Written by Dr Melita Ash BSc., Guest Writer
Are you dreading Christmas as a co-parent? Whether you’re several years into managing two sets of traditions or this is your first year apart, it can be a tough time. Here are five actionable tips from a clinical psychologist to create a stress-free holiday for all of you.
Why can co-parenting feel especially challenging over Christmas?
Christmas is traditionally viewed as a time for connecting as a family. Think about the images portrayed in Christmas movies (okay, maybe leave out Home Alone for this one!) and the family board games stacked up in shops at this time of year. As a parent, it can also bring that feeling of magic—seeing the wonderment on your child’s face as they leave a mince pie for Father Christmas and get tucked up in bed, full of excitement for the morning.
Co-parenting necessarily means a change from what has been before, often a sense of loss too. You may not have as much time with your child, and the traditions you once shared as a family may change. Added to that, so much importance is placed on that one day of the year being special that emotions can run high, creating conflict.
Tips for managing this time of year as a co-parent
1. Organise and plan ahead
It may feel gut-wrenching to discuss Christmas arrangements after separation. You may feel a huge sense of loss at not being able to be with your child for the entire holiday period. However, having a clear plan will prevent any crossed wires or confusion and bring clarity for all of you. It also means you can plan ahead for the days and times your child is with their other parent.
Agree with your co-parent on the arrangements for when you each have time with your child. Be specific with these details (e.g., days, times, and where handovers will take place), and add them to a shared calendar. If your child is old enough, use colour coding so they can clearly see the time they will spend with each parent. Avoid asking your child to choose where they spend their time, as this can place them in a loyalty conflict.
If you are on good terms with your co-parent, it can be a good idea to agree on gift ideas to avoid duplication. Planning for moments during the day when your child can FaceTime their other parent while with you can help them maintain a sense of connection.
Finally, plan activities just for yourself when your child is with their other parent. Perhaps treat yourself to that spa day you’ve yearned for or go to a restaurant with a friend you haven’t seen for a while.
2. Communicate positively
Your relationship with your spouse may have broken down, but your child needs to feel free to love and be loved by both parents. Frustrations may run high, but try to avoid sharing these with your child or having any disagreements within their earshot.
If verbal communication with your co-parent feels challenging, try discussing things via email. This method slows things down, giving you both space to pause and reflect before responding. You could also use an app like Our Family Wizard to help keep communications on a positive track.
Having some level of consistency across both homes, particularly for younger children, can be helpful. Agreeing on things like bedtimes and approaches to managing behaviour can reduce confusion and provide a sense of security for your child.
3. Support your child’s feelings
Your child may be experiencing conflicting and complex emotions, especially in the early days after separation. They may struggle to identify and articulate their feelings. Showing curiosity, such as saying, “I wonder whether you are feeling sad about things being different this Christmas?” rather than directly asking how they feel, can relieve the pressure they might feel to have answers.
Accepting your child’s feelings, whatever they may look like, and validating their experiences will help them feel seen and understood. Speaking positively about their other parent and your child’s time with them will reassure your child that it is okay to enjoy their time in both homes.
4. Maintain some traditions and start some new ones
Children gain a sense of safety and stability through knowing what to expect, as do we as parents. Keeping some family traditions (even if they happen in both homes) can help bring consistency. However, starting some new ones and involving your child in deciding what these might look like can create something special to look forward to. This may also help you feel more positive and empowered as you move forward.
5. Look after your own emotional wellbeing
This may be my last tip, but it is certainly not the least important. You need to nurture and heal yourself in order to keep being the amazing parent you are. Parenting is hard work, especially during times of change.
If you are spending time apart from your child over Christmas while they are with their other parent, this can bring powerful feelings of loss and grief. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, and reach out to friends and family for support. There are also professional organizations, such as Gingerbread, that have a helpline for single parents.
Try to plan ahead for times that may feel especially difficult, such as Christmas morning, and arrange to be with people who love you. Remember, Christmas is just one day out of the whole year. Celebrations don’t have to take place on December 25th; you can choose an alternative day to open presents and roast the turkey.
Closing thoughts
Christmas can feel like a challenging time after separation, but taking the time to plan ahead, as well as holding compassion for your child’s, your co-parent’s, and your own needs and feelings, paves the way for a happy time for everyone. You may be entering unfamiliar waters, but just remember, those special Christmas family moments are still waiting for you—they may just look a little different.
Dr Melita Ash BSc., Guest Writer
Dr Melita Ash BSc. (Hons), DClinPsy., CPsychol is a qualified Clinical Psychologist, Registered with the HCPC and Chartered with the BPS. She specialises in working with children, teens and their families, with over a decade of experience. Dr Ash is Director of Percuro Psychology, an independent psychology practice based in Derbyshire UK, and online, which provides assessments and evidence based psychological therapy, as well as workshops and training events for parents and organisations.
