Written by Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other.
There's a boy inside every man, a wild, untamed spark that longs for adventure. He chases dreams with the wind in his hair, but when the world asks him to grow, to become the man, the leader, the father, he hesitates. The Puer Aeternus, the eternal boy, is alive in many of us. He is the man who never wants to be tied down, who avoids responsibility like it’s a cage.
He seeks freedom but is blind to the deeper freedom that comes from responsibility, commitment, and standing firm in his own authority. How do you grow beyond him?
Not by squashing him.
Not with shame.
Not by stuffing him inside.
Instead, you learn how to integrate his strength and his wisdom.
This is a journey of evolution, of initiation, and it’s one every man must take. It’s challenging, especially in a world where most adults are adolescents wrapped in adult skin. In short, by fathering ourselves first, we can then father our children. By leading ourselves first, we can then lead others. And the world needs daring, courageous leaders now more than ever.
The eternal boy is seductive. He whispers to us through distractions, through endless scrolling, chasing the next thrill, avoiding the hard conversations. He lives in the man who builds his identity around potential rather than execution, in the father who is more playmate than protector, in the leader who reacts but never initiates.
Carl Jung spoke about him. Marion Woodman, too. If we're honest, we've all felt his grip. He's Peter Pan. He's refusing to grow up. He's the startup founder who launches but never scales. He's the father who chases fun with his kids but struggles to hold them when they cry. He is the lover who disappears when things get hard, and he's the man who stays in perpetual preparation but never steps into battle.
So here’s the truth: without initiation, the boy remains a boy. He may age, but he never fully matures. He may gain experiences, but he never really gains wisdom. The only way out of the eternal boy is through fire, through initiation, through responsibility. As Yogananda once said, “Change yourself, and you have done your part in changing the world.” That’s the opportunity available.
True transformation? It’s not about seeking external validation. It’s about stepping into the unknown, facing discomfort, and embracing responsibility, not as a burden but as a portal to deeper power. Every real leader, every mature father, must go through this crucible. The moment you choose to own your mistakes rather than blame others.
The moment you stop waiting for permission and take daring action with integrity. The moment you hold space for your child’s emotions instead of brushing them away. It’s the moment you choose discipline over indulgence, structure over chaos. These are small acts, but they are sacred rites of passage. They signal the transition.
In indigenous traditions, boys were often led into the wilderness, where they faced fear alone and returned as mature adults. Yet today, our wilderness is different. It’s in our businesses, it’s in our homes, it’s in our marriages. It’s in every moment where we resist what is hard, and we know deep down that we must choose to step forward anyway.
So ask yourself, where in your life have you avoided responsibility?
What have you feared stepping into?
Because that, right there, is your initiation waiting to happen.
The Puer Aeternus doesn’t just live in us. He lives in our children. We pass him on, generation to generation to generation. How we lead our kids determines whether they grow into mature adults or remain boys wrapped in adult skin.
If you want your child to be emotionally strong, to have mature grit, you must show them what it means to process emotion rather than suppress it. If you want your child to take responsibility for their actions, they need to see you owning your mistakes. Too many fathers try to control their children because they haven’t yet controlled themselves.
So here’s the shift. Instead of disciplining your child, model discipline. Instead of fixing their problems, show them how to face difficulty with courage. Instead of telling them to be strong, show them what strength looks like, in the form of patience, integrity, and presence.
I had a moment the other day with my son. He was struggling with something small, something that, in my old way of being, I would’ve easily dismissed. But I saw it in his eyes, the frustration, the pain, the way he looked at me. It was like he was asking me, What do I do with this? I realized then that my response here would echo throughout his life. It would be etched into his personality.
So, I got on his level. I breathed with him. I didn’t rush to fix it. I didn’t brush it off. I helped him name what he felt. I showed him what it looks like to hold steady in the storm.
This is fatherhood. Not fixing. Not controlling. But leading by who you are, not just by what you say.
The eternal boy will always whisper. He’s going to be there. He will always seek escape. But you’re called to more. You are called to be the father, the leader, the man who holds steady in the storm. To take responsibility, not as a burden, but as the key to your deepest freedom. To guide your child, not by force, but by example.
The boy inside you doesn’t need to be extinguished. He needs to be guided. He needs to be integrated. He needs to be shown the love, compassion, and courageous presence that he likely did not receive. He needs help being shaped into something greater, something not modeled for him by other men.
So the question is, will you step up? Will you step into this role? To answer this, there’s a question that every man must ask himself, whether he is conscious of it or not: Who is fathering me?
For many men, that answer is no one. Some never had a father who could truly guide them. Others had fathers who were physically present but emotionally absent or spiritually immature. What happens when you still carry an unfathered boy inside you, when parts of you still seek approval?
Regardless of the fathering you received, you can father yourself. You’re not alone in doing this. A growing community of men like yourself is fathering each other. We’re fathering ourselves. We’re fathering ourselves into a new generation of what it means to be a father, what it means to be a leader.
How do you become your own guide? How do you become the protector and mentor to yourself? Because the world doesn’t need more men looking for fathers. It needs more men who are fathers to themselves, to their children, and to the world around them.
So, let’s dive deeper into this self-fathering. It’s about creating the structure, guidance, and accountability you likely never received or never fully internalized.
Maybe you had a father who was harsh and critical, so you learned to fear failure rather than embrace growth.
Maybe your father was absent, so you learned to navigate life without a map, making it up as you went, and you got pretty good at that.
Or maybe your father was kind but unable to hold strong boundaries, leaving you without a model of firm yet compassionate leadership. This often shows up in the leader who says yes to everything except themselves, then wonders why they’re burned out and always caught in the weeds.
Yes, you are not a boy anymore. You no longer need a father to do what you can for yourself. But this is where many men get stuck. They think growing up means rejecting the need for fathering entirely. They push away guidance, dismiss structure, and chase a false sense of freedom that keeps them trapped in chaos. Real freedom comes from self-leadership, and self-leadership comes from learning to father yourself.
The first step in fathering yourself is to develop an established structure. A father is not just a source of love; he is a pillar of strength. He creates order amid chaos. He sets boundaries, expectations, and routines that provide stability.
If you never had that growing up, it's time to create it for yourself. So start with your mornings. How you begin your day determines how you show up in the world.
Wake up at the same time every day.
Before you touch your phone, take a deep breath and move your body.
Set your focus and create non-negotiable rituals for yourself.
A strong father provides consistency. That means setting a standard for yourself, whether it’s journaling, meditation, training, or reflection, and making these habits unshakeable.
End your days with intention instead of numbing out at night.
Take a moment to ask yourself: Did I show up as the man I want to be today?
Where did I lead myself and others? Where did I hide and play small?
You don’t need someone else to set the structure for you. You need to do it. Because a father does not let his son live in disorder. He teaches his son how to listen to his own wisdom, not just external voices, but the deep inner knowing that guides him toward what is right.
If you spent years second-guessing yourself, seeking permission, or hesitating on essential decisions, your inner father needs more of a foundation, and it’s time to strengthen that. So how do you do that? You develop inner guidance. This looks like practicing stillness.
Learn to sit in silence, not to escape, but to listen. Then ask yourself, What is my next right action? The answer won’t always come immediately, but over time, your inner father will begin to speak.
When you’re faced with a difficult choice, call to mind the strongest, wisest father figure you can and have a conversation with him: a mentor you had, an ancestor, or even an idealized version of yourself 10 or 20 years from now.
Ask, What would you have me do? Oftentimes, I find the greatest wisdom comes from doing this type of exercise out in the wild, whether I’m on my paddleboard out on the ocean or deep in the wilderness.
The answers that emerge are core insights to hold dear.
A father teaches his son to trust himself by letting him make choices and learn from them, and you must do the same. There’s no right way to do this thing called life. So make a choice, own it, and adjust if needed, but do not hesitate out of fear.
If you’re lucky enough to come into alignment with who you are, act with integrity and own the results. The more you rely on your own wisdom, the less you seek it from others. The more you trust yourself, the more your children and those you lead will trust you, too. This shows up in the way we lead our businesses.
A father doesn’t just offer love and wisdom; he holds himself and his son accountable. He ensures that what is said is followed by action, and you must learn to do that for yourself. So, set clear standards, not vague aspirations. Set concrete commitments.
How do you expect yourself to show up daily?
Write down what behaviors are unacceptable. Act as if you are being watched all the time.
A strong father knows that no man thrives alone. This is not the time to lone-wolf it. Whether it’s a coach, a men’s group, or a trusted friend, build a system where someone else knows your commitments and can call you forward. Iron sharpens iron. When you are playing small, this community helps hold you accountable.
When you learn to father yourself, something powerful happens. You become the father your children need, and your children become the leaders the world needs.
Our kids watch us. They absorb how we move throughout the world. If we self-abandon, they’re going to learn to do the same. If we lack discipline, they will struggle with consistency, and if we crumble under pressure, they will see fear where they should see courage. But if we show up daily, structured, steady, and self-led, our children will feel that strength.
As Warren Farrell once said, “What a father cannot access in himself, he cannot pass on to his children.”
This is the work we are being called to do. This is your work. This is my work, and it’s an honor to walk alongside you.
If you’re ready to move beyond the Puer Aeternus and step into your full power as a father and leader, the journey doesn’t stop here. Awaken the Father King is a transformational course designed to guide you through deep inner work, helping you cultivate the authority, wisdom, and presence your family and leadership roles require.
Through structured reflection, accountability, and proven leadership frameworks, you’ll develop the tools to father yourself, and those who depend on you, with strength and clarity.
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Read more from Mark W. Guay
Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other. As an adoptee and survivor of childhood domestic violence, he leads with this approach: To really change our lives, we must heal the past and embrace the unknown. To do this, we need self-accountability, the courage to take decisive action, a community of support, and trust that doors will appear, leading us on our path.
