Penelope Ling is an award-winning solution-focused hypnotherapist specializing in phobias. She founded Penelope Ling Hypnotherapy and is the author of the book Driving me crazy – overcome the fear of driving. She regularly contributes to magazines like Happiful and guests on podcasts and BBC local radio.
The phrase Gaslighting comes from the 1938 British play called Gas Light and later a film starring Ingrid Bergman and Angela Lansbury. People often connect gaslighting with a partner’s behaviour, but it can also happen between friends. Gaslighting often begins subtly, with your partner or friend denying things they said or twisting events to make you question your memory. It can escalate to where you doubt your own perception of reality. Common signs include being told you’re “too sensitive” or that your feelings aren’t valid. They will rubbish other friends and make you feel the bad person by “neglecting” them, as they obviously need you more. They will try to break up relationships with other friends or family.
During my teens, my best friend broke up many of my relationships with other friends. They told me about their party adventures to stoke up jealousy. She tried to set me up with dates with boys who were in her eyes more appropriate. It didn’t work. I recognised she was being controlling, and the relationship ended when she really objected to a boyfriend I really connected with.
If you find yourself constantly second-guessing your thoughts, this could result from gaslighting. Recognising these patterns is the first step in regaining control over your mind and emotions. By identifying gaslighting behaviours, you can begin breaking free from their influence.
1. Trust your perceptions
Gaslighting thrives on making you doubt your own experiences, so it’s crucial to trust what you see and feel. While your partner may insist you are misinterpreting situations, your instincts are often more reliable than you think. Trusting your perceptions means acknowledging your feelings and accepting them as valid. If something feels off, it probably is—don’t let gaslighting convince you otherwise. By reaffirming your trust in yourself, you can resist the emotional manipulation. Trusting your own perceptions is a key defence against the effects of gaslighting.
2. Document interactions
Gaslighting can make it difficult to remember what actually happened in arguments or interactions, as your partner may twist the facts. Keeping a record of conversations, either through notes or voice memos, can help you maintain clarity. By documenting interactions, you create a trail of evidence to refer to when you question yourself. This will give you tangible proof when your partner denies their words or actions. Regular documentation also helps you see patterns of gaslighting over time. Ultimately, keeping a record of gaslighting behaviours allows you to defend your truth and protect your mental well-being.
3. Seek support from trusted individuals
One of the primary effects of gaslighting is isolation, where the victim feels cut off from external validation. To counteract this, seek support from friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide a different perspective. Trusted people in your life can affirm that what you’re experiencing is real and wrong. Sharing your experiences can also make you feel less alone, and their insights may help you realise how deep the gaslighting runs. Don’t let the gaslighting isolate you—connecting with supportive people is a powerful way to regain your confidence. The reassurance of trusted individuals can be an anchor when gaslighting tries to destabilise your reality. Often, if family members are negative about a partner or friend, it can put up barriers. One client of mine struggled to take the advice from their parents because their partner was convincing her they were the genuine problem. Seeking a neutral non-judgemental therapist can be helpful, as there are no emotional attachments to the situation.
4. Set boundaries
Gaslighting often involves violating emotional and psychological boundaries, where your partner oversteps and dismisses your feelings. Setting firm boundaries helps protect you from further manipulation. Clearly communicate what behaviours you will not tolerate and follow through with consequences if they cross them. For example, if your partner tries to twist your words or deny your reality, calmly but assertively shut down the conversation. Establishing boundaries can make it harder for the gaslighting to continue. By asserting yourself and setting boundaries, you reclaim control over how others treat you. Another client had split from the father of her son but allowed him to come and go as he pleased to see their son. The gaslighting was causing friction, so one solution she came up with was to change the locks. She allowed her son access on his terms and he became happier being at home because his parents were no longer arguing all the time.
5. Educate yourself on gaslighting
Understanding how gaslighting works is empowering, because knowledge gives you the tools to recognise manipulation. Understand the tactics gas lighters use, such as blame-shifting, denial, and minimising your feelings. The more you know about the dynamics of gaslighting, the easier it becomes to spot and counteract. You may also find comfort in knowing that what you’re experiencing has a name and that others have successfully escaped similar situations. Educating yourself allows you to separate their gaslighting from reality, helping you stay grounded. With this knowledge, you can better protect yourself from future manipulations.
6. Practice self-care
Gaslighting can take a heavy emotional toll, leading to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, or depression. Prioritising self-care is essential for rebuilding your mental strength. Engage in activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it’s exercising, meditating, or spending time in nature. Engaging in self-care helps counter the negative effects of gaslighting by reinforcing your belief that you deserve to feel good and be treated with respect. The more you nurture your well-being, the more resilient you become to emotional manipulation. Practicing self-care can be an antidote to the emotional damage caused by gaslighting.
7. Develop a safety plan
If the gaslighting is part of a larger pattern of emotional or physical abuse, creating a safety plan is essential. Gaslighting can escalate to more dangerous behaviours, making it critical to have an exit strategy. This may include securing finances, finding a safe place to stay, and gathering important documents. You should also plan how to leave the relationship safely, possibly with the help of a trusted person or a professional. A well-thought-out safety plan protects you from further harm and prepares you for life beyond the gaslighting relationship. Years ago I developed a friendship with someone who had escaped such a relationship. Her partner used to lock her under the stairs when he went out. Recognising that she had to escape, each day she smuggled articles of clothing and money out of the house placing it securely behind the bins in the garden. It was her duty to take out rubbish, so he never suspected her. She carefully altered the lock to the cupboard, so she could open it from the inside. One day, upon learning that he was working for a full 8 hours, she managed to escape the cupboard, and unlock the back door. She fled the house, boarded a bus, and moved to begin a fresh life while initiating legal proceedings against him.
8. Challenge negative self-talk
Gaslighting often leads to internalised self-doubt, where you start to believe the negative things your partner says about you. It’s important to challenge these thoughts and remind yourself that they are a product of manipulation. Whenever you catch yourself thinking, “I’m overreacting” or “It’s my fault,” pause and question where these thoughts are coming from. Replace negative self-talk with affirmations like, “My feelings are valid” and “I deserve respect.” Countering the effects of gaslighting requires actively reshaping your inner dialogue. By challenging negative self-talk, you regain your sense of self-worth that gaslighting tries to erode.
9. Seek professional help
Gaslighting can have a profound impact on your mental health, and sometimes professional help is needed to fully recover. A therapist, particularly one who specialises in trauma or emotional abuse, can guide you through the process of healing. Therapy provides a safe space to process the effects of gaslighting, helping you rebuild your self-esteem and trust in your own judgment. A professional can also equip you with coping strategies to resist further manipulation. Seeking therapy shows that you are prioritising your well-being over the control that gaslighting seeks to impose. Professional support can be a crucial step in reclaiming your mental health after gaslighting. I would also see your GP. One client who was adamant she was being gas lit by an ex-employer approached me for support. Small signs showed it was a serious mental health issue, where the person was suffering from severe paranoia and delusions. A trained therapist can often spot the difference, whereas a layperson may not. Having a psychiatrist diagnose the problem may be the only option.
Various UK organisations can provide help.
The National Domestic Abuse helpline
Other countries will have similar organisations.
10. Plan for the future
Gaslighting often makes it difficult to think beyond the immediate chaos, but planning for a future without the manipulative partner can be liberating. Start envisioning your life free from the control and constant second-guessing that gaslighting causes. Focus on your goals, whether they involve personal growth, career advancement, or simply living in peace. Creating a vision for your future can give you the motivation to take the steps to leave the relationship. Gaslighting works to keep you stuck, but planning for a positive future helps you break free from its grip. A clear, hopeful vision for your life can empower you to move beyond the damage caused by gaslighting. One such client was planning a new life with the partner abroad and had everything set up, but once she realised it was part of the ploy to separate her from her friends and family went ahead without him and found a new life and caring friends away from his manipulation.
If you are rebuilding your life after such a gas lit relationship, then Solution-focused hypnotherapy is an excellent way to rebuild confidence. It’s not only good self-care but also helps you to create a better future for you. Sometimes the stress from these relationships will manifest into the fear of driving or problems with swallowing and hypnotherapy is great for changing how your body responds to stress and helps you understand how to manage it better in the future. Give me a call or arrange for a free consultation at
Penelope Ling, Solution-focused Hypnotherapist
Penelope Ling, BA, is a solution-focused hypnotherapist and author. She became a specialist in phobias, having many as a child and a fear of driving as an adult, which left her unable to drive for 13 years. Having conquered those fears during training, the decision to help others overcome their limitations was simple. She helps her clients overcome their fears and phobias, achieving a more fulfilling, anxiety-free life.
Comments