Written by Sogol Johnson,Trauma-Informed Coaching
Sogol Johnson, MA, ICF Candidate, is an award-winning experience designer who left her Fortune 500 career to break the generational cycle of trauma. Founder of The Self Parent, she is an educator, writer, and coach empowering parents through self-parenting and healing journeys to create a healthier next generation.
You’ve heard it a million times: “Date the nice guy!” Whether it’s your best friend, your mom, or that random aunt at a family reunion, society seems to have a collective obsession with steering women away from the so-called “bad boys” and toward the ever-elusive “nice guy.” I cringe whenever I hear, "But he is a good guy." Sure, he is, but what does "good" mean? Are they certified and rolling off an assembly line? Of course not. Good for whom? Me? You? Or are they just checking a societal box of what a "good guy" should be? Why are most of us still clinging to this well-intentioned yet completely misguided advice?
Recently, I’ve encountered many women trying to force relationships with “Mr. Nice,” only to feel more triggered, hopeless, and confused than ever. After all, if not Mr. Nice, then who? I hear women say, “But he is nice. I don't want to feel this way, so it must be me. I’m the problem.” My answer? "Well, yes, it is you, but not in the way you think. Allow me to explain by shifting the focus from 'Mr. Nice Guy' to you." I invite you to join me in unwrapping some of this.
Mr. Nice and his PR team: the campaign we didn’t ask for
Bad boys are undeniably exciting. They exude confidence and mystery, creating an intoxicating allure that you might be the one to finally "tame" them. But this thrill is often fleeting, overshadowed by the emotional harm of their inconsistent and toxic behavior. To counter this, society’s solution has been the opposite extreme: the proverbial "Mr. Nice," a seemingly safe and stable antidote. He is the one who remembers your mom’s birthday, is dependable, has a calm demeanor, and doesn’t play games. He seems to check every box, and if we don't fall head over heels for this person, there is a nice cupcake made of guilt, topped with shame, waiting for you.
This binary thinking, of course, oversimplifies relationships. It assumes that if one extreme is harmful, the other must be ideal. But relationships are not that black and white, and this approach misses the deeper truths about emotional connection and compatibility. While "nice" may be appealing on the surface, it is essential to dig deeper into what lies beneath that exterior.
The different shades of the nice guy
Not all "nice guys" are created equal. While many are genuinely kind, empathetic, and respectful, others use the “nice guy” persona as a mask for toxic behaviors, either knowingly or unknowingly. We gaslight ourselves into putting up with it. These individuals may appear thoughtful on the surface but often harbor manipulative tendencies or a sense of entitlement when their "niceness" is not reciprocated with affection or attention.
This shade of Mr. Nice might guilt-trip his partner by subtly making her feel responsible for his happiness. He may frame his kindness as a transactional act, where affection is expected in return. He may also become resentful and passive-aggressive when his efforts go unreciprocated. Such behaviors replace emotional support with obligation, leaving the partner feeling drained and unsupported.
At the end of the day, toxic behavior is still toxic behavior, whether it’s served straight up or diluted. An innocent smile does not negate actions that invalidate your emotions or undermine your sense of self. Such manipulative tendencies, whether intentional or not, can erode trust and emotional well-being. True niceness, however, goes beyond the pursuit of brownie points. It’s about mutual respect, genuine care, and emotional maturity that seeks connection without expecting a round of applause.
This is only one shade of Mr. Nice. Some knowingly manipulate, while others unconsciously project their unhealed wounds, lacking the self-awareness to recognize their toxic patterns.
In my self-parenting coaching practice, I frequently work with women, single or married, who struggle to feel safe, validated, and emotionally fulfilled in relationships with “Mr. Nice.” Many feel compelled to push through their unmet needs, while others unknowingly ignore the subtle warnings their nervous system is sending. This subconscious process, known as neuroception, constantly scans for cues of safety or danger, shaping our emotional and physiological responses before we even become aware of them. Understanding how neuroception influences your relationships is key, and we’ll explore this further in the next section.
Self-gaslighting and neuroception
Imagine an alarm system blaring non-stop for hours or even days. Over time, it either drains its battery and shuts down or fades into the background, no longer triggering an immediate response. This is exactly what happens when we repeatedly override our body's natural signals, whether by self-gaslighting or simply not being aware of our nervous system’s cues.
Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory explains this through neuroception, the body’s subconscious system that constantly scans for safety or threat in our internal sensations, external environment, and social interactions. When we ignore its warnings, we teach ourselves to tolerate discomfort instead of addressing the root cause. Over time, this can reinforce unhealthy relationship patterns, keeping us stuck in dynamics that don’t truly serve us.
Emotional safety isn’t a luxury; it’s essential. By cultivating self-awareness and listening to our body’s cues, we can break free from self-imposed gaslighting and foster relationships built on genuine trust and respect.
Hug and own your triggers – they are not the enemy
Triggers serve as internal alarms, signaling unresolved wounds that need attention. They often emerge as intense emotional reactions tied to past experiences, highlighting deeper pain that a relationship might be surfacing. These moments of dysregulation are not inconveniences to be ignored; they are valuable indicators, like a compass pointing us toward something. By approaching triggers with curiosity and self-compassion rather than suppression, you allow yourself to uncover and address the root of these emotional responses and reclaim a sense of emotional safety.
In contrast, disliking something is often rooted in personal preference, lacking the emotional weight of a trigger. It’s a matter of taste or alignment rather than a call to deeper introspection. Being able to discern these two experiences allows you to embrace your triggers as opportunities for growth while understanding when something simply doesn’t meet your standards or needs. Together, this awareness equips you to navigate relationships with a balanced perspective, ensuring your well-being remains a priority. And, dare I say, shifting your focus from Mr. Nice to Mr. Right.
When working with clients, I often guide them through exercises to identify common emotional experiences in relationships with both Mr. Nice and not-so-nice partners. These patterns often serve as crucial indicators of what serves and what does not. By examining these patterns in your relationships, you can uncover critical clues about your emotional well-being. The mental and physical toll of staying in unsupportive dynamics, ranging from heightened anxiety and depression to chronic stress and physical fatigue, underscores the importance of prioritizing individual compatibility and emotional safety. Shifting the focus from societal archetypes to these deeper truths ensures that relationships nurture rather than harm your well-being.
Protecting the nervous system at all costs
Rather than defaulting to societal archetypes, let’s focus on finding someone who genuinely makes you feel good. A healthy partner will calm your nervous system, make things feel easy and comfortable, and prioritize your emotional safety. Here are some key questions to ask yourself about your partner:
Does he validate your feelings, or does he gaslight you?
Does he apologize sincerely, or does he intellectualize his apologies?
Does he respect your emotions and needs and hold them in high regard?
Can he handle constructive criticism and grow from it, or does he become defensive?
The answers to these questions can help you determine whether someone has the emotional maturity and self-awareness to build a healthy relationship.
Understanding your emotional triggers and how they shape your interactions is essential to building healthier relationships. Practicing self-parenting strategies, such as grounding exercises during moments of distress, setting and enforcing clear boundaries, and using somatic exercises to process emotions, fosters the self-awareness needed to identify and break free from unhealthy patterns. These practices empower you to advocate for your emotional needs and prioritize your well-being.
I often encourage my clients to tune out the external noise and focus on the one voice that truly matters: the quiet but profoundly significant voice of their nervous system. This inner voice is an unerring guide, offering insight into how you feel in someone’s presence 100% of the time.
In my coaching practice, I have developed the Stoplight Protocol, a method designed to help individuals recognize alarm signals, identify triggers, and take empowered, actionable steps in the moment. For guidance on implementing self-parenting strategies and learning how the Stoplight Protocol, rooted in Polyvagal Theory, can transform your relationships, reach out to gain clarity and take the first steps toward building strong, healthy connections.
Final thoughts
Society’s advice to “date the nice guy” often feels oversimplified or outdated, even if it comes from a well-meaning place. It’s rooted in the desire to help women find fulfilling relationships, but the label of “Mr. Nice” doesn’t automatically equate to a good partner. The healthiest relationships are built on mutual respect, emotional health, and true compatibility, not societal stereotypes.
At the end of the day, the best advice is to first know yourself, love yourself, and date the person who makes you feel like the best version of yourself, bad guy, nice guy, or somewhere in between. Let’s retire the labels and shift our focus to what truly matters: emotional safety, mutual respect, and a nurturing connection built on trust and understanding.
To gain clarity on your dating patterns, receive guidance, or learn more about how self-parenting can help you heal from past experiences that may be affecting your relationships, consider working with a trauma-informed coach. With the right support, you can cultivate partnerships that not only uplift and support you but also lay the groundwork for long-lasting emotional well-being and fulfillment.
Sogol Johnson, Trauma-Informed Coach
Sogol Johnson, an award-winning designer with a master’s in Human-Centered Design, left her Fortune 500 career as a strategist to focus on breaking the cycle of generational trauma. Now an educator, writer, and advocate for healing childhood trauma, she combines her expertise in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), Somatic Therapy, and Trauma-Informed Coaching to empower parents and communities through self-parenting and healing practices.
