Written by: Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I put out the reindeer and then burst into tears. The memory of finding them years ago at the church Christmas bazaar flew into my head. It was a happier time, before my husband’s cancer seemed to take over our lives. I missed those times.
Holiday times are difficult when your partner has cancer. Instead of feeling joy and cheer, you feel sadness and loss. Your mind keeps remembering happier times in the past, before cancer. You recall the fun outings you took and traditions you had. It seemed like such a happier, simpler time.
At the same time, you can’t help but wonder about the future. Will this be your last Christmas together? How will you all get through this next year? There are so many uncertainties as you contemplate the year ahead.
But it's the holidays and not time to dwell on your sorrows, right? Besides, you don’t want to bring everyone else down with your own sometimes gloomy thoughts and feelings. So you push all those emotions deep down and try to put on a happy face. You pretend to be cheerful, even when you’re not.
Sound familiar?
Struggling With Where We Are
You’re not alone in this struggle between feeling like you should be happy and grateful during the holidays, yet instead you feel sadness and grief.
For many people who have a partner who has cancer, holidays are a constant battle between how they want to feel and how they are really feeling.
You want to feel joy and peace, love and gratitude during the holiday season. You want it to be full of fun gatherings with friends and family, thoughtful gifts, and beautiful decorations. You may not even consciously think that, but our society creates this expectation of this perfect holiday time that we subconsciously buy into.
The problem is, when your partner has cancer, the reality during the holidays is often quite different. You may not be able to attend any events or large gatherings because of your partner’s weakened immune system. You may have to limit things you do because your partner tires too easily or is just too weak. You may not even be at home, but in a hospital much of the time. The stark contrast between reality and how you wish it were can bring up lots of emotions.
The crazy thing is, we create more suffering for ourselves when we want things to be different than they are. When we try to push down the emotions we are feeling and pretend we’re OK, that resistance weighs us down. When we judge ourselves and think we shouldn’t feel sadness or grief during the holidays, the judgement adds to our suffering.
So is the answer to just give in and be miserable during the holidays? Drag everyone else down with your gloominess?
Well, not quite.
Finding Acceptance
Finding acceptance for all the sadness and loss you are feeling can actually lighten your emotional load. Once you acknowledge that you’re feeling sad and take ownership of it, that alone actually feels freeing. Trying to resist what you are feeling is what wears you down. Of course you may still feel sadness and grief, but when you allow it, it will feel less heavy.
The same is true when you are able to accept your less than perfect holiday time. When you look around at the hospital and allow that this is where you are this year, you drop the resistance of wanting your reality to be different than it is. When you have to turn down yet another invitation, and feel that twinge of sadness and even anger, but you let it be there, knowing that this is just what needs to be done right now.
Acceptance of your emotions means telling yourself, you’re going to feel sad today and that’s OK. It means allowing yourself to feel grief for times lost. Acceptance of your current reality doesn’t mean you have to feel happy that you're spending the holiday in the hospital with your partner, it just means that this is where you are this year, and that's OK.
THEN, when you find acceptance for where you are and all that your feeling – and you can release the judgement of it, then look around in your life for ONE THING you can appreciate right now and focus on that:
…and we have a warm roof over our heads.
…and we’re together now.
…and we have people who love us.
Find one little thing that you can focus on and really appreciate and feel gratitude for. It doesn’t have to be big. It just needs to be real. There is always beauty in our life, even in dark times. We just have to look for it.
That is how you find joy during the holidays even when your partner has cancer. You find acceptance with where you are, then choose to also focus on what you DO have right now.
Marika Humphreys, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Marika Humphreys is a Resiliency Coach. At the age of 40, while working full time and raising a 5-year-old, her late husband was diagnosed with cancer. Over the next 5 years, as her husband battled multiple cancers, she took on many roles, including spouse, employee, mom, and caregiver. Marikaf believes caregiving is one of the toughest jobs out there, and it’s easy to become depleted and feel like you have no control. Through coaching, she learned that she could still be in charge of her life, even while caregiving to her husband. Coaching helped her discover her own power, strength, and resilience, and now she helps her clients do the same. She believes that even in the midst of a challenge like having a spouse with cancer, you can build resiliency skills and take control of your life.
