Written by: Lisa Beth Lent, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most of us love our families, our friends and communities, but let’s be real here, one thing safe to say is true for most of us, many of us have a hard time with at least a few in the bunch.
Oftentimes, sharing holiday time with others requires us to bite our tongues and take that “higher road” to keep the peace in order to not have a conflict in the midst of the merriment. Keeping our cool and composure is no small feat. It takes presence and tapping into our reserves of restraint. Then there’s that small voice inside that challenges that, and can’t resist the call to speak our minds and get into it with people, causing a blow-out of sorts for all to witness. Some people even seem to instigate arguments intentionally (perhaps for the sake of entertainment), some folks simply enjoy a good debate, while others sadly seem to feed off of causing a negatively charged scene.
For certain, these are fascinating times when it comes to having conversations with others at celebratory gatherings. Opinions given are often met with bold disagreement and we never know when someone will take issue with something we say casually. So how can we prevent our own heavy emotions from surfacing without feeling stifled and suppressed?
The difference between these two small words is miles apart. They are the difference between calm and chaos.
Response: A conscious choice to contain and consciously internalize our experience, intending to use it to gain awareness about ourselves. We take responsibility for our own personal internal experiences and behavior towards others.
Reaction: Unconscious behavior that is directed outwards into the world in an attempt to defend ourselves or attack another.
The way to respond lies in learning to become more observant of our own inner workings and how they are affected by others’ behavior. Here’s how to prepare ourselves with more centeredness as we find ourselves entering into challenging social gatherings.
Productively reflect before the event.
Instead of dreading an occasion, consider your expectations of others. Take a few minutes to anticipate the atmosphere you’ll be in, maybe jot down the thoughts and voice the challenges to yourself. Be realistic in accessing other people’s perspectives, values, and personality. So much emotional turmoil stems from wanting others to be different than they are; the way we wish them to be. Detach from how you think other’s “should be.” Not everyone is meant to enjoy everyone else’s company, as much as so many of us would prefer to. Instead, some people are meant to teach us to learn acceptance of those holding very different values than our own. Having humility, mercy, and perspective before entering into complicated group dynamics can save yourself a lot of frustration and disappointment. Also remember that people often over-compensate for their insecurities by having excessive bravado or being on the louder side, compassion actually can help us be more tolerant of the more outspoken folks that can dominate a room.
Consider these questions about effective and “psychologically safe” communication to decide whether to engage on an emotionally charged topic and when to disengage if the conversation starts to feel overwhelming:
Is this person receptive and respectful to your input? Are you receptive and respectful of theirs?
Is this person interesting in understanding your point of view? Are you interested in understanding theirs?
Consider the cost of broaching the issue. Is it worth it? Or is it better to agree to disagree and live and let live?
Here are some other tips to prepare for a joyous and centered experience:
Visualize imagine yourself staying calm at the gathering. Sometimes it’s perfectly acceptable to be on the less exciting end of the spectrum at a party. If you intend on having a nice quiet evening and staying in the role of the observer more, you may find the atmosphere more entertaining in a positive way.
Notice what comes up. The discomfort in your mind and your body does for good reason, it’s simply a message for you to become aware of. Do not try to deny it or resist it, merely acknowledge discomfort in your own mind when it arises.
Be honest with how you feel first, then seek to understand intent. Ask questions instead of making accusations. You might ask “what do you mean?” or “why do you say that?”
If it becomes too heated for you, you can declare ending the conversation right there. Conversations are not required to play out. They can end wherever we want them to. We can always pick them up again at a later date, more discreetly.
Bookmark it for later. Take note of it, literally. Write it down on a note of paper or on your cell phone notes app, in a private space (bathroom break, anyone?) and revisit the conversation in PRIVATE, just between the two of you, if at all. If that person isn’t someone to resolve anything with, speak to someone about the interaction, or write it out, to release the tension and give yourself a healthy outlet.
In hindsight, learn more about yourself if there was a reactive situation: Instead of blaming the other for triggering a feeling you had, observe the triggering words said and why it was upsetting and unsettling? What might it remind you of in your past experience? What beliefs came up around that other person’s words and intent? Asking ourselves these questions can help us understand our own personal triggers and can help us resolve them.
To train yourself to become less reactive and more responsive, develop a stillness practice. Studies show that the simple act of staring at a candle while we observe our body’s slight movements and our breath can train us to become less reactive in our daily lives, not only on special occasions. For those who can’t think of sitting still, sitting and merely observing our bodies as they are restless is a practice in developing acceptance and honoring our response to this interesting exercise of doing absolutely nothing. It’s strange to imagine that a practice in no-action helps to lessen re-action, but that’s the outcome!
Compassion is key in these times. To each other and especially ourselves. Learning to observe our reactions is the best place to begin to take more responsibility in how we relate with others in challenging situations. Growing more conscious awareness gives us all permission to be ourselves, as biased and opinionated as we all are. Hopefully, we can learn from one another in the process.
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Lisa Beth Lent, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lisa Beth Lent is a body-alignment educator and trainer, working with courageous individuals and progressive corporations in calm confidence cultivation, achieving authentic inner-alignment of purpose and fulfilment. She leads with her knowledge of anti-inflammatory nutrition and posture awareness, training in the "abundance mindset" and how it ties into growing health and enjoying profound wellness. By encouraging courage and self-trust, deep diving into personal accountability in her private coaching and group engagements, Lisa Beth bridges sensible embodiment to practical empowerment. Align the body, align the life.
References:
Michael Brown, The Presence Process. New York, NY: Beaufort Books & Namaste Publishing.
Timothy R. Clark, The 4 Stages of Psychological Safety. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
