Written by: Jacia Kornwise, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Have you ever heard about the idea of marrying yourself? It might sound corny to you or over-simplistic and cliche. Still, if we focused more on learning to love, honour, and commit to and obey ourselves in good times and bad ones, things would turn out quite differently when we finally say yes to another at the altar. In today’s world, we would benefit if we understood the primary relationship to dedicate oneself to is the one we have with ourselves. I am not talking about an overindulgent “me” mentality based on the idea that I get what I want without compromises. It’s more stemming from the statistical fact that as of 2023, the rate for 1st marriage divorces is hovering around 50 per cent globally.
Interestingly enough, the highest education level for women decreases divorce rates. In my case, though, this still didn’t make a difference as I certainly did not know who I was when I turned 26, even with a graduate degree in psychology.
Although there are many reasons for this, Statistically speaking, the highest-rated reason for ending marriages at a whopping 75 per cent is “a lack of commitment.”(Source: It’s Over Easy) We are often programmed to commit to another person before we even understand who we are or what we value, need, and want. Today, the younger generation has different expectations around success with relationships based on what they are experiencing. We have been shown that those who marry at an extremely young age are far more likely to file for divorce after ten years, counted up to 48 per cent. While divorce rates have skyrocketed over the last 30 years, the rate of filing for divorce for the generation of 65 plus has significantly increased. I suspect there is much more acceptance now, and so many who have lived unhappily for decades are no longer putting up with mistreatment or misaligned hearts.
So, returning to learning to love ourselves and marry ourselves is a path more people find necessary to take seriously. Self-care and Self-love are the new tag words for a growth mindset and personal wellness foundation. How would you feel if you received an elaborate invitation to your soul's wedding? About a year after my divorce at 26, I received precisely this. In my dream, I received a wedding invitation from my soul, telling me about my upcoming wedding. It was a detailed invitation asking me to fully unite my bride and groom. It shook me to the core and made my quest to develop tools for myself and those around me to start taking the need to love ourselves as seriously as we need to eat or go to the bathroom. It is a dire necessity, not something we should put on the back burner because of our career goals or ticking clocks.
Here are five insights to deepen your quest for union within.
Find out how to please yourself emotionally. Do you know how to make yourself feel loved? What is your love language? If you began saying the things to yourself you want to hear or doing the things you wanted others to do for you, can you even receive your love, or do you dismiss it? Unearth the places you ask others to fulfil for you and do the inner work to repair needs that still need to be provided. Until you learn to give yourself this inner nourishment, no one’s love will be enough to fill a hole.
Listen to Your Body - Daily, ask yourself if you loved your body, touched it, or listened to its needs. So many of us feel our body's needs are too much, so we either stop listening to our signals and check out or get overwhelmed. Learning to trust our bodies and listen to their wisdom is difficult. It is, however, something we can re-learn. Most of us, somewhere along the line, have accepted touch that didn’t align or even mistreatment. Even if we can't remember this happening, if we are out of integrity with our body's care, we likely learned this somewhere. Whether we overfeed or underfeed, over-exercise and push or altogether leave our bodies and become sluggish, eat poorly or excessively disciplined, these extremes come from somewhere. Developing conscious daily practices that we love and find meaningful are game-changers.
Take Yourself where you want to go. Don’t depend on someone else to make your life fun or exciting. Develop a new understanding of what lights you up and makes you tick. Expecting someone else to entertain you by making your life enjoyable is a set-up for failure. Take the time to date yourself. Do that adventure, eat at that restaurant, Go out to that show you have wanted to see. Dress up in the clothes in your closet you keep wanting to wear but are waiting for the right time and occasion. You are the occasion, so make the time. Take that course, earn that degree, and return and do the program you wanted. You are worth it, and no one else can get you there.
Become Emotionally Responsive to your inner cues - We can't expect others to understand our emotional needs if we aren’t responding to ourselves and learning to communicate. When we talk rudely to ourselves or criticise ourselves, our bodies and minds react. We need to set boundaries to only speak to ourselves in ways we would talk to someone we love. It is a severe spiral of negativity in relationships until we take responsibility for our unconscious self-talk and patterns. Spend time daily doing affirmations in the mirror to change your way of speaking to yourself and responding to your emotional heart.
Visualise the type of person you want to be in a relationship with; as we can imagine, we are opening possibilities to attract. The more we allow ourselves to be kind to ourselves, the more we can choose the relationships we accept into our lives. While in your singledom, practice giving and receiving by being that person you want to attract. The more you allow yourself to stay conscious and aware of every choice you make in all your relational connections, the more you will have love around you and settle for nothing less than an absolute yes for your next romantic choice. We are constantly in relationships and can practice love everywhere if we allow ourselves to show up fully.
As a Master Embodied Soul Coach working for over three decades and a serious student of self-love and acceptance, I have developed many tools I offer myself and my coaching clients to dive deeply into learning to stop abandoning themselves to be loved and fall deeply in love mind, body, heart and soul with themselves. Many find their “person” soon after and those who choose singledom are significantly happier than they have ever felt and learned their focus is in a different direction.
No matter whether you are happily ever after with your beloved or struggling, these steps are great ones to check yourself on. We all could use more support to transform our emotional and physical experiences into positively transformed connections. Click here.
Jacia Kornwise, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jacia Kornwise ( a.k.a. Jill) is a Master Embodied Soul Coach, Transformational Experience Facilitator, Inspirational and TEDx Speaker, and Author of “The Love Ball Game – Embracing Yourself and Embodying Your Soul.” Born Blind in her left eye, and a multiple time trauma and grief survivor, she has dedicated the past 31 years helping humans transform their pain into purpose, listen to their bodies intuitive wisdom, and live their authentic joy. She has touched the lives of tens of thousands working both in person, online, at corporate and private events and on stage with her Masters in Integral Counseling and Shadow Coaching, 5 Rhythms Dance, Breathwork, Mindfulness, Intuitive and Somatic tools.
