Sabine is a pioneering force in grief support and holistic healing. As a Registered Nutritionist and Yoga Therapist, she combines ancient wisdom with modern science to help the bereaved cope better with grief by establishing a healthy daily routine and addressing the wide range of ‘grief’ symptoms early on to restore balance in body and mind.
The science of habit formation has evolved dramatically over the past decade. Books like Atomic Habits by James Clear and Tiny Habits by B.J. Fogg have revolutionised our understanding of behavioural change, emphasising the power of small steps and environmental design. These methods work well when life feels stable enough to plan and act with intention.
Yet, for those navigating grief, even the best-designed strategies can feel overwhelming. Understanding why changing habits becomes particularly challenging when we're grieving is crucial to finding a compassionate way forward.
The challenge of change in grief
When we’re processing the sheer emotional overload of grief, structured approaches to habit change often feel impossible. Modern habit-change literature emphasises the importance of consistent daily actions and routines, but in the midst of grief, our brain’s focus is elsewhere. Grief shakes us to our core, draining the energy and motivation needed to form helpful habits and emotional stress only further clouds our decision-making.
Willpower and motivation are also unreliable as drivers of change. As habit researcher B.J. Fogg explains, motivation naturally fluctuates, and this becomes even more pronounced in grief when dopamine - the neurotransmitter linked to motivation usually drops to an all-time low. In fact, many grievers unknowingly seek out dopamine boosts through addictive behaviours like overeating on comfort food, overexercising, or binge-watching TV. These habits, once established, can be difficult to break.
The many layers of loss in grief
In addition to the emotional overload of grief, we also face the complex layer of secondary losses that profoundly affect our ability to change, a factor Fogg identifies as key to sustainable habit formation in his well-known book.
When we lose someone we love, we lose more than their physical presence; we lose parts of ourselves, our routines, our purpose, and even our very sense of self.
The loss of a partner, for example, isn’t just about missing them; it can mean waking up to an empty bed, cooking meals for only one, or navigating decisions alone that were once shared. These changes can create a profound sense of disorientation as the familiar structures that once shaped our daily lives seem to vanish overnight. Bereaved partners often find themselves adrift, without a solid foundation to hold onto. This complete upheaval can make it even harder to establish new routines or make lasting changes, as there is no longer a firm framework to build from.
How grief reshapes our identity
The loss of identity is particularly challenging when it comes to habit formation. In Atomic Habits, James Clear highlights the importance of identity in behavioural change, showing how powerful it is to align habits with the person we wish to become. However, grief forces us to question who we are without the person or role we've lost. As a result, habits that once felt effortless can suddenly feel foreign or even impossible to sustain simply because we are no longer the same person who created them.
Instead, new habits often emerge that align more closely with our newfound identity as a "griever." We might find ourselves thinking, "I am a widow. I am grieving. I should feel sad". This internal narrative consequently shapes our behaviour, often limiting our ability to embrace moments of lightness or positivity. Simple acts like laughing at a joke or enjoying a meal can trigger guilt as if experiencing joy somehow betrays our loved one's memory.
Moreover, grief doesn't exist in a vacuum. Friends, family, and society can unintentionally impose expectations on how we should grieve, reinforcing such limiting narratives. The fear of judgment can make it particularly difficult to step outside this prescribed role of "griever" and adopt new habits that don't align with these expectations.
Additional emotional forces at play
As if the complexity of grief were not enough to deal with, grief also tends to stir up deeply rooted negative beliefs about ourselves that we may not even realise we have. These can include thoughts like "I don't deserve care" or "I'm not strong enough for this." Such beliefs, often shaped in childhood, can subconsciously sabotage our efforts to create positive, lasting change.
When we then set ourselves up with high expectations that are too rigid, like "I'll go to bed by 10 pm every day," we're bound to feel like a failure when we inevitably slip up. This can reinforce our subconscious beliefs that we're not capable, deserving, or good enough.
Given these deep emotional forces at play, it’s clear that, in order to achieve meaningful change in grief, we need an approach that acknowledges and works with this complex emotional landscape - one that nurtures change from within.
Enter Sankalpa: Ancient wisdom for modern-day grief
This is where Sankalpa, an ancient yogic practice of setting heartfelt intentions, can provide an additional layer of support during grief. While modern habit-formation strategies offer valuable foundations for change, Sankalpa works on a deeper level, helping us navigate the profound emotional barriers and identity shifts that can be holding us back.
At its core, Sankalpa is about consciously rewriting our story and nurturing self-compassion. When grief disrupts our narrative, leaving us unsure of who we are or how to move forward, Sankalpa offers an internal anchor and ‘compass,’ gently guiding us forward.
Unlike traditional goal-setting with future outcomes ("I am going to exercise more"), Sankalpa invites us to state intentions in the present tense as if they are already true. This shift gradually rewires our neural pathways, allowing change to feel more natural and aligned with our deeper values and needs.
This approach creates space for change to unfold at our own pace, helping us avoid self-criticism when we don't meet our expectations. Instead of feeling like a ‘failure,’ we simply return to our intention, slowly and gently reshaping our patterns, one day at a time. This permission to be imperfect in our practice can be especially powerful when we’re grieving.
How to implement Sankalpa in practice
1. Acknowledge where you are
Grief often stirs feelings of failure or inadequacy. Start by recognising that you're in a unique emotional space where self-compassion matters more than discipline.
2. Create a heart-centred intention
Choose an intention (Sankalpa) that feels deeply nurturing and aligned with your current emotional needs and desires. Phrase it in the present tense as if you are already living it. For example:
Your desire: Overcoming stress and anxiety
Sankalpa example: “I am calm, centred, and grounded, no matter what life brings.”
Your desire: Eating better
Sankalpa example: “I lovingly nourish my body because I deserve to feel energetic and joyful again.”
Your desire: Rebuilding life after loss
Sankalpa example: "I am open to moments of peace and connection, even as I grieve.”
3. Revisit your Sankalpa daily
Whether through journaling, meditation or simply taking a few moments of stillness, reconnect with your Sankalpa each day. Let it feel true for you, even if only for a brief moment.
4. Practice with compassion
Remember that Sankalpa is a practice, not a performance. If you forget or feel disconnected from it, simply return to it gently, without judgment. Each time you remember your intention, you strengthen your capacity for change.
Summary
When grief reshapes our world, finding ways forward can feel overwhelming. While modern habit-change strategies provide valuable foundations for transformation, adding the practice of Sankalpa offers additional support to address the hidden challenges that can make change feel not just difficult but, at times, impossible.
By thoughtfully blending modern insights with this ancient wisdom, we honour both our loss and our capacity for renewal. Sankalpa helps us recognise and soften deep-seated barriers, allowing us to move forward with greater self-compassion. It enables us to rewrite our story in a way that nurtures sustainable new habits gently, at our own pace, while respecting the profound transformation we are experiencing.
Taking the next step
If this compassionate approach to nurturing new habits resonates with you, my 52-week email series embodies these same principles. Each week brings a thoughtfully crafted suggestion for a small but meaningful habit shift, always honouring where we are in our grief journey and offering the freedom to explore only what feels right at the moment.
Find out more here.
Sabine Horner, Grief Nutritionist, Ayurvedic & Yoga Therapist
After losing her partner to leukaemia, Sabine turned her grief into a mission of hope. As a Registered Nutritionist and Yoga Therapist, she uncovered the hidden link between bereavement and gut health, revealing how profound loss impacts the entire body, not just the mind. Now, Sabine is transforming grief support by harnessing the power of food and breath. Her unique blend of ancient wisdom and modern science equips the bereaved with practical tools to navigate grief with greater resilience, empowering them to understand their innate strengths and address grief-related imbalances. Through speaking events, podcasts, and writings, she helps people proactively safeguard their health after profound loss. Sabine firmly believes in the body's healing power and that, while pain may be inevitable, suffering doesn't have to be.
