Written by: Tania Friedlander, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Receiving feedback creates conflict within us because it feels personal but is also a great way to learn and grow. The conflict arises from these two seemingly at odds desires: we want to be accepted as we are, and we want to know how we can improve. Feedback also boosts the bottom line by guiding promotions, developing talent, improving performance, and aligning expectations. Implementing useful feedback can be the difference in thousands of dollars in pay as employees are viewed as more ready to handle bigger challenges.
So, how do we get out of our own way and receive feedback better? It starts with understanding our triggers and managing the feelings that arise out of them.
There are three main triggers:
1. Truth triggers: these occur because of the content of the feedback. When the assessment of performance or advice seems to not be relevant — or simply wrong — the recipient will feel judged unfairly. How to get around truth triggers:
For the giver: make sure to assess feedback for its accuracy beforehand, and convey it in a way that is constructive, kind, and helpful.
For the receiver: make sure to ask questions to understand the intent of what is being shared. Provide your perspective and see if maybe a small part of what was shared can be implemented — even if the rest is truly off base.
2. Relationship triggers: these are a result of who is giving the feedback, and what is believed or perceived about them. Even if the feedback has validity, it is disregarded because of who provided it. How to get around relationship triggers:
For the giver: consider whether your relationship to the person you’re giving feedback to will color the way they receive the information. Is there someone else who could deliver it in your place? If not, what can you do to bridge the gap between you and the receiver?
For the receiver: attempt to separate the information from the messenger. Do your best to be objective about what is being told to you and consider it on its merits alone.
3. Identity triggers: these arise when our sense of self is challenged — we may have always thought of ourselves as the most organized person we know, and then the feedback comes in: things are slipping through the cracks. This can cause overwhelm and defensiveness, as we struggle to regain our sense of balance and identity. How to get around identity triggers:
For the giver: make sure to separate feedback from characterizations. Because someone let something slip to the cracks, it does not mean they are now disorganized as a person. Give them the benefit of the doubt and focus on their performance rather than their entire identity.
For the receiver: separate the information from your identity as much as possible. Because you have behaved in a disorganized way, does not mean you are disorganized. Give yourself leeway and understanding — no one is perfect all the time, even if they are really good in certain areas.
Studies have shown that 55% of employees said their most recent performance review had been unfair or inaccurate. If they had received coaching on their triggers, and the feedback givers had been given best practices on delivering feedback, how much lower may that have been? The truth is that almost no manager desires to be unfair or inaccurate, and nearly every direct report wants a fair shot and to improve. Both want the same thing — but it’s not always easy to get on the same page.
Developing the ability to see things from another point of view and having the openness to experiment with different ways of doing things are skills that serve us in relationships throughout life — it is the same in the workplace. As recipients of feedback, we may need to shelve things that are genuinely unhelpful or inaccurate but having an open conversation can help foster a better relationship and alignment on expectations going forward. A healthy amount of self-awareness, and ability to separate content from intention and opportunity to grow will go a long way.
Tania Friedlander, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Tania is an attorney by training and a former champion athlete. She has trained at world-leading coaching institutions. She is an International Coach Federation Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and a Certified Gallup Global Strengths Coach. She is driven by her passion for helping individuals break through their challenges, whether professional or personal. She has the privilege of working with executives and emerging leaders from global Fortune 500 companies using evidence-based coaching assessments, frameworks, and tools. Her approach is designed to increase connectivity, awareness, and accountability to elevate the internal dynamic, increase morale, and enhance workplace culture. She is also on the executive team at SteerUs, the world's first soft skills academy, and has led many workshops and seminars on leveraging strengths.
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