Written by: Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever noticed that when you have a great conversation with family or friends in the evening, you sleep better that night? Communication creates connection, and connection reduces anxiety. Studies have shown a link between personal interactions and sleep, indicating that our mental and physical health are interconnected.
We are constantly communicating. Even when we say nothing, we are communicating something. Communication encompasses our tone of voice, the words we use, our intention, our body language, our eye contact, our lack of words and our indifference. You may care very much about what your partner is saying and may even be listening; yet, if you keep your attention is on your phone while they are talking, you tell your partner that you don't care.
How we communicate impacts another person's mental health. Take a moment and think about what you might unconsciously be communicating at home and work. Think about when you have been on the receiving end of someone else's unconscious communication. How did it make you feel?
Improving Your Conversation Skills
One way to improve communication at home (and at work) is to improve your conversation skills. I recently had a client tell me they don't tell their partner much about themselves because their partner rarely asks them questions. Simply asking someone how their day is going, what they did, and what they experienced helps to improve communication and strengthen a relationship.
A conversation is like a good tennis match, except without scoring points. Communication should never be about winning or getting the last word in; for more information on improving conversation skills, check out the wiki How article titled How to Have a Great Conversation.
A Balanced Conversation Helps to Build a Balanced Relationship
You might think conversation skills for adults are given. The reality is that many people didn't learn conversation skills growing up. You might even believe you have excellent conversation skills, but take a moment and ask yourself if the conversation is balanced. I have been to many functions where one person dominates the conversation. They may even be interesting and amusing, but they need better conversation skills if they aren't asking other people questions and not offering everyone equal time to contribute.
Do You Want to Engage?
Think about essential communication in relationships with your partner, parents, in-laws, minor children, and adult children. What are you telling people in your family when you communicate with them? Are you talking at them or talking with them? Is your tone of voice welcoming or distracted? Do you make engaging eye contact, or are your eyes focused on the TV or phone?
If you prefer to avoid having conversations and would like it if people didn't engage with you so that you can keep watching TV or scroll on your phone, then ask yourself why you don't want to connect with the people closest to you. Figuring out why you don't want to engage and addressing that root issue is essential to improving your mental health.
It's Not Me; It's Them
I used to say I didn't need therapy, and nothing was wrong with me. I would think (and sometimes say aloud), "if only my mom went to therapy, my life would be perfect, and all of my problems would disappear."
It's true; if other people around you get help and their communication skills improve, your life will be easier. The problem with waiting for other people to change is that they might not. You can't control what other people do. What you can control is what you do.
By improving your communication skills, you will have better outcomes with the people around you, even if they have stayed the same. And this will improve your mental health. As you improve your communication, there is an excellent chance that the people around you will improve. You are teaching them (communicating through your tone, words, and body language) how to communicate positively and effectively.
So, How Do You Feel?
At the start of this article, I asked you to:
·think about what you might unconsciously be communicating at home and work, and
how you feel when you are on the receiving end of someone else's unconscious communication.
In an ideal world, we are all enlightened and know that someone else's behaviour isn't about us. If your partner is on their phone all the time and not making eye contact, you don't make that mean:
they don't like me,
they don't respect me.
they don't care about me, or
they think I am boring.
Instead, in this ideal world, you would recognize that another person's behaviour is about them and what they are experiencing, thinking and feeling. The old saying: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me, will be true. It is true because you are not applying a hurtful meaning to the words and behaviours of that person. You don't make their behaviour about you. Instead, you make it about them.
Since we don't live in an ideal world, it is essential to take responsibility for how we communicate to reduce mental stress on the people around us.
Ultimately, when we are more conscious of what we are communicating to others and less sensitive to what they are communicating to us, our relationships improve, we feel more connected, and our overall mental health improves.
Disclaimer: if someone is engaging with you harshly or dismissively, this indicates that you need to improve boundaries with that person. Just because you are no longer sensitive to and reactive to another person's behaviour doesn't mean you let that behaviour go unaddressed.
And remember, you have two ears and one mouth. Try to listen twice as much as you talk.
Rebecca Helps, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Rebecca Helps grew up thinking she was fundamentally flawed and believed people didn't like or want her around. This left her alone, exhausted, anxious, depressed and afraid. Rebecca's anxieties and fears impacted both her personal and professional life. She knew she needed to do something to get her life back on track. Rebecca took action, signing up for a personal growth course, which was also the start of a 3-year counsellor training program.
As a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor, Rebecca uses her counselling skills to help individuals and organizations heal, grow, and be the best version of themselves. Rebecca believes that because we spend most of our day at work, it is essential to foster mental health by bringing psychotherapy directly into our places of work.
