Written by: Katherine Vilnrotter, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I was all tee-ed up to write my next “… Explored” article, had my outline all ready, was excited about getting into it, when… BAM! I had a miscarriage. And my world stopped.
The family my husband and I were planning, growing, and loving was halted in an instant. That grief, shock, and horror were more than I can express in words. However, what came next was shocking and nothing less than terrifying. The initial mucus clot that came out was not the full miscarriage, as I had naively assumed. Two days later I started having cramps that kept getting worse and worse, about a hundred times worse than menstrual cramps and then the 5 hours of intense, heavy bleeding! Was I dying?! Could I possibly be in this much pain and lose this much blood and be ok?! So I called my doctor and she was incredible. She walked me through the whole thing, what to expect, when to get worried, what pain meds to take, etc. So I got through the physical ordeal and survived. Wow.
In the days following this horrendous experience, I started thinking and reflecting. I started feeling angry. I was completely blindsided by the whole thing. I realized how uneducated I was about my own body and how it worked. Why didn’t I know what happened in a miscarriage? Why don’t we talk about it? Because it’s graphic and painful? Because it makes people uncomfortable? Maybe. Then why did I see a video of childbirth when I was in middle school, which went into excruciating detail about the birthing process, but they couldn’t take one class to bring up miscarriage and explain it a little more? Given how common they are, it would make sense to at least bring up the topic in school (about 25% of pregnancies result in miscarriage!).
Once the shock of the experience faded a bit, I started talking to women in my life. It turns out, almost everyone I spoke to had either had a miscarriage themselves or knew several people who had. And many of them had several! The next big shock was learning how few of them had talked about what they went through! I cannot imagine going through such an experience without ever talking about it. The more women I talked to, the more stories of pregnancy loss. It was everywhere. And my heart broke for every one of them. Each one of them felt what I felt to some degree, and in their own way. It was quite powerful to connect with these women and hear their stories.
I felt angry for the women who didn’t feel safe enough to talk about it.
I felt sad for all the untold stories, the missed opportunities for connection and healing through shared experience.
And I felt instantly compelled to share my story and experience.
What if the miscarriage was something that we could all talk about together, understand together, and heal from together? Maybe I would have known what to expect and it might have not been so terrifying. Maybe all those women who suffered alone wouldn’t have needed to.
My hope is that maybe my story can help someone feel a little bit safer talking about their experience, and maybe encourage some healthy open discussion and co-learning about the topic.
The emotions…
To me, it feels like I am mourning the loss of every pregnancy, every baby, every child ever lost throughout time. It comes in waves, and it is completely overwhelming. I feel an instant connection to all women who have ever gone through this very specific experience. And I want to give each one of you a giant hug! No one is alone in this experience.
My processing…
I wrote a poem to help me process and express what’s in my heart as I heal from this experience. I wrote this poem for all women who have ever lost a child at any stage – from a bloody clump of cells to a fully developed person.
I hope reading this article and poem helps. If you or someone you know wants to talk about a miscarriage experience, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I would be honored to witness your story and make sure you know you’re not alone. (katherinelovecure@gmail.com)
For all the women…
The ebb and flow
The to and fro
Of life and death
Of pause and breath
Of what once was
And now is gone
The love I had
Is still not gone
The love I had
For you is here
Although you’re far
You’ll still be near
You’re part of me
Flow through my bones
My heart is still
For yours alone
My love for you
Will stay with me
Helping me
To really see
The love for you
Is love for me
I'm learning now
To walk and be
With nothing there
To stop me still
But join again
To have the thrill
Of loving, laughter
Light the spark
The power of
creation’s dark
Has led my hand
and felt its spark
Inside the deepest hour
Of what I know
And how I feel
The love I have
For you is real
Though you’re not here
You're not with me
Here nor there
My soul’s to be
I know my love
For me, you’ll share
To speak our story
Do I dare?
To tell the depths
Of what I bear
The ones who’ve known
The hurt I share
Will feel it deep
Until I dare
To write the poem
with time to spare
Untold beneath
the womb so bare
I've died again
with you
A timeless time
An ageless age
Engage your voice
To break the cage
For one for all
Who’ve ever sulked
Quiet, lonely, and undone
Through bone and blood
An empty drum
My love’s still here
For you
A spaceless space
A nameless face
We’ve spoken then
Before embrace
I’ve told you
Of my love for you
In spite of
Timeless choosing
The story that
I’ve come to share
Is mine and yours
Together bear
Of all the voices
Woven through
With mine for me
And yours for you
I’m here to shine
A light, my dear,
Please lend
Attention,
thoughts and care
My story’s dark
And full of fear
It's lonely, hurting
Hard to hear
The graves are full
Our wombs with chill
The aching
And the knowing
Of what was meant
Will be, you see
Among the sullen
Wreckage
The hopes we had
A shattered scab
An open wound
An unsung tune
The pain to have
The strength to cry
Among the hopeless
Wreckage
My body aches
My soul it breaks
The love for you
Is empty
An uncried cry
A tearless eye
So numb in times
And others break
With waves
Of darkness
All consume
Until the very
Depths of you
The unborn child
With pain that’s vile
It burns at every
Surface
From not within
Not born in sin
The innocent
The born within
The times of heartache
Cries again
The clump of cells
The blood with bells
Contractions screams
The heart it tells
The emptiness
Of loss to share
The tiny, lifeless
Body there
She’s lost again
As time ensnares
The whispers
Of the unborn
Child
The purest love
The clearest trials
The spark of life
That did not take
Will tell the tale
My heart to break
All women through
Ages and times
Who cried alone
Like holy mimes
The pain inside
Ungraced, unshined
Have died alone
Together
The crown of thorns
The crown of blood
With flow and clump
Another plug
With writhing pain
Adorned with shame
Our dirty little secret
The time has come
To shine a light
To speak the words
That gave us fright
To tell the tales
To sing the chords
The quiet lasts
No longer
It’s not a sin
Our world within
Has crumbled
Here before us
Her unsung song
And unbreathed breath
Is waiting still
Before us
The ebb and flow
The to and fro
The lying there
As blood it flows
Entangled with
The sands of time
What’s yours is yours
And mine is mine
The child that
Was once to be
Is not for you
And not for me
We’ll meet again
One day I’m told
Beyond the veil
In light of gold
The more we talk
The more we tell
Of loss and pain
Our own true hell
The more we hold
To hope and light
To help us then
Get through the night
To take each others
Hands and hearts
Joining now
The rain can start
To wash away
The pain and hurt
Together now
Our strength
Will burst
With silence done
Now voice can take
A long and slow
A deep embrace
The voice we have
to heal the pain
sharing, singing
love again
The to and fro
The ebb and flow
It’s time to
Start again
I know
The telling of
my tale
has helped
me wash away
and deeply scrub
the insides and
the darkest pain
helping me
to love again
to open wide
see what’s inside
my heart is clear
and free
my love for you
will never die
although I’m sad
and sometimes cry
the joy I felt
the love we shared
is here with me
forever
the gift of life
of joining hearts
will bear new breath
and grow our hearts
with love and time
our voices shine
loving
joyous
and sublime.
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Katherine Vilnrotter, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Katherine Vilnrotter, of The Love Cure, is a mental and emotional wellness practitioner, entrepreneur, and author. After surviving a life-shattering sexual assault while serving in the Peace Corps, Katherine spent the next 11 years healing her brain, body and energy system. When the mental health system in the US was convinced that she would always have PTSD, she wasn’t. Suffering through almost 5 years of full-blown PTSD, searching for answers and learning about what she was experiencing, she finally found the Human Givens approach. After 1 Human Givens rewind session, she could feel something shift in her brain and over the following months, she witnessed her world expand in ways she never thought possible. Now a Human Givens practitioner herself (and fully PTSD free and thriving), Katherine continues to further her healing in new and deeper ways, exploring and discovering new healing tools. Katherine is passionate about sharing the healing tools that helped her heal herself and guide her clients through their own healing journey. Her two main practices are the Human Givens approach and energy harmonizing (a modality she developed using energetic and vibrational tools such as BioGeometry, sound, meditation and brain/body connection). Through Katherine’s continued education and self-healing, she is uniquely equipped to meet clients where they are, and guide them through their own healing.
