Written by: Preeti Mistry, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a relationship mindset transformation coach, I focus on a specific area of dating and relationships- that of the mindset of those that are single, in their 30’s and above, feel like they are in a rut, yet deeply wish to be in a happy, healthy, romantic relationship. Many a time I feel that when we hear about mindset, the focus is on usually on goals related to career, finance or some purpose related goal. But rarely do we pay attention to our thoughts, feelings and beliefs with it comes to finding love.
As we all know, the mind is a powerful tool that if used correctly can work for us instead of against us. Tuning in to our thoughts and feelings with regards to finding love are important indicators of the energy we will be bringing into the situation from the start.
According to psychological studies and theory, what we believe deep down in our subconscious mind, even if we are unaware of what those thoughts are, will operate like a broken tape recorder on repeat impacting our emotions and consequently the way we act and behave. Those behaviors/attitudes will be drawing in experiences that reinforce that subconscious belief or our internal map of how we see things. And if these thoughts or beliefs are negative, that can be a problem.
So, in order to break this cycle, it is vital to first become aware of these thoughts and start to change them to those that serve us and are more empowering. Having a therapist or a coach can greatly assist in this area. Therefore, discovering these hidden inner beliefs that may be sabotaging us from finding the right relationship is definitely worth exploring.
What is your relationship mindset?
So, what is it that we are really feeling with regards to love and being in a relationship before we even begin the search? And where do those thoughts and images of what a relationship should be like or will be like even come from? Are they authentically yours or are they conditioned beliefs?
If you are single and are searching for the one, whether it be through dating apps, meetups, singles events, etc., what is the predominant feelings and thoughts that come up? Are they positive or negative? Does it feel possible or impossible? Are you already viewing the dating process as an array of disappointment or opportunity? Do you feel worthy of a loving relationship or is there a part of you that feels you don’t deserve it?
If you discover that any of these thoughts are on a negative frequency, that is what needs to change. For example, it could be that your perception of a relationship is negative because growing up you witnessed the dysfunctional relationship of your parents, or maybe you know a lot of friends who speak negatively about being in a marriage and are in the midst of a messy divorce.
Or perhaps you yourself have experienced a traumatic relationship in the past. Wherever that belief stems from, whether it’s from the experience of others or your own, it’s important to realize that it’s not your story or it need not be your story anymore. You have the pen in your hand to create and write your own life experiences. And for every story that is showing you what you don’t want in a relationship, think of three that do. Focusing your attention on what you do want will start to draw more of these experiences to you.
So what are four tips we can use to help ourselves gain more clarity in the initial stages of dating and set a more empowering mindset?
1. First, ask yourself what does a relationship mean to you?
Answer this question for yourself authentically in terms of what would be it’s purpose in your life. How would you like it to unfold? What would this relationship look like years down the line? What are your desires, needs and core values, and what would your contribution to the relationship be? Try and detach yourself from what you may have seen in media, family, friends etc. and honestly answer this in a way that is true to you.
2. Second, why do you want to be in a relationship and how passionate do you feel about being in one?
As with many things, our “why” is super important because it serves as an intrinsic motivator to accomplishing dreams and goals in our life. How is being with the one you love going to positively impact your life? What will be the ripple effects of it? I like using the word “passionate” because when we feel passionate about something in our lives, it drives us in that direction. Similarly, if a relationship is in alignment with who you really are, you will intrinsically feel an enthusiasm towards it and want to do whatever it takes to build a beautiful, loving, healthy one.
3. Third, know your love language and dating language.
Most of you may have heard of the love languages already, but in case you haven’t, according to Gary Chapman, there are 5 main love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, and quality time. In addition to knowing your love languages, it is also important to understand what I like to call your “dating language” by which I mean the things you would need in the initial stages of dating to make you feel like seeing the other person again. Initially when we meet someone, we are not in love with them yet, so what are those qualities that make someone a “yes”, “no”, or “maybe”. For example, is it physical attraction that initially draws you to them, or is it their amazing communication skills? Maybe it’s their sense of humor, or willingness to be vulnerable that attracts you. Or maybe it’s a compatibility of values and beliefs? Get clear on what those qualities were that made you decide one way or another.
4. And fourthly, remember to communicate this and be observant.
Understanding yourself, your values, and needs is one aspect, but unless you communicate it to the other and become curious about them, they will not begin to understand you, nor will you begin to understand them. Something I have been asked often on dates is “What are you looking for?” What a great opportunity to relay your intentions and communicate what a relationship means to you. And don’t forget to be curious and ask back!
When it comes to being observant, always watch who the other person is showing you they are and pay attention to what you are feeling inside. Do their actions and words line up? How are they treating you? How do they treat others? What does your intuition say? Observe all of this.
Final Words
So, before you rush into another date in the future, make sure you pause to reflect and ask yourself these important questions. We sometimes complain that others don’t understand us, but how well do you understand yourself? When you start to unpack and go deeper within yourself, sometimes it’s not always easy. However, if we don’t take time to know ourselves better, how can we expect others to automatically understand us? As you go through this incredible journey of discovery, remember to have patience and compassion for yourself as well as others.
If you are someone who is currently dating and would like to date more intentionally and consciously, I encourage you to download my complimentary workbook called Discover Your Dating Language Workbook here.
If you have been single for some time and desire to be in a relationship, or feel like you are in an endless dating cycle and are ready to dive deeper into this matter, I am offering a 1:1, one hour complimentary discovery session. Click here to book a call and embark on a journey to make a change once and for all.
Want to learn more from Preeti? Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin or visit her website.
Preeti Mistry, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Preeti Mistry is a Jay Shetty Certified Coach who focuses on single, young professionals and entrepreneurs who want to be in a healthy, meaningful, and lasting relationship. Through her 1:1 coaching service, she helps them uncover and overcome their hidden inner resistance to finding love so that they feel empowered to put their best self forward and can dare to create the love life they desire.
Her chosen niche as a relationship mindset transformation coach was inspired by her own struggles in this area and by noticing that this was a common problem that plagued many she knew as well. After her own transformational journey of overcoming limiting beliefs and aligning better with her true authentic self, Preeti is on a mission to help and empower those that truly want to be in a relationship break out of a rut and unleash their best self in love.
Preeti has had the opportunity and privilege of participating on a panel hosted by the American India Foundation SF as a relationship mindset transformation coach with the crew of the Netflix series Indian Matchmaking. She has also appeared as a guest on various podcasts talking about topics related to mindset, dating, relationships, spirituality and manifestation. In addition, she is the founder of the Relationship Mindset club on Clubhouse which offers tremendous value and is continuing to grow. Preeti is also a general dentist, and loves to paint, travel, dance, and spend time in nature.
Preeti’s purpose and vision is to help create a world where we focus more on our possibilities instead of our impossibilities so that we are more in tune with creating a life that is aligned with our deepest desires and can experience the joy and fulfillment we are meant to in this life.
