Julia Mechlin is a QHHT Level II practitioner, Reiki Master and Business Data Analyst. She is the founder of Quantum Oneness Center.
If you could get back all the time you have spent regretting something, feeling shame and frustration about something that has happened, what would you do with it? There is no good found in looking backwards with regret. What is it doing with our time today? I can tell you this… wasting time! Get the lesson and move on! My grandfather gave me the key, and I will share that with you in a minute.
Our thoughts build or destroy us; it is our decision
If we spend 15 minutes, today, beating ourselves up over something that has already happened, it is literally wasting 15 minutes of today and bringing us down. Does it propel you to want to build your life and make more? There is no doubt that we need to review what we have learned and what has happened, as a lesson, so that we do not repeat our lessons. If we beat ourselves up with shame and disappointment in ourselves, we are wasting time today that we should be using doing something to build upon our lives.
Being the light is sharing our lessons to guide others on their path
The beginning of the healing journey for me was when my grandfather shared what he had learned from grief counseling. After my grandmother passed, he was remorseful and regretful that he “should have been a better husband.” He realized what an amazing woman she was and owned the fact that he took her for granted. I respected him for sharing that. I respected that he owned where he felt he failed. I had compassion for him. He was human and worthy of compassion for his pain because he owned it. I certainly did not think less of him for being vulnerable, I saw him as a stronger person.
He attended grief counseling to try and make peace with his circumstances. He met a wonderful counselor through Hospice who changed his perspective, which in turn, gave me peace that I had never known. He was a light for me. He said, “Elizabeth told me, ‘Bud, life is like driving a car; you must keep looking forward, or you are going to wreck today. You may want to glance back in the rearview mirror, from time to time, to see what roads you might like to go to again.’”
It was profound! I spent years lamenting about and regretting decisions in my life. I grew up in a “Shame on you! I am so disappointed in you!” home. If you got an A-, “Couldn’t you have worked a little harder for an A?”
Each time that I heard it, I was more convinced I was worthless, and I was running in all directions to escape it, not always in the right direction, either. Mind you, not all my grades were even A-. I remember thinking, frequently, that I was not worthy of love. I did not really matter, I was worthless, and what was there to protect?
Truthfully, all that I wanted was to be loved, wanted, and accepted, or at least not worthless and unwanted. I was not important enough to stay on tasks, to care for myself, and I think there might have been a bit of ADHD, since listening to experts through the years.
Granted I did hear, “Good job,” occasionally, but they did not like giving them out. As an adult I know that they did not have their own “Good jobs” to give away. We can only give what we have.
Ironically, my parents had divorced our family when they divorced each other. We were left to raise ourselves. It was in those moments of review of report cards, or if they happened to notice us for one reason or another, that these criticisms came. I remember thinking they had no right to say anything because they spent most of their time avoiding us. Yet, they were only capable of what they knew at the time. We do the best we can until we know better…
Throughout my life, I have aimed to get everyone’s approval, gave away my power at every turn, trying to win people’s validation and acceptance of me. I over-worked in my jobs needing my bosses to approve of me. I would do favors for people with no boundaries, to get their approval. I would take absolute crap from people thinking that was what I deserved. I could not say no to anyone that I needed to approve of me.
People can only give us what they have. If I am seeking validation and acceptance for someone who does not have it or know it, how can they give it to me?
The apologies to my children
I did that same thing to my children, thinking that shame and guilt are a great way to control them, and get results, until I had figured this all out. Once I figured all of this out, I had to grow from that, and return to each of my children, apologize to them, and ask for forgiveness for any harm that I had done to them.
We cannot demand forgiveness – that is their business
We cannot demand someone forgive us. We can ask them to forgive us and give them the space and time to do it; otherwise, we are trespassing doing that to them. We cannot demand someone feel anything.
In fact, the whole thing goes like this, “I am sorry that I hurt you. I did to you what was done to me, and it hurt. I thought it was the way to get results and motivate you to succeed, but the only thing that it really did was belittle you. I was wrong, and I did not motivate you, I hurt you the same way that I was hurt. I hope that you can forgive me someday.”
Asking for forgiveness formula = Own it + Say Exactly what you did + ask them for forgiveness if they are willing
At times, I have questioned if I should have ever had children since I came from such a dysfunctional situation. I cannot imagine my life without my sons, they are the best of my life. They are my greatest teachers, the loves of my life, and they certainly did not deserve the generational trauma I brought to them; however, it was likely what I learned from loving them, that helped me to see all of this. Not sure that it was fair to them, but we have grown, and we are making new ways, generationally.
What the research says
I had to do some research for this article, out of respect to you and me. I found an article from Clearview Treatment Programs:
The impact of shame
People who live with shame often avoid relationships, vulnerability, and community.
People who live with shame are prone to suppressing their emotions.
People who live with shame often feel worthless, depressed, and anxious.
People who live with shame are less likely to take healthy risks (Clearview Treatment Programs, 2018).
It goes on to say, “Shame can be a contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and codependency.”
Yes, yes it can!
“Toxic shame is a feeling that you’re worthless. It happens when other people treat you poorly, and you turn that treatment into a belief in yourself. You’re most vulnerable to this type of poor treatment during childhood or as a teen. When you feel toxic shame, you see yourself as useless or, at best, not as good as others (Web MD Editorial Contributors, 2024).”
Yes.
In a study done with 109 students and 50 depressed patients, they filled out self-report questionnaires that were designed to measure shame, guilt, pride, social anxiety, depression, and social rank (inferiority self-perceptions, and submissive behavior). The results confirmed that shame, social anxiety, and depression (but not guilt) are highly related to feeling inferior and to submissive behavior (Gilbert, 2000).
What if, instead, we approach people by asking them about what is going on, talking about the impact of the situation, and brainstorming about what we can do about it to make it better?
Instead of labeling someone a disappointment and telling them that we are ashamed of them. Let's take the lesson and learn that we can move on to a better life with more strength, determination, and courage.
Stop wrecking today and go do something that makes your life better… forgive yourself and know that you have always done the best that you can be based on what you knew at the time... You are worth it! Shame and regret are not.
PS: There are no mistakes, only lessons!
Julia Mechlin, Reiki Master, Business Data and Reporting Analyst
Julia Mechlin is a wife, mother, navy veteran, business data and reporting analyst, QHHT Level II practitioner, reiki master, and founder of Quantum Oneness Center. She has dedicated her life to helping others to help themselves heal, recover from emotional, physical, and long-term trauma. She is in Southern Indiana and travels throughout the country to those who need help in their healing journey.
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