Written by: Antonio Esposito, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I've read about it, written about it, studied it and taught it. I will continue to do so as long as I have air in my lungs.
Forgiveness. We all know how difficult it is to forgive. We all have something to forgive and be forgiven for, and we all have something we should forgive ourselves FOR, but we tend to struggle.
We live our lives holding grudges. Grudges towards those who did us wrong, and often towards ourselves for the mistake we have done, for the hurt we've inflicted and for the pain we've caused.
One way or another, this must be stopped, and I hope that what I am writing here can move some of you to do something and change the way you see yourself and the wrongdoers in your life.
The false belief about forgiveness
When you think about the word forgiveness, I am sure the first thing you experience is mental, physical and emotional resistance.
You might hold the common belief that forgiveness means forgetting or condoning the wrongdoing. You might feel something like: "if I forgive…(fill the blank)", I am accepting what has been done wrong to me as right.
Even worse, if you think about forgiving yourself for something, you will feel like you will diminish the amount of pain and guilt you deserve to experience for what you have done, and this is in itself wrong.
Living your life believing that forgiveness is tolerating the wrong and accepting as if it was something right to do, is not what I am asking you to do here.
When something is wrong, it is wrong, and this is my point.
Once something wrong is done, it is done, but if you're sick and tired of being sick and tired of feeling the pain about something that you cannot fix anyway, well, keep reading.
What forgiveness is
Forgiveness is a firm decision to accept that what is done can never be changed. No matter how bad it was, not you and not anyone else can press a rewind button and avoid what has been done.
That can only happen in the movies, not in real life.
Forgiveness is the conscious decision to overcome the pain inflicted by another person or yourself. It means letting go of the grudge, the shame, the anger and all those destructive emotions associated with an injustice you've done or experienced, even though all those feelings are absolutely reasonable and legit.
Forgiveness is an emotional change that must occur within us; it's an inner work we must do consciously by dropping all the accusations against ourselves and/or someone else and moving on.
We have to accept that the only thing we can do with all that pain we hold is to use it as a learning tool to live our present and build our future.
“I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It’s a gift you give yourself.” ‒T.D. Jakes
I am sorry if you were waiting for a magic pill to take that would all of a sudden clean your heart of all the poison you're carrying. If there were a magic secret, I would have given it to everyone, myself included, but there isn't
The only possible thing to do is to drop all the charges and move on.
Three people that you must forgive
If you want to start to see some changes in your life, you need to do something.
There are trillions of articles, books, and gurus, telling you all that you should or should not be doing to have a better life. However, people still complain that nothing works, and you know why?
Because people generally don’t act upon what they read, study or watch. Knowledge is power only if you use it. If you don't, it remains just that: knowledge and knowledge alone can’t change the world; actions can!
Forgive your parents
No matter how hard it is, you have to forgive your parents if you want to break free from pain. Whether they are still alive or not, you must forgive them.
Forgiveness is an emotional change that occurs within the person who has been wronged. Forgiveness can happen without ever speaking to the wrongdoer, so if you are holding a grudge towards one of both of your parents, you must forgive them.
BUT they did this…but they are like this, but, but…
In the end, it doesn't matter what your reasoning is...
If you want to live a more peaceful existence, you must forgive your parents and accept that what they did to you, was the best they could.
If you believe their intention was evil, well still, you can't change anything about it now.
At least they are the reason why you are here in this world, and you should be grateful for just that, no matter how messed up your life may be right now.
If you are lucky enough to still have your parents with you (I don't, unfortunately), have the courage to talk to them.
Trust me, if you don't forgive your parents, even if now you are as old as fifty, you are still acting out as a child, as a victim of what had been done to you.
You will never grow to be an adult, and if you don't forgive them before they die, it can haunt you for the rest of your life.
Significant relationships
We all have friendships, marriages, love relationships that have gone wrong. Because of our fault or theirs, we all have messed up relationships that have left us with bitter feelings in our hearts.
Intimate relationships can have a super intense emotional attachment to them. So painful that we can feel as if they are threatening our self-esteem and self-worth, to the point that we could be angry and unforgiving toward those people for the rest of our lives.
So, where to start? Start by taking responsibility for those relationships. No matter how right or wrong you think you are, you were at least partially responsible for the outcome you experienced or the problems you both experienced.
Have the courage, the strength and the integrity to say, "I was responsible too", and then forgive the other person and let them go.
Is it difficult? You bet it is, but you can do it.
Say the words, "I forgive him/her for everything, and I wish him/her well".
Each time you repeat this, with a strong willingness to improve your life's quality and be free from pain, the negative emotion attached to the memory will diminish, and the pain slowly will disappear.
Forgive Yourself
I hope you didn't think I forgot to include you in this vast life-changing process, did you?
You are the first and probably the most important person to forgive.
You can't do to others what you cannot do to yourself.
So, it would help if you stopped carrying this huge bag full of past mistakes over your shoulders. That was you then, and this is you NOW!
I don't want you to be complacent toward yourself; I want you to reflect.
You are not the same person you were 3, 10 or 20 years ago, and at that time, you were a different person, younger and surely less experienced than now. So, please, for your sake, stop beating yourself up about something that occurred a long time ago and that you cannot change anyway.
Just say, "I forgive myself for every mistake I ever made".
Don't just say it. Mean it.
I know it feels impossible right now, but it will never become possible until you repeat it to yourself.
Whenever the thoughts bring you back to that awful past, and trust me, it will happen, keep repeating to yourself, "I forgive myself completely", then focus on the future rather than the past.
Focus your attention on where you are going rather than where you have been.
If the cause of your pain is something you did to someone else, go to them, write them a letter, call them. With strength, courage and a hefty dose of humility, apologise.
Whatever their reaction is, it doesn't matter.
Again, forgiveness is inner work.
The very act of repentance, of expressing regret for something that cannot be fixed anymore, will set you free.
Don't get me wrong, forgiveness hurts. I am not sure how many of you even finished reading my words, but if you did, at least you have the intention to give it a try.
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ‒ Paul Boose
Peace,
Antonio
If you've enjoyed this article, I would like to know more about your insights and breakthroughs from reading it; then, if you're are up to the challenge of mastering your Emotional Intelligence, bringing your life to the next level; book now a one-to-one 30-minute FREE Consultation with me!
Antonio Esposito, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Antonio is a Life Performance Coach, a Mentor, and an NLP Practitioner certified expert in the field of Emotional Intelligence and Eating Psychology.
Moved to the United Kingdom from Italy in 2006, after enjoying 20+ years of experience in the corporate world as a senior web and graphic designer, Antonio is now the CEO and Founder of TheThinkingMind Coaching Ltd, a United Kingdom-based firm specialising in offering Coaching, Training and Personal Development services.
Antonio's mission is to change the world one person at a time.
Antonio's target is to facilitate the transformation of all those harmful and destructive mental processes by discovering one's inner self.
Through Life Coaching, Personal Development and Behavioural Psychology techniques, Antonio enables individuals to master their Emotional Intelligence and, through a set of empowering, transformative, and life-changing strategies and actions, help, support and motivate people in achieving their most important goals.
Antonio has a unique perspective on personal growth and happiness.
He is recognised for his ability to lead others to maximise their full potential through living a life of purpose, balance and significance.
Since 2017, Antonio is also a member of the prestigious team of Mentors at The Coaching Academy, where he has coached and mentored hundreds of students worldwide to successfully complete their training journey as Professional Certified Life and Executive Business coaches.
