Written by: Natasha Zo, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A common misconception about relationship turmoil is that lack of sex is the root cause of many issues within a relationship or marriage. This isn’t the case. But before we dive into deconstructing this misconception, know that you are not alone. Most relationships go through a period of miscommunication, which leads to being avoidant around intimacy. You are not alone in your struggles.
Juliette Karaman – van Schaardenburgis a Coach, Teacher, Mentor, and Writer on healing, trauma, relationships, sex, and intimacy. She specializes in the reinvention of the most intimate relationship in life… The one you have with yourself. She helps highly impactful women who despite being successful in their businesses feel trapped in their ‘perfect’ lives rediscover who they are outside of being an entrepreneur, a wife, and a mother and experience all the pleasures and possibilities of life again. She works with many couples who are working on improving their relationship as far as physical intimacy goes. We can learn a lot about healing our sex lives and relationships from her.
It’s Not Lack Of Sex
Juliette works with many couples who focus too much on lack of physical intimacy as the root cause of their issues. But it’s never only about that. When couples in long-term marriages go to her, it is often a last resort effort. They have tried many different things to make it work. They love each other, but they can’t shake the feeling that they are drifting apart.
Often, they stopped communicating in a way that each partner understands, leaving each of them feeling misunderstood or ignored—not a good foundation to build any type of exploration on. Add a bit of trauma to that, and no wonder one or both partners shut down.
A lapse in physical intimacy is always about something more than just the fact that they aren’t having enough sex.
It’s Wrong To Feel Pleasure
Pleasure is typically associated with sex. We are so indoctrinated by society, education, upbringing, and religion that we often feel that pleasure is sinful or wrong. Platforms like FB and Instagram ban the word pleasure and businesses that have anything to do overtly with pleasure.
For us, Pleasure is the pureness of being with whatever is coming up at that moment. Finding the curiosity to be with the sensations, emotions, and thoughts that come up. How can we be more present to all of these arising within us?
To heal this, you can begin to embrace pleasure in many different forms. Start viewing pleasure as something good, not sinful or wrong.
Take A Pause From Sex
Don’t underestimate the value of 20-30 minutes a week of deep connection and communication tools—without sex. Massive change can occur. Juliette has seen this work for many couples. Take it from a couple on the brink of divorce to being completely in love again 3 months later.
Prioritizing non-sexual connections can bring a couple closer and make space for a more intimate connection later on. Trying to force sex to solve relationship issues typically doesn’t work, instead of taking a step back to focus on deep connection can foster better communication and naturally increase intimate connection.
Another tip to consider is to stop looking outside yourself for the change you desire. Working on yourself can and will change your relationship for the better. The first step to a healthier, more satisfying, pleasure-filled relationship is to look internally first. So often, we look to our partners to make the change we desire, but we can only control ourselves. For radical change to occur in a relationship it often only takes one partner to take the first step.
If you are committed to improving your relationship—take the first step. You might be pleasantly surprised to see your partner follow suit. Start to explore to find out what YOUR way into pleasure is, only then will you be able to communicate it.
Healing A Long-Term Relationship
Oftentimes, we are focused on getting our partners to change that we forget to look at ourselves. In reality, we don’t even need both partners to change to improve the relationship.
Obviously, in a relationship, it would be ideal if both partners are up to changing their ways, but truthfully we only need one person to take the lead and change their behavior for there to be a massive change in the relationship. The change from one partner is often enough to create a ripple effect. Their positive change leaks out to family and those near.
If you are struggling to change your relationship, start by doing what you can to positively change your behavior. You might be surprised to find that’s all that it takes to get your partner to follow suit.
What would you say the first step to having more sex in a long-term marriage is?
Communication and nonsexual intimate time. Remembering what it is that you loved about each other – the brain can’t be in 2 states at the same time and being in a state of gratitude creates new neural pathways. Many couples try to face the situation head-on and go straight into having more sex. But they forget that the root cause of the issue is pretty much never just about the sex. Years of little things have built up and cause resentment, which creates disconnection. You both may have completely different pathways into pleasure, so in fact, are speaking a different pleasure language. By starting to communicate how you would like to be touched, what are things you would like to try, you are setting yourselves up for success when you do have sex. Consciously abstaining from sex also creates yearning, which makes having sex after the period of abstinence so much hotter.
Learning to communicate with your partner has a profound effect on relationship satisfaction and the amount of sex a couple has. If you want to start having more sex in your marriage, you have to be intimate in other ways. It creates the foundation for more physical types of intimacy to occur organically.
As mentioned before, Juliette has seen massive change occur from implementing 20-30 minutes a week of deep connection and communication tools—without penetrative sex. Take it from the couple who was nearly about to file for divorce when 3 months later, they were completely full of love and happier than ever. Don’t underestimate the impact that nonsexual time can have on your sex life.
If you want to improve your sex life, you have to work on your nonphysical relationship first.
Juliette has helped many couples heal their intimate relationships, and improve their sex lives through her coaching programs.
If you are interested in learning more about Juliette, you can join her community on Instagram. Or pop over to her website to learn more about her.
Natasha Zo, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Natasha Zo is a former journalist from Siberia turned international media relations specialist. She is a founder of Cosa Famosa media – a boutique PR agency on a mission to amplify messages of conscious leaders, health, and wellness entrepreneurs through earned media. Known for her connector skills, she guided a number of authors to Amazon bestseller status, booked national TV, top-tier media, and over 400 podcast interviews.
