Written by: Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Ready to move on, open your heart again and explore the possibility of entering a relationship with someone new? Let's talk about dating after divorce. Depending on the last time you were on the dating scene, the landscape probably looks a lot different, especially for those of us who are 50 and older.
Personally, I was only a few months shy of turning 49 years old when my divorce was final. Serial monogamist that I am, I never dated much during high school or college. In addition to growing up in the South, most of my military assignments were based in the Southeast. As a result, I guess you could say I had a primarily old-fashioned, Southern Belle kind of mindset about what dating, and courtship should look like.
Yes, despite my 20 years of service and worldwide leadership as a military officer, I still held on to certain beliefs about what was "ladylike" and who should make the first move. But my oh my, how times have changed. And even though I have accepted some of them, I still find myself "clutching my pearls" regarding the many of the new dating norms, especially online dating. Still, if you are ready to stick your toes in the water, here are some of the most important things you need to know as you take this next step towards finding love again.
A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words
One of the main reasons many of us choose online dating in the first place is because we have busy lives, which leave us with little time to socialize and go out to places where we can meet people. Profile pictures often play a significant role in our ability to determine initial physical attraction. With so many people to choose from, think of your profile pictures as your first impression. I know it may sound shallow, but your photos are still where it can all begin or end. Like the way many of us approach food, we eat with our eyes first. At a minimum, I recommend you post at least 3 pictures of yourself, including a headshot, full body shot, and at least one photo that conveys something else about your personality, lifestyle, or hobbies. However, resist the urge to include overly revealing or sexy pictures unless you want to give the impression that sex is the most important thing you will be serving on the menu.
Resist the urge to include overly revealing or sexy pictures unless you want to give the impression that sex is the most important thing you will be serving on the menu. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, so women, please feel free to use a similar strategy as part of your selection criteria for deciding with whom you want to engage. Many men will mistakenly believe their looks don't matter to women, and perhaps they don't in the same way our looks matter to men. However, having an initial physical attraction is still important, perhaps even more so with online dating.
Like Attracts Like
Be authentic, brief, creative, and positive. I know it may sound like a lot to juggle but think about it from this perspective. Take the time to draft your profile … read it, and then ask yourself these questions:
"How well does what I have written describe who I really am?"
"Have I provided a few specifics about some of the things that I am passionate about or that energize me, like traveling, dancing, hiking, cooking,"
"Have I focused on the positives in terms of a few of the things I am looking for in a companion or long-term relationship?"
"Would I want to date me?" "Why or Why Not?"
Another easy way to do this is to look at some of the profiles that stand out to you and figure out how to leverage them while being true to yourself. Bottom line: Take the time to think so you can write something meaningful. Try to be specific but succinct to minimize your chances of attracting the interest of people who don't represent your ideal or boring those who potentially do. Share just enough to pique their interest without revealing too many personal details, which could compromise your safety. You want to give them enough to get the conversation started and see how well they can take the lead from there.
Safety First, Always
When it comes to your personal safety, my advice is straightforward. Trust your instincts, and don't be afraid to act on them! That gut feeling … that small, tiny voice on the inside (not the I'm scared or I'm shy one), you know the one I am talking about. The "something doesn't feel quite right ... this seems to be moving too fast" one. Remember, online dating is like other forms of social media, which allows us a tiny glimpse into the lives of our potential matches. Listen to your intuition and act accordingly. Even as the relationship progresses from winks, smiles, and hearts to text and talk, don't exchange personal contact information until you feel comfortable doing so. If, at any time, you sense something that raises a flag for you rather than assume or jump to conclusions that are not true, ask them about it. Be respectful but firm, and then take the time to listen to their response. Don't be afraid to ask follow-up questions to give you whatever peace of mind you need. Don't hesitate to pump the breaks and gracefully walk away if this peace cannot be achieved. Once you are ready to take the all-important step to meet up in person, always drive yourself to your first date and make sure it is in a very public place. It is also good to tell a friend or family member some details about who you are meeting, when, where, etc.
If you are like me, this is not how you envisioned your love life in your 50s. You were excited about the possibility of becoming an empty-nester retirement, traveling, taking those lessons you always wanted to take, or even starting that business you always dreamed of. No worries, you can still do all of that. You just might have to do it alone for a little while as you pursue new love. Trust yourself and trust the process. No matter how great your life was before this point, your best days are never behind you.
Jolisa Webb, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jolisa Webb is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach ® and the owner of Beauty in the Midst, LLC, a woman and Veteran-owned small business company. Beauty in the Midst DBA Divorce Coach Confidante is rooted in healing presence and holistic, action- and outcome-focused philosophies.
As a divorced mother, a retired and highly decorated Air Force Lieutenant Colonel, and an executive leader, she knows first-hand what the divorce experience can feel like both personally and professionally. With a career spanning the globe, Jolisa has over 30 years of executive, analytical, and leadership expertise in strategic human resources management, with demonstrated success in command and control, communications, information management, personnel, training, protocol, and military equal opportunity.
As a result of her own lessons learned, she became a divorce coach to help female Veterans and other professional women who might be thinking about divorce, in the midst of a divorce, or struggling to move on in the aftermath of a divorce. Jolisa understands how lonely and overwhelming the divorce process can be no matter how intelligent, accomplished, strong and beautiful a woman is. No matter where they are in the divorce process, her Signature Packages are designed to help her clients think and make decisions in a way that honors their truth.
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