Bozena Skarbek-Cielecka specializes in Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and is fond of Adult Group Psychotherapy. Having a breakdown followed by a period of depression in her thirties, she decided to change her career from being a foreign language teacher to being a psychotherapist. After a successful treatment, she studied Art and Music Therapy first, and then she deepened her skills by studying Psychodynamic Psychotherapy at the Laboratory of Psychoeducation in Warsaw- Poland. She has since dedicated her life to helping others to overcome the darkest moments of their lives. She is passionate about Group Analysis. Studying Modern Group Analysis and finishing the Diploma in Group Analysis training, she discovered ways to help people in a shorter, more effective group therapy. She believes in human's ongoing change and growth. Awarded the European Certificate of Psychotherapy, the certificate of excellence, she is paying her "debt of gratitude" to all therapists who saved her life. She is planting seeds of love in her clients' hearts.
Bożena Skarbek-Cielecka, Psychodynamic Psychotherapist
Can we begin with a short introduction? Please tell us about you and your life, so we can get to know you better. I can see you are not English as you have such an unusual name.
My name is Bożena, which in translation means "Gift from God". My parents being very funny gave me this name to fit my surname Skarbek, which means "Little Treasure". I am Polish but I have lived and worked in the UK since 2006. My life back home was very different from my experience nowadays. Back in Poland, I worked for almost twenty years as a languages teacher. I taught French and Spanish in all kinds of schools, from kindergartens to Primary Private Schools, Grammar and High Pedagogic Schools. I loved my job and every single morning I couldn't wait to go to school and meet my dear pupils, students, and trainees. I was like a mother with lots of children around me. My students were close to my heart and that always made me happy. In my private life, I dreamt of having seven children myself but life has written a different scenario for me. I have only three...
I was wondering how you got to psychotherapy. What happened and why did you decide to change your twenty-year teaching career to psychotherapy?
At the age of 33, I had a major breakdown after losing a baby in the first trimester of my pregnancy. Despite having three children already, I was devastated. My miscarriage left me hopeless and in deep despair. While signed off sick with depression, I read an interesting book written by Anthony De Mello, "Awareness" (Spirituality in his own words). I fell in love with this book, and it has been my little "Bible", my life guide, and my eye-opening new way of seeing and understanding the world around me. Not understanding fully what was going on with my mental health, I decided to attend psychotherapy sessions and I joined group psychotherapy. The therapy was successful because of the safety, boundaries, and unconditional love I received from both therapists and other group members. I have changed enormously. I was a teacher no more but a "new born Me" craving for something very new, for the fulfillment of my dreams and also for inner harmony... This was the reason I decided to change my professional career to pay a debt of gratitude to all those wonderful therapists who saved my life back in 1993. I started to study Music and Art Therapy. In a short time, psychotherapy became my passion and I wanted to put all my efforts into developing my awareness and therapeutic skills necessary to help, support, and inspire others in their journeys. I wanted them to be courageous enough to make positive changes in their lives, regain hope, develop compassion for themselves and others, and eventually prosper and thrive.
Check link here.
You started to create your own intriguing Company, "Seeds of Love". Where does the idea of seeds of love come from?
I believe we all are born to experience love but some of us have not had the same chances to receive enough time and attention from parents or caregivers. Those unfortunate people have spent their childhood trying to survive rather than enjoy life and thrive. They have not learnt what unconditional love looks like and as a result of the attachment trauma they have not been able to go through life as happy and cheerful human beings. Unfortunately, they locked themselves in the darkest places of anxiety, depression, and despair. Working with my clients for more than twenty years already, I realized that the missing love must be somehow planted back in their hearts. I myself have been in those dark places and I wouldn't wish anyone, even my greatest enemy, to go through the real hell of hopelessness and desperation. I am very dedicated to planting seeds of love in every human being`s heart, not only in therapy but also in my real life. I wrote a poem for the 100th publication of the Group Analytic Society International called "Matrix`s Seeds-of-Love" (Maternal Love) Check link here.
"Matrix`s Seeds of Love"
Neverending Dance of Love,
Nothingness and Eternity,
Neverending Universe,
Neverending Unity.
The Earth and the Air,
the Water and the Fire,
Strength and Weakness,
Tears and Smile. Desperation and Cheer,
Sadness and Allégresse,
Cold and Warmth,
Harsh and Tenderness.
Neverending Dance of Love,
built on Hopes, built on Trust,
Neverending Togetherness, Future, Present, Past...
Life did not spoil you, that`s for sure, even your name chosen by your parents sounded so promising...
I am smiling now as I realize the second surname I got from my husband is Cielecka which means in a free translation, "Baby of Cow". I kept the other surname even after my divorce, because all my children had my ex-husband`s name and I did not want them to be questioned as to why their mum is a "Gift from God" when they are "Babies of Cow". I never got rid of my ex`s surname, as I found the combined meaning of it amazing and funny. Even though I divorced the Love of my Life in 2000 I have still loved him very much. He did not have the best chances from when he was born and it was not his fault that he couldn`t manage with all the projections and fear he was passing onto me. After my tragic miscarriage I decided to be free. I needed to celebrate the beginning of the new century, giving myself the kind of self-Iove I knew I deserved the most, the warmest hug from the new "Me".
Was your darkness painful enough when you decided to search for the light?
My darkness was all connected to the loss of my baby girl. She was so precious to me, she already had her name, chosen by my little daughter. She was supposed to be born as "Victory" (the name in the Polish language sounds "Wiktoria"). My world collapsed the day of my miscarriage and my heart was bleeding constantly. I couldn`t stop my tears and they have never dried for many, many years. However, later on, they were invisible to others. The only person who witnessed my suffering was me. My isolation was very painful and with time it caused avalanches of sadness, sorrow, and despair. I was rolling slowly but inevitably down the hill, not knowing how to stop slipping into the darkest spaces of my very existence.
How did you manage to transform your despair into a powerful force of resilience to keep going despite obstacles and difficulties?
I strongly believe, it was the secret of my therapy. My ever-increasing mindfulness, awareness, and understanding of my subconscious world comes from my therapy which was the Jungian style analysis. For more than five and a half years I attended individual psychotherapy sessions. Lying on a couch and receiving unconditional love from my therapist, I regained the old "Me" and discovered a new "Me". I owe to my therapist so much, that I can`t even find the words of gratitude towards her. At the end of our therapeutic journey I internalized her "inner beauty" fully and truly because I was feeling free enough to get rid of fear and to love again. When my fears disappeared, love replaced them and expanded naturally in me.
Can you expand a little bit on your psychodynamic approach? Is it what you still practice or maybe during your career you found more interesting psychotherapy models?
Psychodynamic Psychotherapy which I chose to study is the approach I love the most. The relationship with my clients based on intimacy allows me to form a strong therapeutic alliance. During the therapy sessions, which are set up for every single week, fifty minutes each, I can learn about my clients` attachment styles, thoughts, emotions, and impulses that influence their day-to-day lives. A symbolic inner work fascinates me the most as there are spaces full of unconscious stuff that can be analyzed and put back into the conscious mind. Freudian slips, metaphors, archetypes (based on the Jungian approach), and many other symbolic works give me a lot of satisfaction and pleasure the moment I can witness my clients' change and growth. After years of using this approach in my individual work with clients I found something else, more profound and amazing, the group therapy. I started to study Modern Group Analysis in Mallorca in 2016, all in Spanish.
I easily fell in love with the Group Analytical approach. My Spanish teachers, my two incredible Angels, were guiding me towards my greatest life adventure: Group Analysis.
What are the advantages of being emotionally open? Are there any feelings you prefer to avoid?
Being emotionally open means being open to life itself, not avoiding anything, going through life with the flow. Generally, there are no good or bad emotions as everything counts, depending on the situation. Every single emotion is valuable in different life circumstances. I see clients' feelings in colours and I think life would be boring if not for the different colours we can express ourselves through. I tried to avoid anger myself all my life, however, in the end, it would kill me if not for the therapy. I do not recommend avoiding any feelings as they are bottled in our bodies anyway and give us symptoms that are even worse than the hidden emotional stuff of fear and despair.
During the most challenging times, where did the source of your strength come from? Are you always prepared to embrace the climb, to endure the storm, to persevere?
I think I went through a lot in my "adventurous" past. Having life's ups and downs and coping most of the time on my own, I strongly believe in my inner strength to survive. I am certain I received enough love from my parents. Even though they were not ideal, they were good enough to plant seeds of love in my tender, compassionate heart. Nowadays, I accept every feeling and life turmoil with openness and a calm approach, knowing and never forgetting that there is a rainbow after the rain and there is daylight after the darkness of the night.
What would you do if you knew you were about to die?
The only thing that matters to me are my relationships, friendships, and connections with others. If I knew I was about to die, I would invite all my family members and people I have the honour to know, to my bedside to let them know how much I loved them. According to the famous saying "love is all we need, all we need is love..."
What elements of your personality help you the most in your work as a psychotherapist?
I believe I am an open, empathic, and compassionate human being, fully respecting and praising diversity and differences. I try to understand others without making assumptions, or judgments, without labelling them but being curious about their humanity. Awareness of my feelings and emotions helps me to feel and understand transferences and counter transferences better. Thanks to the connection to my feelings I make deeper therapeutic alliances with the people coming to me for help and support in mental distress. I can very quickly build a safe, bounded space in the therapy room, which allows me to open my clients' hearts more easily and get rid of their defences, to be intimate more quickly with me.
Have you ever had a "dangerous", unpredictable client? If "yes" is your answer how did you manage to cope with unsafe situations?
"Dangerous" clients? Do they exist? Maybe unpredictable ones yes, but even though they can seem dangerous, if they get enough time and loving attention, they lose their unpredictability. I had one client in the past who labelled herself as a "complex case". She was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder and the work with her was challenging sometimes.
One day she had a psychotic episode at the very beginning of our therapy.
She shared her worries about seeing me as a "skeleton with a broken skull". She couldn`t get rid of that horrible image and was sharing her concerns with me. Working with grounding, breathing, and bringing her presence back to the therapy room I managed to calm her down, making the space safe again but really and truly I was petrified during that session until it finished... I was younger, and not an experienced therapist, but that situation allowed me to start to believe in my therapeutic skills even more. I was feeling all her fears, projected onto me, with the strength of a volcanic eruption, what is called "projective identification" in psychotherapy. From that particular moment, I knew, I didn`t need to be frightened (the fears weren`t mine) but present in the room and mindful of what was going on in that space.
What differentiates your professional "persona" from how you present in day-to-day life with family members or your close friends?
I am constantly observing myself, being aware of my inner processes. I can clearly see that my professional image is (and obviously must be) different from the day-to-day "Me". I am neutral while working with my clients and I am strongly connected to their inner worlds, being very patient and analytical while in psychotherapy. I don`t do that in my private life, I do not analyse too much. I am a transparent, vibrant and spontaneous human being, full of crazy ideas and dreams which are still awaiting to come true. I am sleeping in the forests, on the beaches, under the stars and I feel free to be crazy, I am not afraid to be "Me". People who know me the best couldn`t connect my "professional" persona to what they know about me. I love nature, dancing, and poetry; one moment I can be like a butterfly with all its beauty and delicacy, the next minute, like a strong and stable tree. I love music and I often sing the songs of my infancy; I dance with the Moon, and with the Stars I dream.
Where does your passion and fascination with group work come from?
I have always been a very sociable, extrovert, loving people`s company person. My greatest childhood memories come from the parties and events organized by my parents in my family home, where my Mum used to invite close and extended family members to spend quality time together. I remember Christmas Time with fifteen, or twenty people around, singing carols, playing music, performing or reciting poems. I could then feel a powerful energy of togetherness. I was always impressed by older family members' wisdom and awareness. Doing things together I learned a lot about life, I experienced my growth, and prepared myself to search for my life path.
Out of all your vast amount of training over twenty years is there any particular one you would highly recommend and why?
I should like to recommend the Modern Group Analysis Training which originates from New York Group Analytic Studies. As I mentioned before, I fell in love with Group Analytic work, thanks to my unforgettable teachers, supervisors, and trainers: Joseph Acosta and Joan Angel Coll. They are both still facilitating the training in Mallorca, but now it is even more accessible to everybody who speaks English, as all the tutorials, group work, and supervision are in English. I highly recommend the training to anybody who is seriously thinking about therapeutic group work. I learned an enormous amount from it. I met my great teachers and colleagues, psychotherapists, mental health dedicated workers, and Spanish psychiatrists in Mallorca. I also recommend body psychotherapy with Michael Randolph from “RADIX”- London. Michael works with groups (in English) in Laboratory of Psychoeducation in Poland and in other European countries. He is running five-day events for those who want to release emotional tension from the body in a very effective and powerful way.
Would you be able to rest and relax knowing you have accomplished all you wanted in this life, or is there still something you wish to achieve? How do you see your development and growth?
Nowadays, there is pressure to study, learn, and expand in every single profession. In psychotherapy, it is necessary to search for the best tools and techniques to help and support healing from mental health difficulties more efficiently; sometimes using bodywork, arts, music, psychodrama, or movement and dance, other times sticking to talking therapies. I am very keen on integration in my therapeutic work. I use whatever seems to fit the best to my client`s needs. Every single moment I learn a lot as life itself is our best teacher. Once you start on your psychotherapy journey, you can`t stop with your development anymore. I enjoy my studies, my PESI Education workshops, different pieces of training, CPD events, Masterclasses, and my Spiritual Work. I have never had enough knowledge, wisdom, and growth.
Would you be able to reflect on things you are very proud of?
I am very proud of my family. I heard stories from my father about the ancestors I never met, but thanks to his recordings I could read about them all. First, I read about Fryderyk Skarbek, my great great great uncle, who was a Godfather to Fryderyk Chopin. The second famous ancestor was Krystyna Skarbek (Christine Skarbek Granville), a Polish agent of the British Special Operations Executive during the Second World War. She was known as the "bravest of the brave", the "most glamorous spy" of the war time. Tragically, after the War was over already, she was stabbed to death in Kensington Shellbourne Hotel...
Not a long time ago, rather recently, I discovered something new, that shocked me in a very positive way. Searching for my ancestors, after my parents passed away, I was reading about the Skarbek’s family. I couldn`t believe my eyes, reading in Wikipedia about Andrzej Skarbek, who was a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, living in England for most of his life, from the time the Second World War ended. For many years of his career, he worked closely with Donald Winnicott. Thanks to the influence and inspiration for his friend’s work, Andrzej Skarbek became a psychiatrist himself. He was the one who introduced psychodynamic psychotherapy to NHS Services. Now I can understand better my passion and longing towards mental health work; "Transgenerational message" it is called. I remember the times, while being bored at school, I was reading Sigmund Freud`s books under my desk. His “Interpretation of Dreams”, “The Unconscious”, “The Essential of Psychoanalysis”... I was crazy about studying his theory from the age of nine, through my adolescent years until I became a new "Me" and immersed myself in psychotherapy.
What would your life look like if your dreams could become reality?
My life doesn’t seem to disappoint me anymore. I believe everything happened for me not to me and for the most challenging events there was always a reason. My happiness increased from the moment I decided to make radical life changes and I said “goodbye” to my old job, my old marriage, even to my country. I am moving in the direction of my dreams even still with challenges... My new psychodynamic psychotherapy profession gave me more purpose, more fulfilment, and fresh, unexpected inspiration. When I think about my dreams I visualise Crystal Balls Dance in front of my eyes and a colourful paraglide up in the Sky... I would love to have a chance to learn how to get the most beautiful melodies from Crystal Balls and organize retreats with lots of guided Meditations, Dance and Movement, Art and Music Therapy, Qui-Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga, Body Psychotherapy, Therapeutic Coaching; as I dream about Body, Mind and Spirit integration in absolute harmony...
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