Written by: Ailsa Keppie, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
This quote, “Hate is quite a bond” comes from Katherine Woodward Thomas’ work on Conscious Uncoupling. The idea that love turns to hate and hate ties us closer together than anything else is not a new concept. Look at the old stories and fairy tales and you will see many examples of this.
The modern-day fairy tale iconic movie ‘Princess Bride’ brings this revenge idea to a whole new level with the saying “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die”. His realization that giving this mission up would perhaps be devastating to his sense of self was encapsulated with the quote, “I've been in the revenge business for so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.”
Literature is littered with examples of protagonists that spend a lifetime ‘hating’ the hero or heroine of the story. Take Snow White as an example. The wicked step-mother seems to spend most of her waking hours plotting new ways to get rid of Snow White. Instead of enjoying her place in the palace, she is trapped in the misery of growing older and feeling outshone by the younger and beautiful Snow White.
These stories become so well known because they are relevant to our experience as humans.
Can you relate?
Have you ever loved someone and been spurned, or become aware that you were badly treated and taken that feeling of victimhood into a full on hate campaign? I think we all do this to a certain extent. Ideally we ‘let it go’ as quickly as possible and move on to the healing and transforming phase of self growth and new relationships.
But there are those times when we just can’t seem to ‘let things go’ and we continue to obsess about our Ex or blame our parents ad infinitum. Does this bond of hatred serve any kind of purpose? Why do we do this?
If we take the view that hate, as a feeling, is actually linked to love, then perhaps we have a way to unravel this. We can extricate ourselves from a lifetime of being shackled to the exact person or relationship that we want to leave behind more than anything else.
I know for myself there were a few aspects of this Hate-bond that I had to face.
I had given my power to this person and not taken it back as the relationship ended, therefore my whole raison d’être was based on them being with me or loving me. I needed to take back the responsibility to love myself first and foremost
I had unspoken agreements with this person that I had unwittingly expected they would understand and heed. When they did not ‘respect’ these agreements, I felt betrayed and even unworthy. I had to get really clear about what I had expected from this person and the relationship with them.
I felt like the end of the relationship was a personal failure and I was ashamed to admit that I was not perfect. I had to come to terms with the fact that I am perfectly imperfect and love myself anyway. The shame I felt was something I could choose to give up. It was surprising to find that most people actually found me more kind and approachable after I admitted and owned my mistakes and shortcomings.
I had to forgive myself for the time I spent with this person and honour that my life lessons were profound and that I wouldn’t be in the place I am today without this experience.
Finally, I actually let go of my attachment to identifying as the person I was in a relationship. I gave myself permission to ‘die and be reborn’ and so was finally free of the hate-bond.
Within our modern-day society, learning to let go of our ‘hate bonds’ is a necessary learning in order for us to open up enough space for further relational explorations. Most of us do not commit to just one person, be it in love or hate. Our modern society expects us to leave old lovers and attachments behind and enter into new relationships both quickly and without ‘baggage’.
Taking the time to ‘let go’ becomes a personal mission we must become accomplished at enacting.
Many times, my clients come to me in my role of a relationship coach, with these threads of attachment still intact. Our work together begins with learning about ourselves and then bringing to light those things that keep us bonded to old pain. Learning to love without attachment leads to us learning to let go of hatred and the bondage of that.
Ailsa Keppie is a relationship coach and Somatic Sex Educator
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Ailsa Keppie, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ailsa is a trained intimacy Educator and Somatic Therapist and has been working in hands-on bodywork, somatic coaching, and healing for over a decade. Ailsa Keppie brings aspects from her background in circus arts, physical theatre, music, dance, myofascial release, bioenergetic processes, archetypes, and spirituality to her work with clients. She is a published author of her compelling memoir entitled "By the Light of the Crescent Moon," which describes her incredible journey into Islam and polygamy and how it lead to her awakening and reclamation of her own Eros and power. Ailsa works with individuals, couples, and groups both online and in-person at her retreat center, Our Celtic Hearth, in Nova Scotia, Canada, where she resides with her current life partner.
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