Written by: Paul A Cicchini, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Most people don’t like conflict. If you do, then that’s a long psychology-laden article for some other time. But the average person gets upset at conflict. It makes us uncomfortable, and we can carry the scars of conflict around with us for a long time. Some people may get so disturbed by it, that it impacts their sleep, mental well-being, and even physical health.
But conflict is necessary – for progress, democracy, even entertainment. As a writer, I can tell you that the best stories are chock full of conflict. Without it, the best movies and TV shows would be kinda, well, blah. Even my eight-year-old granddaughter, who loves to write stories with plot lines where everyone goes shopping and to ice-cream parties knows that conflict is inevitable.
If it’s inevitable, then it’s going to show up in the workplace as well. Conflict may be inescapable at our jobs, but the anger, anxiety, and sadness associated with it can be avoided if you know how to deal with it. As both a psychologist and a certified Affirmative Action Officer, I can offer some valid advice in that department, some of it from first-hand experience.
I did something stupid at a job one time. I drove pretty fast in the company parking lot. In my defense, I usually went to work so early and left so late that typically, I was the only one in the lot, so it’s usually not an issue, and nobody ever called me on my lead foot before. But this one time, I was right on time to work, which meant that there were lots of employees already in the lot, and I foolishly barreled right it, like I usually do. One co-worker, in particular, took exception to my Lewis Hamilton imitation and stormed up to me as I got out of my car and started screaming. I was confused for a good ten seconds as to what he was upset about, and I asked a lot of questions which only exacerbated the situation. He started yelling obscenities and insults at me. Having many years of experience de-escalating angry, foul-mouthed, emotionally-disabled students, I recognized that I needed to use some of those techniques, along with a quick apology to diffuse the situation. I pushed down the feeling that he was blowing the incident out of proportion (as well as the dueling feelings of anger and embarrassment), and admitted I was wrong. I promised to be more careful, etc.
Guess what? It didn’t work in the moment. He was so heated he wasn’t emotionally prepared to accept my response. It was clear from the way he stormed off and nearly tore the main door off its hinges that he was only focused on finding a target for his anger and for him to stop mid-tirade to listen to me would only be frustrating to him. As he disappeared into the building it was easy to see that this had the potential to fester into a workplace conflict, the kind that could potentially escalate into prolonged tension, side-taking, stomach aches, and even administrative involvement. As a former Affirmative Action Officer, this was new ground for me. I was the one that was usually the investigator of such conflicts, not the involved party.
Like my granddaughter’s stories, this one has a happy ending. Instead of labeling my co-worker as ‘just another lunk who needed anger management’ (and letting the whole workplace take sides on who was the bigger jerk) or laughing it off as a guy having a bad day, or even endlessly beating myself up for not being infallible, I persisted with my apology. I waited a day, let him cool off, and sent him an email. You may have read in my previous articles that my dad was my role model. He taught me that, “Sometimes ya gotta be the first one to make things better. Don’t think of it as eating Humble Pie. Think of it as being the bigger man.”
Angry Guy not only emailed me back to tell me he was past it already and not harboring it, but he also made a point of coming to my office and apologizing for his excessive anger. After that, things changed. Every day we would shake hands in the hallway and exchange a story. He even had the habit of calling me, “brother.”
So, is the point of my story that you have to be a ‘doormat’ and be the first to apologize every time there is an issue at work? Certainly not. In this one isolated case, it was the right thing to do, but it’s not always what the situation demands. It’s important to remember that conflict doesn’t just happen in the parking lot or the breakroom. It can occur during a campaign, product design, client pitch, or policy development. Here are some suggestions for effectively, ethically, and comfortably dealing with conflict at work, wherever it occurs:
DON’T get emotionally hijacked. I realize that’s one of my pet terms, but it is important to stay calm during conflict. Take a deep breath. Don’t allow your emotions to take control and you wind up saying (or worse, doing) something that you regret later.
DON’T be an ostrich. You can’t ignore the conflict or pretend that it’s not there. Address it. Meet it head-on, or it will only fester and blow up at a more inopportune time. Everyone knows the expression, “The 800-pound gorilla that’s in the room.” In other words, don’t tippy-toe around the issue. Recognize that it is there, make others acknowledge it, and deal with it sooner rather than later.
DON’T tolerate harassment, intimidation, or bullying. If you are the victim of it, or if you just witness it, point it out to the offender. If it doesn’t stop immediately, report it to Human Resources or your Affirmative Action Officer.
DO use all of your communication skills. That means not only making an iron-clad argument for your case, but to listen, really listen to the other side. Use empathy.
DO see it as an opportunity. Instead of always framing it in the negative, think of conflict as way of letting everyone be heard. Resolving conflict can lead to better results, better company policies, better bottom line, and better work satisfaction.
DO seek out a mediator if your reach an impasse. Sometimes, a neutral set of eyes and ears are what’s necessary to break the tie.
DO think about what your accountability is in the situation. Don’t think of it as one side or the other is 100% at fault. How much of it do you own?
Paul A Cicchini, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sir Paul Cicchini M.Ed., Ed.S., NCSP is a nationally certified school psychologist. He specializes in character education and is the only school psychologist on the East Coast to be certified in the new field of Social Emotional Learning (SEL)/Character Ed (Rutgers Univ. 2016). He is the owner of One Knight Publishing, LLC
Sir Paul aspires to be a well-rounded Renaissance man. His list of personal accomplishments includes cable television host (Cars Weekly Video Magazine-Philadelphia), AP credentialed sports journalist, humorist, adjunct professor, martial artist, fencer, semi-pro football player, high school football coach, collegiate football scout. His title of "Sir" comes from his rank of Knights Commander with the Templar Knights SMOTJ.
His second novel, YOUNG CYRANO, is the fictionalized account of the teenage life of Cyrano de Bergerac. It received a rating from the respected Readers’ Favorite website (click a link to read their five-star review). Paul’s most recent novel, THE ESSENTIALZ is about a team of teenage superheroes that undergo the same challenges as modern teens.
