perhaps, you use your feelings as the ultimate source of truth, disregarding external data points and feedback from others. Maybe you're so consumed by sensations that it leads to hypochondria.
Even though we have a dominant awareness zone, they are all equally important. To experience the depth and aliveness of our being, we need to be able to shift between the three awareness dimensions. You can use this formula to practice: "As I... (see, hear, smell, touch, taste), I feel... (feeling), and I realize that...(meaning-making)". For example, "As I see my partner walking towards me on the street with a big smile (outer zone), I feel warmth in my chest (inner zone), and I realize I still love him after over 20 years together (middle zone)."
Conclusions
To get to know ourselves, we frequently need to press pause on life to create space for self-witnessing. When diving into the void, we'll find three zones of awareness. Integrating them with courage and compassion is key to experiencing the depth and aliveness of our being. The blind spot, for a lot of us, is the inner zone with feelings and sensations. Therefore, in coaching my clients, we attend to their muscular systems, where personal and social values are embedded. Body wisdom always adds a meaningful perspective to questions like "How do I resist love/life? How do I position against change? How do I cling to ideas that no longer serve me as a leader/partner?"
"If you're an alive body, no one can tell you how to experience the world. And no one can tell you what the truth is, because you experience it for yourself." –Stanley Keleman
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With gratitude, Izabela
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Izabela Puchala, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Izabela Puchala is an expert in organisational and self-awareness, helping teams and individuals increase their effectiveness through a deeper understanding of who they are. For the last 15 years, she's been a trusted business advisor at some of the biggest media companies and high-growth start-ups worldwide. Her expertise is in providing strategic consulting at an executive level across organisational design, professional development, leadership impact, team dynamics and mental health. As a Certified Enneagram Coach, she also works with individuals to help them recognise patterns holding them back and create meaningful goals towards growth into their best selves. Izabela's background in Gestalt Psychotherapeutic Counselling and an MSc in economics give her a unique advantage to understand business and intrapersonal challenges. Outside of work, she's provided psychological support to underprivileged communities in the realms of inter-cultural dynamics, relationship difficulties, anxiety issues, anger management, depression, anxiety and PTSD.
