Written by: Belkis Clarke-Mitcham, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The journey of healing and restoration after abuse, hurt, and betrayal can be brutal, but it is possible. You are not alone on your journey. Many women have gone before you, and many will walk alongside you. At Belkis Clarke LLC, we offer the resources available to help you on your journey.
Let's explore the topics of intimacy, sexuality, and boundary-setting after abuse, hurt, or betrayal. We will talk about the challenges and the victories. We will examine the emotions and practical steps of healing. Restoring intimacy after emotional pain is a process that takes time, but it is possible.
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy can be defined in many ways, but for our purposes, we will explain it as "a close relationship in which mutual trust and affection are exchanged" (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). When hurt by those closest to us, it can be challenging to trust again. It cannot be easy to let someone in. But it is possible to heal those wounds and have close, intimate relationships again.
The Process of Healing
Healing is a process that looks different for everyone. For some, the process is quick and relatively painless. For others, the process is long and arduous. There is no "right" way to heal. Your healing journey will be unique to you.
There are some common themes in the healing journey, however. The first step is often acknowledging the hurt that was done and recognizing that it was not your fault. This can be a difficult step because we often blame ourselves for the pain that was done to us. We may think that if we had only done X or Y differently, the hurt would not have happened. But the truth is, it was not your fault. The responsibility lies with the person who did the hurting.
The second step is grief work. This is the process of mourning the loss of what could have been had the hurt not happened. It is essential to allow yourself to feel all the feelings during this step to move through them and not get stuck.
Anger, sadness, regret, bitterness – all these emotions are valid and expected during this period. It is essential to express these emotions in healthy ways – through writing, talking with a friend, therapist or coach, or participating in a support group (to name a few).
The third step is forgiving yourself and then forgiving those who have hurt you. This does not mean that what they did was okay or that you forget what happened; instead, it means that you release yourself from the anger and pain that they caused you so that you can move on with your life without letting them have power over you any longer.
The fourth step is setting healthy boundaries with yourself and others. This step looks different for everyone because we all have different comfort levels regarding intimacy – physical, emotional, and spiritual. Knowing your limits and comfort levels is essential to communicate those limits to others. If someone disrespecting your boundaries feels uncomfortable, that person may not be safe for you. You deserve healthy relationships with people who respect your limits.
Reconnect to sexuality
It is essential to pay attention to what triggers you.
Figure out what coping mechanisms work for you. You can explore therapy, coaching, mindfulness, meditation, etc.
Touch is an essential part of connecting with other people. Reminding yourself of the good feelings that accompany it can help you reconnect and feel more secure in your relationships.
Sexual trauma can lead to increased negative body image or, even worse, disregard for your safety. Get help as soon as possible.
Surround yourself with people who are body positive in both the digital and physical world.
There's one truth: You deserve to be at peace and feel worthy of who you are
Get in the habit of having an emergency plan in case you get too triggered around friends, at work or when you're getting intimate. This can help prevent you from spiraling.
It is usual for your idea of what feels pleasurable to change after a traumatic event. Be open-minded about what intimacy looks like to you as you move forward.
Communicate with your partner about what makes you feel good, your boundaries, and how you want to keep things moving.
Dating
Dating is a very time-consuming practice that lets you know the surface-level facts about someone. It's not until you do some deeper digging that you realize what they're all about. This takes time. One of the best ways to get to know someone is through sharing our past experiences.
If you're able, you'll need to talk about your good and bad experiences to understand one another better. They may be reticent and hesitant at first, but hopefully, they see that you have their back when they're ready, and you will know they have yours. The more you and your romantic partner are aware of each other's pasts, the more comfortable you will feel around each other.
If you don't like how you are being treated, speak up and let the other person know. Be kind to yourself; this will help you build the foundation for effective communication. Communication goes both ways; if you are in a toxic situation, walk away.
If you don't feel good about the new partner and they make you feel bad, step back and assess how you genuinely feel. Even if it seems small, subtle transgressions by people can indicate that they don't care about your feelings. Listen to yourself and stay away if necessary.
We usually ignore and forgive many of the red flags that pop up or questionable things that are done to us in the beginning stages of a relationship. Feelings and intuition are usually good things to follow. Intuition is our body reacting to a stimulus before our brain and feelings can react. More often than not, they're right and can help you quickly recognize that something is wrong. Listen to your gut feeling more; it's better than following just your brain.
Take Your Time
It can be challenging to start being intimate with someone new after having past trauma. However, don't rush yourself and give it time - you deserve love as much as anyone else. The process can be challenging but reimagining how you view your sexuality in the light of a healthy relationship can lead to exciting discoveries. Through the challenges, it is worth considering getting help. We at Belkis Clarke LLC would be happy to work with you on making your next best step.
The journey of healing after abuse, hurt, or betrayal can be difficult, but it is possible. You are not alone in this journey. There are people and resources available to help you on your way. Exploring topics such as intimacy, sexuality, and boundary-setting after abuse, hurt, or betrayal can help normalize some challenges while providing hope for the future. Restoring intimacy after abuse, hurt, or betrayal requires time but ultimately allows for closer, healthier relationship.
Belkis Clarke-Mitcham, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Belkis is a captivating, insightful Communication Trainer, Empowerment Expert, Catalytic Life Coach, and International Speaker who possesses a unique gift of delivering messages that transform lives that echo long after she leaves the stage. Her inspirational, power packed delivery leaves her audience in awe.
After her experience with childhood sexual abuse and later domestic violence, belkis researched extensively and developed strategies to truly live a happy and exceptional life after emotional hurt and turmoil. She has since dedicated her life to helping other women thrive after abuse and emotional pain, rebuild their self-confidence and purpose, make better decisions and learn to speak up for themselves and communicate effectively.
She is CEO of Belkis Clarke LLC and Reaching Beyond Your Now™ with clients across the globe. A dynamic and sought-after speaker/trainer Belkis has delivered at St. Eustatius government functions, St. Maarten National Youth Council, The University of the Southern Caribbean, Nagico Insurance, Churches, Schools retreats, conferences, and seminars globally. She is the author of the book Girl, you are overthinking it! How to step out of negative thoughts and jumpstart a new way of thinking. She has co-hosted a series and done live coaching on the radio show Meet the Elite and hosts Wednesday Wisdom on Z95 (95.5 FM in Corpus Christi, Texas). Her mission is to see women genuinely know themselves beyond negative experiences and live the kind of lives they do not want to escape from.
