Written by: Izabela Puchala, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The topic of setting boundaries is recently getting much traction in the media, which is great, as boundaries are at the heart of our well-being. By paying attention to how we make contact or stop ourselves from interacting with others, we can identify reasons for feeling drained, anxious, or frustrated. Setting boundaries can be one of the most empowering things we do in our personal and professional lives. It will improve our vitality, confidence, and relationships. We just need to approach it from a respectful and not controlling perspective. Unfortunately, that is something very few of us have learned to do.
This short article explains how to recognize that boundaries are needed and ways to implement them respectfully and empoweringly for both sides.
What are boundaries?
"The contact boundary is the point at which one experiences the "me" in relation to that which is not me, and through this contact both are more clearly experienced." (Polster & Polster 1973)
A boundary can be experienced on a physical, emotional, and mental level. For example, we feel discomfort when a stranger moves too close into our personal space. Topics we are willing to discuss or not with certain people give us a sense of our mental boundaries. For instance, having children might be something to talk about with our partner but not with the wider family. An example of an emotional boundary is our ability to support others. After a challenging day at work, we might not have the capacity to listen to our friend's problems. Boundaries protect our well-being and help us manage our engagement with the environment. They are personal and context-dependent.
What happens when boundaries are not healthy?
Gestalt psychotherapy says that a healthy boundary is simultaneously firm enough to keep out what is not nourishing and open enough to take the nourishment. It is flexible and allows us to close or open our doors depending on the situation. Too rigid and too permeable boundaries create conflict within ourselves and with others.
If we had not have had our boundaries respected in childhood, we might develop a tendency to agree to things to please others or not say anything when someone “crosses our line.” In that case, our boundaries are permeable and let everything in. It might look like answering the phone anytime a friend calls even though we are exhausted, or accepting all requests from our manager, even though we are at capacity. By ignoring our own needs, we send ourselves and the other person a message “I don’t matter.” However, when the other person takes as much as they want from us because they feel empowered by us, we get bitter about it and blame them for not respecting our time, energy, and resources. In reality, we are the ones that showed them, "Look, my needs are not important ‒ take all you need. I will serve you."
When boundaries between ourselves and others are overly rigid, we deal with isolation. It might look like not being open to the opinions of others, struggling to accept apologies and compliments, or not asking for help. In those instances, our doors are firmly shut, not allowing nourishment from the environment or information that would help us grow and evolve.
When to set boundaries?
When we notice discomfort, this is a sign that our boundaries are breached. Since our bodies communicate through emotions, feeling drained, anxious, resentful, frustrated, or angry before or after meeting someone means we need to set new limits for that relationship. Perhaps, we do not openly express our opinions to this person as they are easily offended. We tense up to contain our passion and feel resentful afterward.
Settling boundaries is also a healthy way to manage interactions with our environment. For example, limiting the number of episodes to watch on Netflix will prevent us from feeling apathetic, or blocking every Monday morning to planning the week ahea will help us mentally prepare for it. By keeping small promises to ourselves, we implement a healthy relationship template with the sign "I matter" visible to others. It might look like staying in to read a book instead of feeling obliged to join our friends for a drink.
The discomfort we feel when someone upsets us is the right time to say something. If we decide not to set our boundaries with the other person upon experiencing the initial pinch, we have no other option but to suppress our response. From Gabor Mate's research, we know that suppressed emotional system leads to a suppressed immune system, negatively impacting our health. Auto-immune diseases, affecting disproportionately more women, are often a manifestation of our suppression.
Why is it hard to set boundaries?
From neuroscience research, we know that one of our basic human needs is a sense of safety from belonging to a group. Setting a boundary is something that many see as a threat to being liked, accepted, and included in the relationship.
Once the relationship has been established and we developed certain expectations from each other, setting a boundary is more daunting. It feels like a high-stake conversation because by setting a new limit, we take away the privilege previously granted. It might surprise or even disappoint the other person. The thing is that we need to become comfortable with disappointing others. Otherwise, we will continue to disappoint ourselves.
Because of the above, it is easier to set boundaries at the start of our relationships when the situation is not emotionally charged, and there is less at stake.
How to set boundaries?
A helpful tip to remember is that setting boundaries is about respecting ourselves and not disrespecting others. It is a process of empowering ourselves by recognizing our needs and not an attempt to control or judge others.
Sooner or later, someone will unknowingly disappoint our expectations. That is just the nature of relationships ‒ we move in sync, get out of sync, and go back in sync. The sooner we address the issue, the less bad blood will be between us.
Reflect: "Would I want to know if I disappointed someone unknowingly?"
If the incident happened for the first time, the most productive way to address it is by describing the preferred behavior (feed-forward) instead of dwelling on what the person did wrong.
Do: "Next time you need support, please submit a request through our system. This will help us spread the workload across the team."
Don't: "You shouldn't be asking Kristen directly to do the work for you."
If the person did not follow our initial request, we need to be more firm next time. Speaking from an I perspective, we explain the consequences of their actions.
Do: "If you continue to go outside of our process, I will have to instruct my team to ignore your emails."
Don't: "Stop going outside of our process."
This approach empowers them with a choice rather than controlling them.
We must remember that we only see the person's behavior and impact and have no insight into their intentions. It is tempting, but not helpful, to create a story about why the person did what they did, disregarding their perspective.
Do: "I imagine you must be under a lot of pressure to deliver the project on time. How are you?"
Don't: "You're direspecting me by engaging my team member behind my back." If we only were more empathetic, there would be less conflict in our lives.
Healthy boundaries are at the heart of our vitality and effective collaboration. If we feel drained, it is a sign that our boundaries have been compromised and our cup is overflowing. Paying attention to our needs is an act of care and respect toward ourselves. The more we practice setting boundaries, the more compassionately and authentically we are able to show up for others. Our energy will be liberated from managing internal conflict to taking productive action.
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Izabela Puchala, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Izabela Puchala is an expert in leadership and organizational development. She has an MSc in Economics and a Postgraduate degree in Gestalt Psychotherapeutic Counseling. As a Certified Enneagram Coach, Izabela helps international and dispersed teams go from transactional and artificially harmonious culture to trust, cohesion, and fun. Her clients include the BBC, Salesforce, Planet Labs, and YPO (Young Presidents’ Organization).
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