Written by: Kelly Hater, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Am I a good enough mom? The unexpected expectations of motherhood!
The memory of finding out you are pregnant is quite literally seared into a mother’s memory bank because it changes your life. From the moment a woman discovers she is going to be a mother, she takes on a completely new identification. She will forever be defined as a mom. It might be the only identification she’s ever really dreamed of having, but maybe at the same time, in becoming a mom, and she must form a new identity. Either way, in her new role, she absorbs all types of new expectations.
There are expectations placed on her from society, from her own family, from her job outside the home, and even her expectations, or what some might call ‘goals’, for herself as a mom. Like any parent, a mother doubts themselves and their ability to meet all these expectations.
We think to ourselves, “Am I good enough at being a mom to successfully fulfill all of these responsibilities?”
The term “good enough mother” started to be thrown around in the 1950s by Donald Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst. The term “good enough mother” is very subjective, yet there is a baseline that needs to be met.
The doubt of whether or not we are a good enough mother for our children is too often floating around a mom’s brain. It’s probably because we compare our efforts and parental achievements to any parent and child within a 10-mile radius. Even the most confident moms will parade their achievements subtly at the local library story time or on the neighborhood playground just for the reassurance that they are indeed a good enough mom for their kids. Seeing their child in comparison to another can be reassuring, and it can also be a huge blow to a mom’s ego.
Are You Mom Enough?
The controversial TIME Magazine article Are you mom enough? Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru that showed an image of a mom breastfeeding her 3-year-old child tugged at the heartstrings of caregivers around the world.
As usual, as the memories of feeding our children when they were babies start to flood a mom’s brain, and we start comparing ourselves to the mom on this cover. Most likely, this image would instantly remind any mom, parent, or caregiver out there of their own experience with feeding. For many women, breastfeeding is a difficult memory of being a mom. No wonder it’s freaking hard work. For other moms, breastfeeding was a triumph and a way of life in the infant years of parenting.
Suppose you read the feature article, though, you’ll discover that this triggering cover image is addressing a parenting style called attachment parenting. Not everyone subscribes to this style of parenting. However, it does seem to be a modern parenting approach that many parents are using whether or not they realize it.
What is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting is a parenting philosophy that encourages the attachment of a parent and his/her infant using empathy and responsive parenting styles in conjunction with physical closeness and bonding strategies.
The goal of attachment parenting is to raise children who can create and maintain healthy emotional connections with other people throughout their life. Parents who take on the mentality of attachment parenting believe that their own respectful and emotionally rich relationship with their child is the first step towards their child’s social-emotional development.
Attachment parenting is not a new trend or strategy but a new way to describe a mentality of parenting that’s been done for centuries. Coined by the pediatrician, Dr. Bill Sears, in the million-copy bestselling book titled, The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two.
Practically speaking, many parents already have taken on some of the strategies of attachment parenting. For example, many moms breastfeed their children, or co-sleep, and/or wear their baby in a baby carrier or sling. These tactics improve the physical, emotional, and mental bond between a parent or caregiver and the child. If attachment parenting is something that fits your family’s needs and values, then one of the most important things to do is to uphold the overriding principles of attachment parenting. According to Attachment Parenting International, there are eight principles parents should live by to raise children who can flourish socially and emotionally at every age.
Principles of Attachment Parenting
1. Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting
Parents need support, preparation, and practice as they prepare for and endure pregnancy, birth, and the ongoing role of parenting.
Example: When planning health care for your child, you explore, research, and are open to different types of prenatal care, birthing options, and postpartum care.
2. Feed with love and respect
Parents believe eating and feeding are a means to show love and mutual respect. They use mealtimes to model healthy relationships with food, positive social connections, love, and relationships with family and close friends.
Example: Picking out a new fruit or vegetable with your child during the weekly grocery store run.
3. Respond with sensitivity
Parents are aware of their child’s emotional and physical needs. Parents respond in a respectful, appropriate, and consistent manner.
Example: When your child is trying their best yet gets upset. Re-assure them to keep trying. Share a story from when you were young and struggled.
4. Use a nurturing touch
Parents provide physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement to their children during all phases of childhood to promote the development of healthy attachment.
Examples: Wearing the baby or giving hugs, messages, and/or playful wrestling with older children.
5. Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally
Parents need support and education on safe sleep arrangements from child to child as all children are different and have different wants and needs as they develop.
Example: Your child may need the comfort of a weighted blanket. Talk about all options with a sleep consultant in your area.
6. Provide consistent and loving care
Parents and caregivers are consistently physically present and give loving, responsive care that allows the infant or the child to bond with them through trust and mutual respect, and play.
Example: Your child is entering kindergarten and heading into a new school setting for the first time. Instead of shoving them out the door with a good luck pat on the back, a parent or caregiver can take the child to the school building and give them a tour of their new classroom, playground, restrooms, and cafeteria. This shows respect for the child’s anxiousness about readiness to separate from their current routine and environment.
7. Practice positive discipline
Positive discipline uses techniques like prevention, distraction, and substitution to help a child develop self-control and self-discipline.
Example: Instead of spanking a child for not cleaning up his toys, a parent would give the child a choice to either put away his/her toys where they belong, or they could be thrown away in the garbage. Allow the child time to choose from those options, and whichever choice he/she makes is what happens next, even if the child chooses to throw away his toys. Follow-through is key to positive disciplining.
8. Strive for balance in your personal and family life
Life has ups and downs, yet keeping life in ebb and flow is a must for the family’s overall well-being.
Example: Keep a family journal. Sharing a journal with your children and/or spouse keeps communication open along with balance in the house.
You can learn more about the principles of attachment parenting on the Attachment Parenting International website.
No matter the parenting style or blend of styles you choose to implement; you must satisfy the essentials:
Meet our child’s health needs
Promote our child’s developmental needs
Putting our child’s safety needs first
Provide routine and consistent care
Acknowledging difficulties
Provide support
Mom Labels
Now that we realize what is needed. No matter how we identify or label our style of parenting from free-range to attached parenting, we are good enough moms. From a “unicorn mom” to a “resilient mom,” even the introverted moms, we are all doing our best for our thriving children.
Putting the “mom labels” aside. We are all trying our best. Everything Mama Bear Domain implements, we believe in challenging moms to be confident, we believe in support, we believe self-worth in motherhood is a must! Join NOW The Mom Coach™ “on-demand” to improve your mindset, conquer your goals because we all deserve to stop existing and start living. You are doing a great job, mom.
Kelly Hater, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine
Kelly Hater, the owner of Mama Bear Domain, has over 15 years of coaching experience and a B.S. in Health Promotion specialized in Exercise Science. She specializes in helping clients overcome mom burnout, providing a clear, decisive plan that leads her clients on a path of success. Her clients no longer let mom guilt steal their identity and goals. Moms deserve to be happy and live fulfilling lives. She personally has overcome overwhelming struggles herself. Get the accountability needed to take action. As a mom of two, she gets it.
