Written by: Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We have read and learnt a lot about forgiveness. How to forgive our spouses and how to forgive others when they offend us. The interest of this piece is not to help or educate one another on how to forgive others, it is centered on how to forgive self.
Whether you are the offender or the offended, there will be a time when you will seriously need to consider forgiving yourself. It doesn’t matter if your spouse has forgiven you or not, self-forgiveness is very important for your sanity and the sanity of your marriage. Self-forgiveness frees you from the bondage of your mistakes, errors and your past.
I liken forgiveness to the first aid kit. Injuries can happen anywhere at any time, and having a first aid kit can help to prevent an injury from getting worse. You and your spouse are independent individuals who like and view things and ideas differently. Therefore, it is normal that, whether intentional or not, you will step on your spouse’s toes.
The injuries caused on your spouse have a direct impact on you and your marriage. Other than your spouse’s forgiveness, your self-forgiveness is vital for the going concern of your marriage. Allow me to stress that self-forgiveness does not only apply when you are the offender, it also applies when you are offended.
Learn to practice self-forgiveness more often. Understand the importance, learn the art and trust the process.
Why Should You Forgive Yourself
You need it
You need your forgiveness for your own sanity. Your spouse may not have forgiven you, so do not top it up by holding on as well. This gives you peace and a free mind to move forward. Holding on can create self-resentment. Just because you are battling with something does not necessarily make you a bad person/spouse. Every person has issues, no matter how good one can be, it’s possible to mess up.
Remember that you are the biggest cheerleader of yourself. No matter what others and the world can say and think about you, you are the ultimate decider of your life. Therefore, choose peace, love and kindness towards yourself.
Your spouse needs it
It is very toxic to live with a person who cannot move on. Whatever state your spouse may be in, they need you to be sane and move on. If you don’t forgive yourself, your spouse may find themselves in a situation where they have to continuously soothe you. That is tiring!
There is more to life other than soothing someone holding on to what they didn’t do right. Even if your spouse is still pained by your actions, you can only hold them better if you actually forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself does not entail that you become arrogant when your spouse is still in the healing process. It means that you accept your shortcoming and you have made a decision that your future or the future of your marriage won’t be dictated by those shortcomings.
Your marriage needs it
Your marriage is in your hands. The future of your marriage and its success is dependent on you and your actions. Holding on to your shortcomings may mean putting your marriage on hold. Marriage is an everyday, every hour, and every minute kind of institution.
Your marriage won’t wait on you. Every opportunity you have to create a gap in marriage, surely that gap will be created. It will require you more energy and time to mend that gap than it required you to create it. Be sure not to leave your marriage and its success to chance. Because ‘chance’ has no brain to think and no power to undo the damage.
You may have messed up, but that may not even be the reason that kills your marriage. What may actually kill your marriage are your actions after that mess. Be wise, open your eyes, open your mind and most of all, be open to save your marriage.
How to Forgive Yourself
Accept that you are in a mess
Don’t try to make yourself clean or try to look clean, accept you are in it. You can’t turn back the clock, the deed has been done. This is your current position. Accept you are not free from error and that you can only be saved by grace not through manipulation.
There is no need to blame others for your own shortcoming. That is an act of a weak character, see your input in that mess other than other people’s input. If you have a tendency to remove yourself from the error, it simply means that you are not ready to work through your weakness.
It is not your spouse’s fault that you messed up, not your friends’, not your boss’, not your neighbors’ and not even your upbringing. You are a fully grown up individual who makes decisions on your own. So, stop entangling others.
Don’t avoid guilty
It’s okay to feel guilty, it’s part of the process. Guilty is actually a good indicator that you are remorseful of your actions. As long as it does not make you feel like you are a bad person who cannot change.
Guilty should however have a life span, you cannot be guilty for your actions your whole life. That is toxic! The purpose of forgiveness is to eliminate negative outcomes such as guilt. Go through the process but do not remain in the process forever.
Take Responsibility
It is not enough to accept your shortcoming, take responsibility. See how you can reduce the damage caused by your actions. Your marriage requires that you avoid any avoidable damage. And if you were unable to avoid it, at least see how you can reduce it.
Seek help if you should, pay for the consequences if need be and work for a better tomorrow by working on your weaknesses. It is bad manners to joy in your weaknesses. You cannot say “this is how I am, this is how I was brought up.” You are a whole grown up being with a functional brain and you have an ability to make necessary changes for your marriage.
Humble Yourself
Ask for Forgiveness
When you error or mess up, there is a high chance that you would have stepped on someone’s toes, your spouse inclusive. Asking for forgiveness is not a weakness, it is a strength that many do not have. Swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness, you need that forgiveness.
This does not remove or eliminate the wrong. It doesn’t even take away your responsibility. It works on your pride and humility. Trust the process, build your marriage.
Accept the Result
Asking for forgiveness does not auto guarantee forgiveness. Understand that you can only ask, your spouse will decide whether or not to forgive you. Even when you think and feel that you actually deserve forgiveness, the decision is not yours to make.
Allowing others to make their own judgment and decision may not be easy but it is important. Your spouse may also be going through the process after the damage, and should be allowed time to heal. You are not the only person involved so try not to be selfish.
Forgive Your spouse if They can’t forgive You
Yes, you read that right! Some damages may not be acceptable by your spouse and they can decide not to forgive you. No matter how that makes you feel, do not try to revenge. You cannot correct a wrong act with another wrong act. This should not even stop you from forgiving yourself. It should not also make you hold on to the guilt.
Release your spouse from the burden of trying to forgive you. Forgive them and have peace within you. This does not give you a passport to stop trying to make it work. Where there is a will, there is a way. There is still hope as long as there is life.
Be love smart, be marriage smart
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Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ethel Hagonka Daka is a marriage coach, Writer, and founder of Vinthel marriage solutions. Ethel is driven by her passion, mission and vision to see better marriages and fulfilled spouses.
She is dedicated to helping couples be drivers of their own marriages other than them being passengers.
Through coaching and writing, Ethel helps spouses and couples to master their marriages so as to experience fulfilment even as they journey in the art of love and commitment towards one another.
She is a stronger believer that marriage is beautiful, can be made better and enjoyable provided that spouses apply the necessary ingredients.
