Written by: Ajani Inez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a tarot reader, one of my most popular topics of conversation revolves around relationships. I receive a lot of questions from clients that are centered around their inability to grasp the awareness of why they continue to seek and attract partners that are ultimately not a good fit for them. This also applies to their ineptitude to show up as a great partner for their significant other.
More times than not, I can trace their "not so healthy" partner choices and poor behavioral patterns within their relationships back to their parents. If you're wondering what your parents have to do with your romantic relationships, then I would like to propose a developmental psychology concept known as the attachment theory with an additional focus on mother wounds and father wounds.
What is the Attachment Theory
The attachment theory suggests that humans are born with an innate desire for close emotional bonds with their caregivers. This attachment system serves to protect us as vulnerable individuals and additionally as an emotional shield for traumatic events. During the first delicate years of infancy through the end of our childhood, it is up to our parents to leave a lasting, loving and nurturing impression that aids in our ability to develop healthy social and emotional regulation skills, in this case specifically with those we share a deep and enduring bond with. Failed attempts at a secure attachment with our parents in these prominent years lead to the incapacity to form healthy relationships with our romantic partners in our adult years.
Let's put this in perspective.
Say you grew up in a household where you experienced the neglect of emotionally hungry parents that were hostile, destructive, ignorant, overly or underly restrictive, and or engaged in addictive patterns ‒ these psychodynamics can show up as threats of abandonment, intrusiveness, harsh moral codes, inconsistency, verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional unavailability and or unreliability ‒ after years of maltreatment, you become subconsciously programed to accept and project these same qualities. Without awareness and proper healing, these can be the reasons you continue to engage in relationships with unavailable people and continue to attract unstable, unreliable, or abusive partners.
The Parental Wound.
While the attachment theory is a great way to understand the bonds we typically seek because of an insecure attachment with our parents, looking into what is known as the parental wound is a great way to expand your awareness of how your parents may have individually impacted the ways in which you may show up and express yourself in said relationships.
The parental wound speaks about generational, cultural trauma and dysfunctional coping mechanisms both your parents experienced that are inherited by you.
If you tend to feel unworthy of receiving love, struggle with codependency, setting boundaries, speaking your truth, allowing others to be emotionally dependent on you, and are insecure with your physical appearance, you may have experienced an absent mother or a mother that didn't attend to your emotional needs.
If you tend to struggle with a victim mindset, are afraid to be vulnerable, engage in dominating behaviors, people please, and have trust issues, you may have experienced an absent father or a father that didn't attend to your emotional needs.
Understand This…
If this article resonated with you, that means you have lived the effects or results of the precarious relationships your parents experienced with their parents. The best way to go about healing this familial aspect is to become aware of your patterns, forgive and try to resolve any issues you may have with your parents or caregivers, and begin the process of re-parenting your inner child by supplying yourself with all the love and nurturing you may not have received as a child. This puts you right on track to attracting the best partner and being the best partner for your person.
Ajani Inez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ajani Inez is a multidisciplinary healer and guide teaching individuals how to heal from the lasting effects of trauma. During prominent years of healing from adverse primal wounding, she obtained tools, knowledge, and wisdom that have assisted her in moving past her difficult upbringing. She sees the critical value in sharing what she has learned and enjoys providing fact-based knowledge and intuitive wisdom on an array of multidimensional wellness aspects, encouraging individuals to recognize and or restore healthy physical, mental, emotional, social, intellectual, and spiritual factors within themselves.
